I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

[Sosaddj]

I feel like this weekend has finally broken me.

All my life the main thing I wanted was to have a family and a husband. I loved progressing my career and did well in it. Along the way I had relationships but nothing worked out for one reason or another. Sometimes it was me, other times it was just a shocker of a man that seemed nice at first.

I have a lovely amazing 5 year old and I’m a single parent and my 40th is next year.

Ex left me when Dd was 2. He sees her now and then. We weren’t married and thanks to my previous career we’ve been ok financially. I don’t know how I managed to carry on when he left but I did and things have settled now.

I feel so unbearably sad. Weekends spent alone while I see so many families around. Even seeing my siblings I am a second option, they leave when they need to (which I get) but it just highlights that it’s just me… I have nobody to rely on, nobody to take care of me.

For a long time I felt strong about this. I felt lucky I no longer needed to deal with a man’s crap again. I really enjoyed evenings to myself and making all the decisions.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel totally alone. My re mortgage is coming up again and that’s all on me. If I forgot something in the weekly shop nobody is nipping out to get it in the evening. I can’t collect a pizza as I can’t leave DD. I worry about money even though i have enough as I’m on my own. I don’t want to go on the big family holiday this year as they’re all sharing a place and it costs me proportionately more for one adult to travel rather than two.

I am just so sad. I am not perfect (far from it) but I don’t think I’m much different to the next person and yet most people have found someone by now. I’m exhausted and even if I was to meet someone I know I probably wouldn’t be their first choice to spend time with as I’m so stressed essentially being a lone parent most of the time.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just suddenly cracked this weekend and it’s like I’ve realised I still do have this wound and craving to spend my life with someone.

Wow, so basically your idea of "finding love" is "lower your standards love, someone will have you eventually".

I feel sorry for the Op for her loneliness but I feel worse for you.

ETA FFS there is no "one" for everyone!! We could all click with many many people if the timing, the location and the desire is there in both people at the same time. Otherwise it is literally a "Well there is no one better right now" and then sign off on the deal! How can someone be (I am guessing due to your relationship length) roughly my age and not get that! I am over your smugness but your naivety is off the fucking scale!

And women having too high standards isn't the issue. Women should up their standards, not lower them.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Life can be so unfair. I hope tomorrow is better.

@Ace56post may sound a little harsh but there is some truth in it.

people very rarely “have it all” and we do all focus on the thing we don’t have.

But you’re feeling sad about it and I get it. I don’t want to minimise it. I’m not in your position but I can understand how you feel.

For what it’s worth: I feel I may be in your position soon, but with very little family and very little money!

I’m married to a lovely man. Been married for 15 years and have 3 young kids.

Unfortunately a few years ago when we were going through a bad patch he cheated on me and lied about it. I found out about it last year but still don’t know the full extent of it due to his lying I’ll never know if he’s telling the truth or not.

we do all the things you talk about; get in th car together and decide who’ll drive, pop to the shops if I’ve forgotten something.

But I can’t get over the fact that he chose a bit of excitement with another woman over me.

im anxious and my confidence has been obliterated and I just can’t live with this, despite also not knowing how I will manage on my own.

so in a lot of ways I have the “togetherness” that you covet….but it’s superficial. I guess I don’t really have it. And that is also very painful. With the added fear of what’s to come.

I don’t know, I don’t want to seem like I’m minimising your sadness, I’m not, I get it. But remember, things can change in an instant. Just keep doing your best for you and your little one and you never know what’s round the corner.

Yes, from your writing, I would find you difficult to partner.

However, if you wind your neck in and just appreciate life and don’t be naive then you’ll find your one.

Wishing you all the best.

You’re literally at the hardest moment right now. It starts to get easier quite quickly. Hang in there.

So explain what you meant by "change your criteria" please.

I met the most amazing partner when I was 39, a chance encounter. Still very happy 6 years later. But before I met him I felt very much like you do now. Don’t give up hope.

Wow. I havent decided if you are troll on a wind up or just a smug arsehole who thinks they know it all. Either way, remember that pride comes before a fall. And I hope that yours is a very long fall indeed.

Hopefully this is just a blip you are going through and your body and mind just need a good release to reset your energy. You are allowed to have a good cry and reflection.
but remember you are doing a great job.
if you can afford to go on the holiday then please go. Maybe even hint to your family that you are feeling lonely and down about not having someone to share the load with.

they probably just see you as being on top of things and don’t realise that you are missing something. Maybe they will know someone you could date or babysit for you

I know exactly what you mean about the feelings of it all being on you. It’s so hard when there is no one to share the workload of a house and a child. I lived alone for many years and was constantly frightened of rising costs or something going wrong I couldn’t fix. Making every decision yourself is very tiring.

it might not seem like it now but life will change and it won’t always be like this. I spent so much time worrying about the future and it was such a waste of time.

Wishing you lots of good things for the future.

@pickalillyspooon your post is full of warmth, compassion and understanding, whilst also stating the fact that not everything is what it seems.

OP I was a single parent from the off. I did have the Father of my children living with me but that was all he did, then after 16 years I kicked him out, so then I was ‘alone’. It is tough, incredibly tough. You talk about being someone’s second choice, maybe you need to work on your self esteem (I say this because I also feel this way). Meeting someone is not easy but not unattainable. Believe me 40 is young! Good luck OP. Enjoy your DD.

@Sosaddj same here unfortunately, nearly 10 years single. Really felt it recently on a girls night out with everyone chatting about their husbands/partners. I've done it all myself, the kids are wonderful too. However id never want them to go through what ive been through doing it all alone.

Thought id found the love of my life but he just realised he wanted more time/attention from someone so started to fade me out. Broke my heart really but I get it, its not easy to take on someone with kids.

I think you have to cry it out then think tomorrow is another day. Plus 40 is young, so maybe still try online dating etc.

I think you are grieving a life that you wish you had and that you were about to have.

I think it is hard when you have a 2 year old. As you don’t get the response back. I was on your shoes in my 20s. When my child was about 6 and could talk and we had days out, and she wasn’t in nappies and we could sit at child friendly restaurants, I felt less lonely. And I have always leaned on friends for adult conversations so that has helped.

Im sorry you feel this way. It’s normal and a chance for you to reflect on what you really want. Whilst also accepting that you have a wonderful child and there is a future for you.

My husband had an affair when my youngest was 5. Met a lovely man a year later. We lived in our own homes as both had kids. Still live in our own homes, my daughter is now 21. Maybe we will move in together one day...
So I would recommend if you find someone stay in your own home, best of both worlds so make sure they are solvent and have their own place.
Good luck.

I felt the same way when I realised I was totally on my own with a small child. I felt like I’d lost being in my prime and there was no hope - lifelong dream being married with kids. I’m closer to your age now but DD is 14. I’ve had no decent relationships since and I’ve been at the point for several years now that I don’t want one. I’m stable and happy on my own. I do get horribly lonely sometimes but it does pass and I enjoy my own space and having time to myself when she’s in school. Her “D”F disappeared 7 years ago. The sheer weight of responsibility does weigh heavily on me constantly. But I’ve had no one to take care of me for so long that I’m used to it. I’ve mitigated my responsibility with reminders, accounting down to the penny and always making sure I’m on top of any problem that pops up. Most everyone I know has found someone by now, married and had several kids. My life is nowhere near what I planned but I cope with it as best as I can. I am a lone parent 24/7.
You still do have time to find what you want, don’t count yourself out yet.

At the end of the day we all only have ourselves to look out for us. You only have to look at the myriad of posts on here to see that.

Im a single parent too. I have lots of friends but like you it’s ultimately down to me. But that’s empowering in a way. Of course sometimes I get down and shed a tear, but really…life is good. Enjoy it

Hi op, I am you! Same age and almost same age child.
if you lived closeby I’d be your friend and book holidays and playdates with you/ you need to find your tribe

100% this. OP, it sounds like you’re doing really well in life.

I don’t doubt that it’s very stressful being the sole responsible adult in your household, and loneliness is an awful feeling so I don’t want to diminish that at all. However, you are still pretty young, particularly given you don’t have to worry about rushing to have a DC.

Your life doesn’t look like what you pictured right now but that’s normal and can change quickly.

I completely get feeling like you’re no fun to be around when you’re chronically stressed but you’re probably not as bad as you think.

Be kind to yourself.

When I was 39 I was a single parent of a 2 year old.
8 years later I met my partner, and we’ve been together for 10 years now.
Life isn’t over yet OP!

Could you be depressed? Menopausal? Pre period? I’m single and I totally understand with all the happy families etc. I am depressed and it hits much harder. I constantly feel guilty my child is missing out on so much as spends most of their time with me and not a family. I don’t even have family close

Completely agree and I say this as a child free woman - personally, I would rather remain child free than be a single parent. It is NOT what I want and while I would love my child overall I’d find it miserable to raise them alone.

Partly because I’d feel terrible for them if they didn’t have an active and engaged present father. And partly because I wouldn’t want to be the one doing everything.

So I have full sympathy for you, Op and any other lone parents struggling.

I think you need to reframe things. To me, it sounds like you are finally ready to start dating again. For three years you have been happy to be alone, angry with ex partner and navigating early years as a single parent. Very little chance to meet someone sporadically in that situation! Now, your daughter is five, you are past those intense early years with a little more time to think about your own needs again. You’d like company and have the headspace for romantic relationships once more. Time to get back on the horse.

wtf. Why have you decided she’s ‘ready’ to date again. She need to find peace with her own life not hitch her happiness on finding a man ffs

And ‘life’ isn’t bloody dependent on having a man in it ffs