Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

I'm doing a meal out for my sons 18th, 12 people, very expensive place with a private room with a £1200 minimum spend but he doesn't want a big present, doesn't want a cake etc and doesn't have many mates so I feel it's probably justified for an 18th in place of a party party - I did an invite and just put a note on the bottom to say we'll pay for the food, just self fund your own drinks. The way I looked at it is that if he had a function room kinda party, we'd be expected to put a buffet of some sort on, and everyone would buy their own drinks at the bar, so it should be the same with a restaurant meal.

I’m in Scotland, not particularly affluent and would always expect to pay for birthday celebrations that I invited other people to. Both my wider family and my DHs wider family are the same.

It appears that one woman’s hospitality is another woman’s freeloading. Out of interest what would those of you on the freeloading side of the debate do if it was made clear you’re not expected to pay and an offer to do so would offend?

my friends/family are the opposite! if invited out, everyone chips in an extra fiver to cover the birthday person!

however it’s a bit different as a parent - i would 100% expect to pay for myself if invited to something like this x

I think it’s fine

It’s hosting if you invite people for the purpose of celebrating your/your child’s birthday.

South here
Ive never been to an invited event and paid for my self
Everyone would be shocked
Hosting and being generous is really important in my familyforrin
The shame of expecting people to pay to attend something you have invited them to -WTAF!

A casual lunch or pub get together for a colleagues birthday or leaving do -yes always paid

I think thats the difference, I think people mean a get together rather than a formal invitation

I disagree i would never call myself the host if im not actually cooking or serving drinks or you know actually hosting. Just turning up to a pub/ restaurant and sitting down i don't see as hosting

Born and lived most of my life in South of England, parents Scottish and English. Now live in Scotland. Would never consider asking people I invited to an 18th Birthday party for my child to pay.

So do we think this is a Scottish and Southern thing because im northern and this isn't a thing and nobody i know pays for everyone either.

Exactly
Sometimes we can’t afford things - and that’s okay.

Do something that falls within your budget.

You should pay for everyone.

I'm quite possibly in the MN minority but as a rule of thumb:

If I can choose what I'm having from a menu with varied prices, I would expect to pay for myself.

If I'm picking from a limited choice, silver service, type of menu I would expect the host to pay a per head cost and not pay for myself.

So I don't think YABU.

I think it would be nicer if the host paid for something. My in laws are like this, expects others to pay (me and DH specifically). I can recall many events too where my SIL has hosted an event, only to ask us to provide all the food for it. It was so strange to me to be invited in the first place, you’d think they would have organised something but she expected a spread on our coin for her family and friends.

As you can imagine, there is very little to do with that side. Her kid is also hitting a milestone birthday. Since they couldn’t bother with our DC’s milestones or anything, it will be a very modest present and no attendance. No doubt we would be expected to pay for all the guests.

I was always taught if you invite someone if you can’t do a more expensive option you provide the less expensive option because that’s what you can afford. I kind of have an issue with if I have to pay for something then I want to be in charge of where I go.

Just a question to people who pay for all their family and friends meals. If you was talking to friends or family and said about a load of you going on holiday together would you pay for that to or to the theatre, cinema, concert or is it just food.

In my family those that invite always pay regardless of the reason. I was very shocked when my, now, in laws, invited my immediate family out for a meal to meet up before we got married and only paid for themselves. The bill arrived and they threw in enough to cover their food, not drinks. My Dad paid the bill in full. Though, they set the bar and we have never paid for their meals since. It works, but i wish we knew in advance.

You can’t really compare the two as a meal wouldn’t come close to the cost of a holiday theatre concert. Cinema, ok maybe.

When I was a teen, a friend of mine had a big family and friends dinner for her 18th. Must have been about 40 people. At the time I was invited I was told I would have to pay for my own meal and how much that would be. When I got there my friend’s mum said she was paying for everyone’s first drink.

I don’t think YABU to ask people to pay but you should definitely be upfront at invite imo!

It’s all those things. We pay for our kids to join us on holiday every now and then and if we invite them to the theatre we pay.

But the principal is the same if you are inviting people then surely you pay. Why does this rule only apply for meals.

I think this is fine. I do t mind people treating or picking up the occasional tab myself but I wouldn’t expect it and think they were rude for not doing. The norm in my circle of family and friends is to all pay for yourself. It’s not unheard of for someone to pay for it all but it’s not the norm.

You’re inviting them to help you celebrate your son’s 18th birthday. I think you should pay.

This

I only pay for celebrations that I’ve invited people to, so an ordinary meal or the cinema we’d all pay our own. Planning a holiday is a joint thing, although I have paid for my sister when it was somewhere I wanted to go for a big birthday.