I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

[Sosaddj]

I feel like this weekend has finally broken me.

All my life the main thing I wanted was to have a family and a husband. I loved progressing my career and did well in it. Along the way I had relationships but nothing worked out for one reason or another. Sometimes it was me, other times it was just a shocker of a man that seemed nice at first.

I have a lovely amazing 5 year old and I’m a single parent and my 40th is next year.

Ex left me when Dd was 2. He sees her now and then. We weren’t married and thanks to my previous career we’ve been ok financially. I don’t know how I managed to carry on when he left but I did and things have settled now.

I feel so unbearably sad. Weekends spent alone while I see so many families around. Even seeing my siblings I am a second option, they leave when they need to (which I get) but it just highlights that it’s just me… I have nobody to rely on, nobody to take care of me.

For a long time I felt strong about this. I felt lucky I no longer needed to deal with a man’s crap again. I really enjoyed evenings to myself and making all the decisions.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel totally alone. My re mortgage is coming up again and that’s all on me. If I forgot something in the weekly shop nobody is nipping out to get it in the evening. I can’t collect a pizza as I can’t leave DD. I worry about money even though i have enough as I’m on my own. I don’t want to go on the big family holiday this year as they’re all sharing a place and it costs me proportionately more for one adult to travel rather than two.

I am just so sad. I am not perfect (far from it) but I don’t think I’m much different to the next person and yet most people have found someone by now. I’m exhausted and even if I was to meet someone I know I probably wouldn’t be their first choice to spend time with as I’m so stressed essentially being a lone parent most of the time.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just suddenly cracked this weekend and it’s like I’ve realised I still do have this wound and craving to spend my life with someone.

Your child is 5, so I’m assuming now attends school. Do you have the opportunity to meet other parents, ideally single dads for instance, who take kids to swimming lessons, dance classes, other after school activities? I found I bumped into many of the school Dads at these things. Got chatting and if I was not married, I most certainly would have taken a fancy to one or two of them and asked them out.

@Sosaddj take your kid to after school activities, you’ll meet like minded nice men (to potential date) as well as women friends.

OP be kind to yourself.

You are still young and plenty of time to find your forever after partner.

You have a DC coming to the end of the 0-5 year intensive age… there will be time for you and to date again.

You can't possibly promise that for the OP or anyone!

Honestly? It rarely works out how we thought it would. Life really is unpredictable. But you know what? You're doing ok. You really are. Thankful you are ok money wise and that you've a glorious 5 year old!

As for relationships, they're not all that all the time. Yes, it would be lovely to have someone to rely on, to share with but in reality there's not many out there who live up to our hopes. All I can recommend is recapture that strength you once had, the determination to see things good. Then if you are able to get a sitter, get out there again and have a bit of life as you, not just mum. Join groups, meet people (often the best relationships are formed out of friendship first) and if feeling brave, get on the dating scene. Just don't feel rotten if you don't meet anyone good enough - and set your bar high, you deserve it. Don't settle for anything less because you feel lonely.

hugs of course you’re not being unreasonable. I sometimes think if anything happened to DH I’d have to move my (single) SIL in - single parenthood looks so flipping hard.

You already know this, but it’s worth reiterating:

1. no man is better than many men (for some reason, particularly the husbands of mumsnetters!?)
2. you do not know what is going on inside other people’s relationships. I’ve seen pregnancy announcements following hot on the heels of the discover of an affair, a marriage (after 11 years) followed by an almost immediate acrimonious divorce, and that’s not even accounting for the daily carborundum of irritation that is reality for many people
3. in about five years, loads of people will be getting divorced! Suddenly there will be lots of dads back on dating scene

Right now, your child is still really young. I’d try to totally park dating as a concept until they go to secondary school. Maybe try some counselling to give you breathing room. Try to fit some exercise around work - I was and would be so much fitter and thinner without DH’s influence… When your LO is off to secondary school, it’s hunting season!

FWIW, my parents divorced in their early 40s, both remarried around 50 and have very happy blended families on both sides! My mum especially adores having heaps of grandchildren around - doesn’t bother her at all that only two of them are her own blood!

Is part of this because your ex is so flaky about contact? If you had regular contact then you could some sort of social life, but as it is you dont but he can live the high life and play Disney Dad when it suits him?

That would fuck anyone off. But if you have enough money perhaps you could look at a regular babysitter and get on some paid for dating apps. I say paid for because the men on there tend to be more genuine than the arseholes you get on Tinder et al

Well, single mum here and I met a great guy at 42 with two kids and no nights off ever etc. So you’re not undesirable at all.

However I still often feel very lonely. The enormity of what I’ve gone through alone anyway and that it is still ultimately on me, is exhausting.

So I guess I wanted to make both points to you, and wave from the loneliness while showing hope.

I agree with all the positive stuff that's already been said and would add that you're allowed to have a downer (most of us do every now and then) so don't fight it but wake up tomorrow with this one behind you. When (not if!) you meet someone, you'll be able to take your time before deciding if he's worth taking a chance on - you've already got a beautiful daughter so no pressure to rush into anything. You sound a lovely, caring person and deserve to be happy 💐

Feel your pain OP.

I’m late twenties but divorced and have 2 dc (youngest I have full time). I went through a long stage of bereaving the family life which I had always wished for.

Now, after being cheated on so many times and being the one always putting one sided effort into relationships, my mindset has changed. I’m happy by myself bar the occasional ping of loneliness and have decided to only use men when it benefits myself.

Wow! That’s a sad perspective.

I feel genuinely fortunate for my relationship, even more so after reading your post. I’m 26 years in, 10 years married, and we’re great together. Equals. I honestly believe that.

Life isn’t easy, but we’re doing get through it together.

I grew up in a broken home, but I feel that put me on the right path to find my perfect husband.

I’m one of many who have loving relationships, none of my friends have divorced and are all happily married.

There’s someone out there for everyone. Just need to find them.

There are lots of types of families OP - lots aside from the perfect/imperfect version the movies sell you.

There is someone out there who envies what you have. So embrace it. And it’s ok to feel lonely and to cry.

The adage that the grass is greener exists for good reason though.

OP - I know the feeling of having no choices, of being lonely in a life that you didn't quite plan, though it's a very different situation.

One thing that might help is to think of the alternative universe where the ex stuck around until now, and left now. Compared with that - you're three years further along on the single journey. Every week that passes makes it more likely you will meet somebody else.

When you feel stuck and trapped, you still have agency. Can you get a babysitter so you can go out, even if it's not on dates? It will start to feel less like a grind if you organise some breaks where you are just you, and not a parent. Sleepovers at your siblings' homes - and them coming to you - so there are more adults around for breakfast and lunch?

My mother remarried when she was 53 and she - sorry but used to describe to me their endless sex until they reached 80....there are many men desperate for company, but find one good man desperate for company, not just a desperate man

My lovely, you arent broken at all, you are posting and vocalising, that shows you still have spirit

You have done extremely brilliantly to get to this stage in your life, bringing up little one, building a home, progressing in work

I get where you are, looking around and feeling alone , Ive been there - as part of a couple.

The grass really isnt always greener

But that doesnt stop you wanting someone in your life

I dont have answers for you, I just wanted to say, you have the power within you to get what you want from life, you have proved it so far.

OP i think you are grieving a life you thought you would have. We also tend to put other people's relationships on a pedestal. You don't know how truly happy they are. I bet some envy you and think you have more freedom and autonomy. Don't have to pander to a man child.

I don't think you need to count your blessings. I think you need to allow yourself to grieve (for now, as you can still have a good relationship waiting for you).

I know this feeling so well, making all the decisions, paying for every single thing,, sorting out all the stuff that goes wrong in the house, always coming home to an empty house, doing the bins, dealing with all the life admin. I was a single parent and although I had a couple of relationships after my marriage ended (he left me with a young baby) nothing lasted. It is not how I saw my life working out, I do my best to reframe it, I have had reasonable jobs, I have friends, an adult child who is doing ok, I own my house even though it is far from the sort of house in the sort of area i had envisaged living in. I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel ground down by life at times, to want to be with someone and share the good and the not so good.

My best friend often feels the same way. We live in a family centred couple centred world. She always feels sad that no one has their main holiday with her.
if you want love look for it. You sound like a lovely person. There are lovely caring men out there - you are enough but I think it could change if you need something different.
all the love x

It can be very lonely being a single mum and some days, weeks are tough. But bad days / weeks do pass and I bet you have a really lovely strong bond with your child. Maybe you will, maybe you won't meet someone in the future. But build a happy life for you and your child, fake it til you make it, there will be ups and downs.

I'm sorry OP, I am one of the few who clicked yabu. This is simply because nowadays there is so much you can do to meet prospective partners. You
mentioned close friends & relatives. Are you too proud to admit how you are feeling. You could ask them to help with child care occasionally to allow you to go out & meet people. I know online dating is not for everyone & it can be a hit or a miss but if you are dilegent you can like two of my friends & one relative meet great long lasting matches.

Well that is very lovely for you but making comments like that - that my husband leaving me and the next one abusing me - makes you feel better for getting it right and thereby implying I got it wrong because I somehow didn't find the 'right path to find my perfect husband' - puts you on the list of couples I am not envious of. I could never endure a partner that posted such hurtful and smug words on the internet to a stranger.

Aww op. It’s ok to feel like this on some days. I think probably seeing people out in good weather and atmosphere had something to do with it . You do have a lot to be grateful for and it’s also ok to feel like this too.

You've been through a tough 5 years. In my experience things become easier from school age onwards.

I found that as my children developed close friendships, I gained a small support network. Long playdates and car shares to Brownies are a real blessing! Our school Wattsapp occasionally gets a frantic voice message from someone stuck in traffic asking if one of us could have their child for 20 mins and no one bats an eyelid as we dont all have support on tap. Helping each other gets easier as they get older.

Also, you're in the 'family weekend' phase where everyone's weekend looks like a cosy family picnic at a National Trust property and looking in on that can be quite lonely. You are about to enter the 'total chaos' phase where most people are back working full time and parents are pulled in every direction to cover various children's extra curricular activities. Other people's weekends no longer look so appealing and somehow thats made life easier for me.

I'm sorry you are feeling low about this, and it is certainly understandble to feel like this once in a while. But, you are romanticizing relationships - they can be lovely, but many women stay in unhealthy unhappy relationships, and you are not one of them. And, 40 is so young! People - men and women - are looking for love and care at every stage in life, and if you are open to it, you will meet the right person. It took me until 47 to meet a kind, decent man and to be in a loving, healthy relationship. I spent a lot of time with a giant toad, and that's the price I had to pay. You have a lovely DD who is happy and well-adjusted, she is completely dependent on you right now but that will change soon too, and you will have more and more time and independence back and time to meet someone too. There will be love and romance in your life. Just give it time and be open to it.
In the meantime, enjoy your DD, friends and family (go on the big family holiday - tell them if you think the price you're paying is not a fair one - they'll appreciate it surely?).
Above all, be kind to yourself, and stay positive. Hugs.

Big hug. New day in the morning and all that. As others have said count your blessings. Do try to go on the family holiday. Others will scoop your little one up, you will have time for adult chat and maybe some time alone. Take care of yourself. Hormones can start playing up at your age. Do you have time for a hobby? Is your little one in school yet? Built the life you want around what makes you happy and some lucky bloke will turn upto share it with you. If he’s good enough that is!

You dont know that they are happily married, just that they are married.

My friends thought that ex and I were happily married because I didnt tell them that he was beating (literally) black and blue on a regular basis and I was a fucking master at make up.

I hope that your smugness never bites you on the arse, I truly do, but it could so maybe you could be a bit more humble.