I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

[Sosaddj]

I feel like this weekend has finally broken me.

All my life the main thing I wanted was to have a family and a husband. I loved progressing my career and did well in it. Along the way I had relationships but nothing worked out for one reason or another. Sometimes it was me, other times it was just a shocker of a man that seemed nice at first.

I have a lovely amazing 5 year old and I’m a single parent and my 40th is next year.

Ex left me when Dd was 2. He sees her now and then. We weren’t married and thanks to my previous career we’ve been ok financially. I don’t know how I managed to carry on when he left but I did and things have settled now.

I feel so unbearably sad. Weekends spent alone while I see so many families around. Even seeing my siblings I am a second option, they leave when they need to (which I get) but it just highlights that it’s just me… I have nobody to rely on, nobody to take care of me.

For a long time I felt strong about this. I felt lucky I no longer needed to deal with a man’s crap again. I really enjoyed evenings to myself and making all the decisions.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel totally alone. My re mortgage is coming up again and that’s all on me. If I forgot something in the weekly shop nobody is nipping out to get it in the evening. I can’t collect a pizza as I can’t leave DD. I worry about money even though i have enough as I’m on my own. I don’t want to go on the big family holiday this year as they’re all sharing a place and it costs me proportionately more for one adult to travel rather than two.

I am just so sad. I am not perfect (far from it) but I don’t think I’m much different to the next person and yet most people have found someone by now. I’m exhausted and even if I was to meet someone I know I probably wouldn’t be their first choice to spend time with as I’m so stressed essentially being a lone parent most of the time.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just suddenly cracked this weekend and it’s like I’ve realised I still do have this wound and craving to spend my life with someone.

Oh 🥺

Well - youre approaching 40 and youve had your baby

It can be a negative, but it can also be a positive! Theres no rush to have a kid with a shite man! You can find the man you really want!

Can you spend the next year getting ready to fall in love? Your life can be:
Your dd
Yourself
Your career (if thats important)
Your love life?

All isnt lost - youve got time ❤️

Honestly its normal to feel like this sometimes. Do you have a social life out of the home at all? Doing something for you and meeting other people will help. I'm not going to say jump into dating but that's an option if you feel ready.

@mumofoneAloneandwell thanks for replying. I don’t know why I am so upset tonight. I think part of it is that none of this was how I had envisaged it. I so wanted a marriage and someone to come home to every night. I was so ready to dedicate myself to family life and I had worked so hard in my career to be able to contribute financially too. I know none of these things mean you magically get what you want but I feel I did my best and still ended up alone. I often think I probably wanted it too much and was too picky.

I can’t imagine anymore what it’s like to get in a car with someone else after a play date and decide who will be driving home. I know that sounds so ridiculous and small but it’s these tiny things that hurt me most, the small day to day moments of loneliness

@travailtotravel i have some lovely friends and I see a friend fortnightly on average. Also see family and siblings once a week or so. And then I work so see colleagues and sometimes go out for lunch. I’m just sad that I don’t have someone to rely on. I had to put a friend down for an emergency contact at work. It just feels horrible

Gently, you need to count your blessings. You wanted a child and you have one, you’re financially secure and are close with your family (close enough to go on holiday with them). Lots of people have none of these things and really are alone.

Your life isn’t over yet, there’s always time to meet someone new.

@Ace56 thanks. I don’t know why I’m so sad. I have been tearful all night. It’s really unlike me but today was odd. Just felt like the odd one out again. I’m usually robust about it but it hurt today

Sometimes we just don’t get everything we want. I have the husband and I am so grateful, we weren’t able to have children.

I agree with this. I am so sorry you feel so upset about this and its ok to feel like this sometimes.

However, I think you are excessively dwelling on what you dont have and it's understandably making you feel miserable on a daily basis. Yes, you are right, it seems completely unfair that you dont have a partner so what are you going to do about it?

Make a plan, take control, and look at ways you could meet potential love interests. Hold it lightly - thats so important. If you start viewing every man you meet as the potential "the one" then it will become heavy and intense and off-putting. Life can change so dramatically fast - in both negative and positive directions but if you keep feeding this feeling that you'll be alone forever then life will pass you by and you wont enjoy the fun times that are available to you.

Your life is far from over yet. Dont close the door on yourself.

I think you should go on the big family holiday even if it costs you more. Don't miss out on fun for you and DD!
I am divorced and understand the higher cost of holidays. But there are savings too ... men are expensive creatures because they buy all sorts and eat and drink so much!

I’m so sorry you feel like this. Many lone parents have similar feelings of loneliness, even though they adore their children. It does get better and in the meantime I wonder if you make the most of any childcare available to you. Do your siblings offer to babysit and are your parents still around?

It's an old cliche, but you can be even worse off and often lonelier in a relationship. I know it seems that having a partner is the answer to all your sadness and loneliness, but it doesn't always work out that way. He could turn out to be a controlling sod, a lazy sod, a waster that you only find out about after the love bombing of the first few months.

Of course you could meet the love of your life. It happens when we least expect it, so work on doing things that involve both sexes and are sociable without being hook up activities IYSWIM. Walking groups are good for that. Joining a mixed choir is another. Don't forget that other people join these groups because they want to meet people aswell, so never feel awkward about joining up. Meet up groups are varied and prolific too, pick an activity and go for it. You never know what's around the corner. But I think you have to get out there - if that's what you want.

As for counting your blessings, yes do that too, but that is not scratching your itch at the moment is it? Over to you.....

39 is very young. You will fall in love again for sure.

Sorry to be blunt, but go over to the relationships board, and you'll see what you're really missing out on.
Prince Charming doesn't exist.

@houseofvelvet thanks for replying. I feel like at 40 with a 5 year old isn’t the most attractive prospect for anyone. I know I need to
let it go and for the last few years I have, it’s just hit me for someone reason today and taken me by surprise that I am so sad about it.

I didn’t want to read and run. But just to let you know you are not alone! I’m 41 and very similar in circumstances ……. although I have 3 children.

Sometimes although we are well aware there a people out there that have it far worse than us …….. you can’t help but mourn the life you envisaged yourself having xx

Tomorrow’s a new day, have your day of sadness today and kick it out tomorrow. Easy for us to say but you do sound like you have a good life and you need to focus on those positives or the negatives will drag you under. Sending gentle hugs

Exactly this. And if you put up with a crap man rather than be alone then your self esteem will be non existent (like me)

Thats ok- dont try to pretend the feeling away- you feel how you feel. But equally, dont allow yourself to marinate in it if that makes sense.

I think there is a big difference between "I feel really lonely and sad right now" and "I'm going to be alone forever, I am unloveable" - know what I mean?- the first one is processing a feeling, the second is unnecessary suffering.

So feel it, let it out and then write down what you are going to do about it and set some goals. Taking action always helps that feeling of being out of control.

I know you never know what’s going on in other people’s lives but I do feel surrounded by happy couples. New pregnancies being announced, lots of family holidays everywhere and anniversaries ‘the life we’ve built for 15 years ‘ etc etc.

It’s lonely and I’m really struggling tonight. I do know there are utterly crap men though, I’ve certainly experienced that side of it too

I understand. I was you (minus the child) a long time ago. I will never forget, till the day I die, that bottomless, yawning stretch of loneliness - always at the weekends when 48 hours felt like a week - and the knowledge that I was nobody’s priority. Everybody had someone they wanted more than me, even my parents had. It’s not normal or natural for humans, I think. I used to look at old couples bickering and envy them. Overhear a young woman in the supermarket on the phone to someone asking if they wanted the chicken or beef whatever and wonder what she had that I didn’t for her to have someone to negotiate with and I didn’t. Simple thing like going to the loo in a restaurant and being able to just get up and go when you needed to because someone else would be there to watch your bag, talk to a waiter, assume you’d not absconded etc.

It did come to and end, I’m profoundly happy with my DH and DC. I have everything I hoped for, and don’t even think DH and I will be the bickering type when old! It is more likely to happen for you too, than not. You’re social, you have friends, you have family - it may not come the way you think it will, or when you think it will, but if you keep and open mind and heart it’s more likely you’ll end up in a couple than not if that’s what you want.

Don’t let the despair or sadness get to you. Acknowledge it, and leave it in today, wake up tomorrow with a fresher and more positive outlook on the amazing things you do have. Every day is different and will bring different things.

Bless you OP. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings ❤️

It’s weird but I think the sunny weather has something to do with it, and it heightens the emotions. When it’s sunny and we have long days, everyone just seems to be out with their ‘people’. It’s expected that people go out and enjoy the outside. So when you’re feeling alone, seeing so many families and friend groups out and about doing things really makes you sad. But when it’s cold, dark and rainy everyone seems to stay indoors wrapped up so no one really notices what others are doing.

I promise you, there will be more people than you realise who feel exactly the same as you do.

& it may not be a comforting thing, but there are many women with husbands and big families who are absolutely miserable, and for one reason or another stay in their broken/dead marriages. They will also feel so alone despite being surrounded by people.

It’s scary, but you need to put yourself out there to meet other people. Talk to school mums, offer play dates, join a gym/club/group when you have time for yourself. Obviously it’s easier said than done.

& try and live in the moment. Don’t dwell on the past or think about the “what ifs” of the future.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

I haven’t got much advice but I wanted to reply as it really struck a chord.

I am married and have two dc, but I’m not particularly close to my family (well I am close to my mum but it’s complicated), and I’m not particularly close to dh family either. We don’t all meet up. I don’t have many friends. I’ve got a couple of lovely friends but no big group like some people do.

Anyway I’m rambling, but I’ve been feeling a bit down lately and a bit lonely because there are no cousins or big friendship groups to go places with.

I wonder if lots of us compare our lives to others too much especially with social media.

Your dd will no doubt become amazing company as she gets older and you’ll be able to experience so many lovely things together.

I get it’s not the same as having a partner but there are so many shit relationships anyway, you are giving your dd a lovely peaceful, stable life.

There is nothing to stop you meeting someone at some point if it’s what you truly want.

I think you would benefit from talking your feelings through with a counsellor.

There are many ways round some of your problems, particularly things like having a pizza delivered. It seems a shame that you will forgo the holiday where you could get some support with childcare etc, and some adult company. Could you travel with another branch of the family to split costs?
You are doing a good job of bringing up your DD, try to keep hold of that.

I completely agree that the long Summer days can really heighten loneliness for people.

I don’t think it helps when people say oh but it’s better than being in a crap relationship or I’m married but also lonely. Of course those two things can be true but it doesn’t help when you see people in good relationships who aren’t lonely! 😂