I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

[Sosaddj]

I feel like this weekend has finally broken me.

All my life the main thing I wanted was to have a family and a husband. I loved progressing my career and did well in it. Along the way I had relationships but nothing worked out for one reason or another. Sometimes it was me, other times it was just a shocker of a man that seemed nice at first.

I have a lovely amazing 5 year old and I’m a single parent and my 40th is next year.

Ex left me when Dd was 2. He sees her now and then. We weren’t married and thanks to my previous career we’ve been ok financially. I don’t know how I managed to carry on when he left but I did and things have settled now.

I feel so unbearably sad. Weekends spent alone while I see so many families around. Even seeing my siblings I am a second option, they leave when they need to (which I get) but it just highlights that it’s just me… I have nobody to rely on, nobody to take care of me.

For a long time I felt strong about this. I felt lucky I no longer needed to deal with a man’s crap again. I really enjoyed evenings to myself and making all the decisions.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel totally alone. My re mortgage is coming up again and that’s all on me. If I forgot something in the weekly shop nobody is nipping out to get it in the evening. I can’t collect a pizza as I can’t leave DD. I worry about money even though i have enough as I’m on my own. I don’t want to go on the big family holiday this year as they’re all sharing a place and it costs me proportionately more for one adult to travel rather than two.

I am just so sad. I am not perfect (far from it) but I don’t think I’m much different to the next person and yet most people have found someone by now. I’m exhausted and even if I was to meet someone I know I probably wouldn’t be their first choice to spend time with as I’m so stressed essentially being a lone parent most of the time.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just suddenly cracked this weekend and it’s like I’ve realised I still do have this wound and craving to spend my life with someone.

It’s a valid perspective though and you can’t tell what people’s relationships are actually like behind closed doors. There are a lot of lonely and unhappy people who are in relationships as well as single.

I don't think that promising you that the perfect person is round the corner and that you just need to adjust your life/mindset/hobbies/habits is helpful whatsoever. In fact, I think it is patronising bullshit and will make you feel even worse if it doesn't happen because that's implying it's clearly your fault. Some people just don't get the luck of meeting a good man who is available and likes them back.

And there really aren't that many good men to begin with. I am early 40s with a teenager and have been single for 5 years. My husband left me before the baby was born and the next man was abusive so I have never had the family experience with holidays, plans, sharing the load etc. It's shite. I want a partner - a friend and a lover, it would be fantastic and I get so envious looking around at other people and wishing it wasn't just me and my kid BUT of all the hundreds of couples I know or have known personally- family, friends, acquaintances, there are only 2 couples I am truly envious of and both of those are only 5ish years in. Every other couple has a toxic element, a misogynist husband. finance imbalance or a dissatisfied wife etc. I include my parents, dead grandparents, siblings and best friends in that. I wouldn't put up with half the shite they do to stay married.

Like you, I think I am a normal person, nothing objectively wrong with me but I won't accept abuse or piss poor behaviour anymore so that immediately puts men off you. I could have a boyfriend by the end of the week (and it's Sunday!) if I lowered my standards and so could you but what is the point in that.

Doing it alone is fucking shit but doing it with the wrong person is worse and that is what we need to hang on to. Maybe you will meet the perfect forever man, maybe you'll meet a perfect few temporary men but just be so grateful you have financial independence and do not need to compromise. Every woman I have observed in a long term relationship or marriage has had to dim herself to keep her man. Of course, I've only seen what I have seen and maybe every other woman is 100% authentic and in a fantastic relationship.

You are not the only one. It is hard. There is no prize or reward for doing it the hard way. But just enjoy what you can, when you can 💕

I agree. Plus it always seems a bit mean spirited to say - that thing you want? Well don’t worry I’m sure those people are all secretly miserable!

I think looking at happy couples can inspire you - if it can happen for them then it can happen for you. They’re just ordinary people like everyone else so I would use them as a reason to be positive instead of envious. Their existence literally proves that the thing you want is perfectly possible and achievable and in fact, quite abundant!

Oh, bless you. I totally relate to every word, especially missing the small things, someone nipping out when you've ran out of coffee or forgot to pick milk up, or popping out for a mcflurry at 11pm for you to eat in bed with a series, or someone else to take the child's shoes off after a day out while you cook tea, or saying "its your turn" when the child wakes up at the arse crack of dawn 5 weeks in a row, or, or, or....

My little boy is 19 months (almost 20) and his dad left us when he was 11 months, he has no contact with our baby. Its fucking hard. It doesnt help when people say "but at least...." as though you should be grateful for raising your child singlehandedly. Feel free to message me if you want someone who totally relates and empathises x

It sounds like a good position to be in. Some of us have average salaries and no children.

OP isn’t stupid and it belittles her very valid feelings and it’s patronising.

I know you are only 39 but you could be early stages of perimenopause and your emotions could be hormones. Sometimes though we are triggered by a series of things which become much more than a sum of their parts.
Your daughter is probably into school, that is a big change and a point where people can start to look to rediscovering themselves, maybe you need to make some changes for you. If she doesn’t go to her father could she go to grandparents one day every couple of weeks, you could go out and do something just for you. Could you go to the family holiday but for less time?

Have a good cry is my advice pet. Let it out. It’s ok to feel down and to acknowledge that life isn’t lifing quite how you imagined.

But hopefully after a bit of wallowing you’ll see that really you’ve got a lot of positives. You have a DD, you’ve accomplished a lot in your career which has given you financial independence and your own home. You possibly give off an air of self sufficiency to your loved ones so would letting them know how you’re feeling help? Or maybe a few sessions with a life coach so that you can work through your emotions. Best of luck to you.

Yeah it’s like telling someone with no money that rich people are all secretly miserable so it’s great they’re poor

I mean this nicely but honestly I absolutely hate being told to count my blessings as a lone parent.

I do that daily, 99% of the time I'm sunshine and rainbows because I have to be and it feels pointless dwelling on anything else. But actually lone parents are allowed to feel the weight we carry sometimes without being told 'chin up'. We have nowhere else to put that so being able to come into a space like this and be properly heard rather than shut down is actually quite important.

Op I see you, and I completely get that weight as I carry it as well and it's a very lonely place to be at times even though we know that it comes with peace and that peace is precious.

You are allowed to grieve the parts of your life that didn't work out the way you wanted. You are allowed to recognise that yes, it would be really nice for you to be actually seen, heard and taken care of and loved as a woman not just as a mum/ friend/ family member.

I think we all have those moments, where that sneaks up on us. Things like holidays, birthdays etc can feel extra hard when you see others with what you want and you wonder why it hasn't happened for you. It does help me to remind myself that when I see lots of happy families out and about that their men could be utter dicks behind closed doors and I'm thankful I'm not running after a man child as many women find themselves doing, but would it be nice to find someone and have a proper partnership and be loved properly the way I deserve? Absolutely. I don't need to apologise for feeling that way op and neither do you.

You are doing the work of two people on top of what sounds like a full on job and it's a lot. You're amazing.

I have a counsellor I see every few weeks and that helps me off load some of the heaviness of carrying everything on my own. I try to make some space for a little self care where I can. I also try to allow myself to feel my feelings when I need to. That's really important for avoiding burn out.

Do you have options for childcare op? Could you dip a toe into the dating pool again if you wanted to? There are plenty of single fathers out there. I think as a society we still really platform 'couple things' and we don't really celebrate single people successes the way we actually should. So while loads of people are out there in your and my shoes we just aren't as visible. And that makes it easy to feel alone.

Absolutely agree with @RamsaySnowsSausage - maybe you’ll meet someone or maybe you won’t OP. Nobody on here can be certain, and I find all this “ooh it’ll happen quickly when you least expect it!” really shit advice. Meeting a man and expecting him to radically enhance your life is like buying a moped and expecting it to fly to the moon.

I have no idea why some women find partners easily and others can be single for years. (I spent over a decade in the second category!) But I do know it has nothing to do with attractiveness, intelligence, wit or the absence of any great qualities. I would say the opposite is true actually (ime).

I’d like to make two suggestions if I may. Firstly, consider medication. I know I’m rush8ng to it, but when life suddenly shifts from manageable to a stark desert, sometimes medication is what you need while your body recovers.

Secondly… you are lonely because you are alone in certain situations. That’s ok, and totally normal. It’s also significantly- significantly!- better than being with someone eine who is mak8ng life harder or demanding attention. That hurst even more.

Honestly? Count your blessings.

This is really sad OP, I hope you can take care of you and remember you matter and are deserving of love. Life's just a bitch sometimes.

It’s tough OP, there’s no denying it.
It’s hard when life doesn’t pan out as we hope. Having small children can be relentlessly hard work.
Could some counselling help you with the process of accepting and focusing on the positives of your situation? Because there’s a lot here that’s great, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.
One thing that might help is to focus on each day as it comes, and finding/noticing two or three small things to have joy in each day? Rather than focusing on the bigger picture and how it is lacking what you so wished for, looking at the smaller picture and the good things day to day?
Life has phases, and you will feel better about things in time. xxx
(Also - many marriages are hanging on by a thread when the kids are this age. Just saying… don’t fall in to the trap of thinking everyone else is happy because they really are not!!!)

Please OP, you are feeling sad and lonely because you are a single parent and nobody supporting you.
I promise I understand that, I have lived experience.
I also need to let you know that meeting someone isn't always the right thing ;in fact that can make things worse.
You have your health, your daughter, your career.
I appreciate the loneliness of single parenthood but you need to concentrate on areas of your life that bring you joy.
Walks in the park, listening to music, playing with your daughter and watching her play and be happy at school.
Take pleasure from this.
Believe me when I say that having a partner can create more problems than it solves.
Celebrate YOU!

Are we seriously suggesting that this is just perimenopause or that op needs medicated...? Christ the night some of these responses are dire.

Tomorrow is another day - take each day as it comes and draw on the strength you clearly have. Go on that family holiday if you can afford it, and lean on your family if they will let you. Make your own luck by trying to dip your toe in the dating pool, very gently. You're having a bad day today, but you won't have bad days every day - you may even look back on today from a happier future and smile at how sad you were on that one day. Good luck! Lots of Mumsnetters are thinking of you.

No it’s not! Maybe reread what you’ve written and check your comprehension skills

If you have a bit of money get a delivery pizza, you've earned it! Five year olds are lovely but it is hard being the chief cook bottle washer and morale police, I get it. You're doing a good job and it's alright to feel low. I think this hot week has made us all a bit more sad on some ways because we are not used to it and there is pressure to enjoy every moment when all the crap still has to be dealt with x

A lot of people do want a partner, so don't feel bad, or let people say you're being silly to feel upset-yes, we see lots about not having to have one now, but a lot of scientists say the norm for humans is to pair bond. Some people say they're happy alone, and good for them if they are, but you're certainly not weird to want a partner. Some of the busiest, strongest widows, with good careers and hobbies, still say they'd give it all up to have their husband back.

Are there any single mums where your DC goes to school ? If so arrange going to the park or days out with them and their DC

As a lone parent I can tell you that what it is, is inappropriate. Do you really not think that op is very aware of this fact and did not actually need it spelling out to shut her up?

OP wants a partner. Thats what she wants.

People on this thread telling her people in relationships are secretly miserable behind closed doors isn’t helpful. Plus it’s not true. Sure some might be unhappy but many are very contented and it’s ok to want that for yourself.

Awww OP I really felt your emotions in that post. I know its the done thing to say how great single life is and all the benefits of it, but I absolutely know what you mean, there’s a certain intimacy (not necessarily sexual) to a romantic relationship that you just can’t fulfil via platonic friendships and family.

You’re only 40, you have quite a lot of time ahead of you to develop a long lasting romantic relationship.

Im the most stone cold witch ever but even I got a twinge of sadness from your post.
You will meet your person, theres a time and season for everything. You are in your mum era right now. The romantic one is yet to come if you want it