I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

[Sosaddj]

I feel like this weekend has finally broken me.

All my life the main thing I wanted was to have a family and a husband. I loved progressing my career and did well in it. Along the way I had relationships but nothing worked out for one reason or another. Sometimes it was me, other times it was just a shocker of a man that seemed nice at first.

I have a lovely amazing 5 year old and I’m a single parent and my 40th is next year.

Ex left me when Dd was 2. He sees her now and then. We weren’t married and thanks to my previous career we’ve been ok financially. I don’t know how I managed to carry on when he left but I did and things have settled now.

I feel so unbearably sad. Weekends spent alone while I see so many families around. Even seeing my siblings I am a second option, they leave when they need to (which I get) but it just highlights that it’s just me… I have nobody to rely on, nobody to take care of me.

For a long time I felt strong about this. I felt lucky I no longer needed to deal with a man’s crap again. I really enjoyed evenings to myself and making all the decisions.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel totally alone. My re mortgage is coming up again and that’s all on me. If I forgot something in the weekly shop nobody is nipping out to get it in the evening. I can’t collect a pizza as I can’t leave DD. I worry about money even though i have enough as I’m on my own. I don’t want to go on the big family holiday this year as they’re all sharing a place and it costs me proportionately more for one adult to travel rather than two.

I am just so sad. I am not perfect (far from it) but I don’t think I’m much different to the next person and yet most people have found someone by now. I’m exhausted and even if I was to meet someone I know I probably wouldn’t be their first choice to spend time with as I’m so stressed essentially being a lone parent most of the time.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just suddenly cracked this weekend and it’s like I’ve realised I still do have this wound and craving to spend my life with someone.

Excellent, good for her & by no means unusual regarding her sex life with the right partner.

Do you think you feel sad about your situation because you know you have so much love to give? So much to offer a partner?

I didn’t meet my now husband till my late 30s and I was alone (no kids) for over a decade. I felt very sad about this, and was incredibly lonely, but after meeting my husband, I realised that I absolutely did deserve a wonderful relationship, I had so much love to give and I treasure feeling loved in return. I wasn’t entirely sure I was capable of loving someone so much before that.

Realise your value instead of thinking you & your child won’t be an attractive package for a man. Build up your self esteem. Look at what you do have: a child, a home, good job, no money worries, you have friends and family. This all sounds like a great achievement to me. Start looking for groups you might like to join. Shared interests are a great way to connect with others. And you could ask your friends if they know any good men they could fix you up with.

I think that as you build your self esteem, good things will start to happen for you.

@Sosaddj I know what you mean. Im 45 and im a single parent to two pre teens. It is really sad but the only person that considers my feelings at all in this life is my youngest. We are on holiday and he noticed i take pictures of them all the time but no one ever takes a picture of me. So he did take a few.

I think I don't feel as sad as you though. Ive accepted my fate that i might never meet my person. I don't even have close parents/siblings so my support network is a bit thin. I wont compromise on shared values and emotional intelligence though and there just arent many men like that around.

Thank you so much everyone for posting. I’m struggling a lot tonight and still crying (it’s SO unlike me to do this, I am usually very good at pulling myself together pronto!). Reading these messages has helped me feel so much less alone. I am going to reply properly when feeling a little less delicate. I can’t thank everyone enough for taking the time to post, it’s a huge comfort.

OP - I'm about a decade older than you and observing so many relationships crumble at this stage. Try not to assume that it's great for the others in partnerships. Many of them will have their turn, sadly.

You are clearly very strong and it will get better 💐

I didn’t mean to be hurtful. You just implied that good relationships are hard to come by given those you’ve witnessed.

Yes, I’m delighted to be able to be smug as you call it. I hope everyone also finds their one.

Sending you a hug OP 🫂 it's ok to feel sad about the things in your life that haven't gone the way you would like. It's ok to feel that it gets you down being the one with all the responsibility and not having the support of a partner. These things are hard to bear sometimes.

Having said that, I don't think your characterisation of yourself as an unappealing prospect is true - you sound like a warm, kind, intelligent, caring woman with a lot of love to give. You're responsible, solvent, can take care of yourself and you're a loving parent. You sound like you have an awful lot to offer actually!

I think you're looking at other 'happy families' through rose tinted spectacles, which is understandable but the reality is they probably have plenty of their own problems. Relationships can be hard work and are no guarantee of not feeling lonely, or of feeling supported. I bet there are a few who envy and admire you.

You are still young and can absolutely meet someone and have a relationship with someone wonderful. Why not dip your toe into the dating world and see what happens?

I’m just giving the alternative to the awful. It is out there for everyone.

Sending you a hug OP 🤗💖

But it isnt necessarily. So why promise that it is? You got lucky, good for you. Not everyone else is, surely you can see that?

This is such a thoughtless response. It is not a good position to be in, to be a solo parent. If I end up in hospital tomorrow or die, what happens to my baby?

Thats not to say I'm ungrateful, I'm incredibly grateful for my beautiful boy, I love him endlessly, but its not a good position to be in.

Op, many of us who raise children alone feel down from time to time. The fact that other people have it worse doesn’t meant that you should be counting your blessings, we cannot bottle up our feelings just because other people are more miserable. It is perfectly healthy to allow yourself to feel sad tonight, accept the feeling (it is healthy to do so), have a good cry and go to sleep, tomorrow will be another day.

Having said that… whatever you do, don’t feel pity for yourself, that’s the absolute killer.

@Sosaddj I can only offer you a handheld and empathize, since im in a very similar situation- a few years older than you, divorced, and have 2 children. I have dipped my toe into online dating a few times and emerged more scarred than before, and now close to calling it quits on that front as well.

The "having someone to come home to" is so real. I feel like I start my second shift (as a mother and cook) when I return home after a long day at work. I recently went on a short road trip with a colleague and even found that- someone other than an Uber driver driving me around - so special. It hardly ever happens. Making and executing plans with another adult as to how to spend holidays or a weekend - dont remember what that was like. I feel like the single point of failure in everything related to my children or me.

I wish I could say otherwise, but I agree that several men on OLD apps may avoid the hassle of dating someone with young children - and the scheduling issues that may come with it. Although, you may have better availability than I do since my children are with me nearly all the time since their dad only has them very occasionally. Meeting someone organically would be nicer.

If you can, I would suggest you might consider looking for short term relationships for the time being, if these may be a diversion. I tried a couple, didnt really work for me. I also realise i am seeking validation by wanting people (especially men) to appreciate me, and find me attractive, which isn't a good thing.

@Sosaddj
I remember feeling like you, a long time ago.
It was a Bank holiday, I was staring through the window, watching all my neighbours getting in their cars with kids & going out for the day. I was sad.. until I noticed that lots of them were yelling at each other! I took the rose tinted specs off & thought yes, I might not be at the seaside or wherever, but I'm home, my little one was happy, & all was peaceful.. big hugs.

I empathise with you OP, we were not created to be alone. You wanting a relationship, a partnership is normal. Maybe I’m odd, but I don’t think any number of hobbies etc will that hole, they are good, but there is still a partner sized hole missing. Try dating sites (be careful lots of frogs, but there are still good men out there, great men in fact). I pray that you find a loving partner, someone to do life with. God bless you OP and I am very hopeful you will find someone.

Ah, I am sorry op. I am married and have been with him for 22 years but feel utterly alone; the buck always stops with me. I don’t say that to have a moan but just to highlight that you never know what is going on in others’ lives, we all have hidden sadnesses and struggles. Some days they hit hard 🌺

I think that you should go on the family holiday.
I know some people who have no opportunity for holidays.
Plus, you never know who you may meet. Perhaps someone to inspire you, someone for a chat, something in nature ?

No, I don’t think can see that.

Those that have been unsuccessful in love, should change their criteria and get out when that criteria isn’t met (its obvious after 6 months if it’ll work). Only stop looking when they’ve found their one.

I live alone (no children) and I love it.

I can fully empathise tho about the not having someone to rely on. All the bills, house maintenance, socialising, any illness, and in your case, child care. There is noone to pass responsibility to.

All you can do (I find) is future proof yourself a little. Have your savings (which you seem to), have a dial a pizza delivery place, look for a reliable handyman, and reliable childcare.

Small (smart) things can take those burdens off, just as youre about to tip.

Few months ago, I had been quite sick with a flu. I was strewn in bed the Saturday morning, red faced, coughing, snot, feverish etc. I had to get 2 new tyres on the front of my car. It had an NCT the following week and Sat was the only day the garage was open and that I could get in. I had to get up (state of me), drive 30 mins, and get those dang tyres. No, I didn't go into the waiting room. I have family and friends who could have helped, but didn't want to burden anyone (unless it's a medical emergency).

Few weeks after that flu, all my glands swelled up and I had a bad fever. I got myself to a doctor, in and out by myself.

The above are only examples. I've plenty!

I am a strong oak. I built a whole house on my own too.

Altho fleeting moments, I wouldn't change it. If someone worth while came along, I'd be open. But that's a diamond in the rough and I can't rely on what ifs, so I get on and enjoy life. I'm not going to waste my years grieving for a different life.

I hear you, I see you. I have been where you are. It’s so so tough. Allow yourself to be sad and have that time to let your emotions take over. It’s important to let things out, to name your sadness and fatigue and all the awful feelings about why life went this way and how unfair it feels, how everyone else living their lives doesn’t know what it’s like to be you, in your place.

Because you know that in the morning you’ll be there, as ever, for your child, smiling, kind and loving. Being a good mum to them. You’re allowed to take time out for your own feelings and it’s important that you do.

I definitely recommend counselling, if you can find a way to get that space for yourself. Just being able to say things out loud, to another adult, who isn’t a friend or relative or colleague or nursery worker, is invaluable. It helps you come to terms with the present and face your future. There are people here who understand. Keep posting. And keep going, because life goes up and down and then up again. I promise.

So sorry to read this.
Do you have good female friends to go out with, have a laugh and a joke, a curry and a glass of wine?

(I too broke this weekend, over something completely different - my medical condition that is ruining my life! )

@BinNightTonight This is such a thoughtless response. It is not a good position to be in, to be a solo parent. If I end up in hospital tomorrow or die, what happens to my baby?

This is a real concern that is a byproduct of loneliness, and there are a lot of people who erroneously think that loneliness is not an issue.

I imagine the solution to this would be to have a circle of people that you are actively surrounded by, so that if something did happen to you (which we hope it doesn't), then your baby would not be alone for long before being discovered.

Personally I could never live in a house or flat where I was the only adult. I’ve always lived in busy households and would find that intensely lonely and isolating.

Could you get a lodger or students so it isn’t just you and your DC at home? I know some would worry about safety with a young child but I know others who’ve done this for extra income.

You say you didn't mean to be hurtful but anyone with any kind of tact or emotional intelligence whatsoever could not have read the OP, read my post and then posted what you posted.

And you are still commenting that everyone has their person, they just need to find them etc. Something that you have no evidence for and no authority to declare and only makes those who have had bad experiences, and been brave enough to share, feel much worse and at fault.

Tactless, insensitive, wrong and, yes, smug. You haven't even 'completed' your marriage yet so you cannot speak with any authority that you have it all correct. I hope you do, but I just can't believe the sheer audacity of you to say others could find a perfect man if they just tried.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I read your first post. When reading it I thought WOW! You are still only 39 years old with a 5 year old and you’re financially independent/safe. I am 51 and my child has left for uni. I am married but I earn no money so am completely reliant on him. Oh to be in my late 30’s again! Oh to have a daughter who is 5 again to spend magic times with! I know this is over-fantasising the reality because I know it is day to day hard and lonely but you have choices - everyday. I can’t choose to be in my 30s again and I can’t choose for my child to be back with me. I can’t choose to spend my money as I wish. You ARE SO LUCKY!!! go to bed saying 5 things your grateful for every day.