To have asked what his daughter normally eats in a foodless house??

[AlwaysSomeKunceInTheWay]

Bloke I’ve been seeing invited me over for dinner Saturday night. Idea was he’d cook dinner, I stay the night and then drive to the coast Sunday morning.

So I got there and he said he’d decided we should get a takeaway instead of him cooking. I said I don’t like to eat takeaway but I’m happy to eat anything … beans on toast would do. He said he didn’t have anything in. No bread, nothing. I’d noticed there was a pizza in the fridge so I suggested we cook that, he said no as it’s his daughters (she lives with him, 12) and she’d given strict instructions not to touch it. I said “well surely we could just replace it tomorrow before she comes home?” He said no as she’d made it herself … it was an asda pizza!! Ok she may have chosen the toppings but surely we could have just had the same one made again??

Anyway I agreed to the takeaway but made it clear that I wouldn’t be making a habit of it as I’m health conscious. I ended up paying for half of it which normally I would expect but he’d invited me over for dinner!!?

Anyway next morning we got up, he made a coffee and then said we’d only be able to have the one as he was running low on coffee but he said he had plenty of tea bags in. I don’t drink tea.

Anyway time is ticking on and he asked if I was ready to head out to the coast … I said “are we not having any breakfast?” He replied “I don’t really have anything in”. So I said “no cereal?” He said no. I said “what do you normally do for breakfast?” So he said “I don’t normally bother or I have a packet of crisps”.

Now the next thing I said is my AIBU …

I said “what does your daughter eat for breakfast?”. He looked pissed off and started stuttering etc before saying she just has crisps or whatever. I didn’t say anything else but I told him I’d be stopping off at shop on the way to buy MYSELF something to eat. He then starts banging on about McDonald’s breakfast etc etc which I refused.

Hes messaged me this morning saying he’s a bit upset that I implied his daughter isn’t well taken care of. I simply asked what she normally had for breakfast since there was fuck all in the cupboards!!

Was I wrong to ask??

I could cook but I cba to plan ahead. How would I know what I wanted to eat the next day?

I would buy fruit and salad stuff and then eat it all so it didn’t ripen any further ( For full disclosure I’m AuDHD so a very picky eater so would often eat a large plate of one component (eg boiled potatoes ).

There was no point in having cupboards full of stuff when I didn’t know if I would eat it. I didn’t buy bread etc unless I knew I would eat it before it went off.

But then I have no interest in cooking and there is a massive list of stuff I can’t or won’t eat so it’s fairly pointless.

Why not? I have. If I like your personality and you’re kind and make me feel good, what’s not to like?

The majority of people are overweight, men and women

What about men dating an overweight woman?

I couldn’t though.

I could eat a box of cereal over the course of a weekend but that would be all I ate.

My last BF was like this. He had nothing in his house and also wouldn’t eat out anywhere except Wetherspoons or a supermarket cafe or have a takeaway other than chips and curry sauce from the Chinese near his house. When alone he would go to Lidl and buy himself a family sized lasagne and just eat that. On work days he ate at work (and stole snacks to take home).

At my house however he enjoyed 3 big meals a day plus snacks and endless cups of tea and coffee. And had the cheek to refuse to pay if we went out anywhere.

The final straw was we went on holiday to Greece (bed and breakfast only) and he wouldn’t eat dinner out at night. He wanted to buy snacks from the mini market and sit in the room to eat them.

Run. You deserve better. Send a message advising him to be a better father.

Well let’s face it, if all his daughter has on offer for breakfast is a pack of crisps then quite frankly she isn’t being looked after properly. I would say this is a red flag that I couldn’t ignore.

Well perhaps this man is the same, perhaps he is ND and doesnt comprehend planning ahead and/or eating a range of foods or have the functioning to manage any thing other than fixed takeaways

I dont actually know how people afford it to be honest.

Whilst living in germany, this is a thing, they shop daily for their meals but going by the major supermarkets on a weekend they were full of people stocking up on dry foods, meat etc.

I am moving so running down my fridge/freezer/cupboards, if i had an unexpected guest I could cobble a meal together and offer breakfast.....toast or cereal....

You sound like a bit of a challenge to cater for!

It can be useful, as the school see her every day and might have met the dad and have had a few years of interactions with him eg parents evening, so they might be in a good place to help rather than a social worker who has never met any of them and who is thinking this doesn’t really meet their threshold for help anyway so it gets passed to a family support worker. If a school is worried enough they’ll involve social services anyway. Plus people are sometimes more receptive to school helping rather than ‘social workers who take your children away’.

Erm……..I mean…………….we need to get you starting your own thread, we can all give you ideas!

Well this, just based on what OP says is a family support issue. Its not a CP issue, thats clear.

Schools are not the statutory body thats why. But it certainly complicates matters once the eventual referral comes through because its not direct from the person who observed it.

😬😬😬😬

While he is most certainly an oddball, this is an unfair comment to his child. She is only 12, and in a neglectful situation where she appears to have to gatekeep food.

Yes, that is true.

Run for the hills

Of course the school will take that seriously. There's no food in the house. The poor girl has absolutely shit parents. I hope her grandmother is better than them.

Yeh because if her only option for food is take away the poor thing has no chance to be healthy. Poor poor kid. He’s really letting her down. I’m assuming he can afford food, as he can afford take away.

Even aside from concerns about his daughter, what kind of weird loser doesn't get any breakfast supplies in at all when they have an overnight guest? An overnight guest in a romantic context, no less.

Just don't get involved. I'm sure they just muddle along like a lot of folk. But sounds like he isn't the one for you.

Poor kid. Do they honestly have stuff like crisps for breakfast?!

Does he work? Is his job well paid? I can't imagine inviting someone over for food and to stay the night and not have tea,coffee, evening meal stuff, breakfast bits etc.

The lack of supplies in the house would have had me wondering the same with a child living there. Not even an apple or a cereal bar? A slice of bread lingering in the freezer? Nothing??

I'm glad to hear you won't be dating him again and logged your concern for his DD.

Big red flag for me for 2 reasons. Number 1) you're right about his parenting, his daughter isn't being cared for well, equally I do know some teenagers don't like breakfast and at 12 she can choose however Number 2) someone invites me to stay over and has neither dinner, nor coffee, nor breakfast in!?! If he's a newish bf I'm expecting some delicious dinner cooked for me and a nice breakfast (even if it's simply croissants etc). He hasn't bothered to prepare for your arrival at all, which shows a lack of care and thought. If you carry on this rship he will not improve and in 2 years time you'll be upset that you do everything (shopping, cooking, cleaning) for him and probably make sure his daughter has breakfast before school too!
Get out now i would say.... you also clearly don't have that much in common if you're health conscious and he only has takeaway or an oven pizza - doesn't sound a good fit to me, find a nice gym man who will cook you some chicken, veg and rice and make your coffee and smoothies for breakfast in bed

Already posted upthread suggesting he is a shit Dad. But now seeing the updates I'm thinking it might be kinder to say he is struggling. His partner has MH issues and abandoned her child. Who knows what they went through and the Dd may have been severely affected. I'm sure there were many pieces to pick up. He clearly has no idea how to run a house or care for a child. I hope SS do get involved for the kids sake but also to help him learn how to provide for his DD. She needs it desperately.

A singular report from someone who has spent one night in the house, when the child wasn't present but had her own pizza in the fridge, and a reported secondhand conversation that she has crisps for breakfast?

You might not like it, and it's not how I would choose to live, but unless there's already a file on the family, no. I would imagine that the school would have no interest whatsoever on how much food was or wasn't in the house when the child was not present overnight.