Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

I’m north east and it’s not the rule in my circle either. 9 times out of ten people just pay for themselves. I have paid for others and been paid for on occasion but the general rule is you just pay for yourself

If you can’t afford to pay for them don’t invite them.

I think that if you invite people then you pay. I would imagine that they will already be buying a birthday gift. Why not cut down numbers of people that you invite so that is affordable for you.

This is a weird issue because on MN lots of people seem to pay for everything, but no one I know in real life would ever do or expect this, it's like parallel universes. As long as it's phrased as 'we're going to this restaurant for DS' birthday', rather than describing it as a party.

So in your world someone who is on low income or just doesn’t have that type of money can never go out for a meal with friends on her birthday because she’s rude to not pay for them all. I accept people clearly do things differently but it’s just not the norm in my circle

The other thing is if someone was paying for my meal I'd feel guilty and not get what I actually wanted as I'd be conscious of the price so get something cheaper. If im paying myself I can get exactly what I want

Inviting people to celebrate, I’d fully expect to pay for my guests. Especially as most people will turn up with gifts?

Otherwise, you go out for lunch/dinner with just your son/immediate family, and host a champagne tea and cake in the afternoon for wider family.

I'd assume I'd be paying for in this situation. However, we do have a family member who would struggle to afford it, and if I were organising I would pay for them on the quiet.

Why on earth would you feel guilty and not order what you want? I’d expect everyone to have whatever they want.

Paying for myself as a guest, that should be!

Whereas I’d have chosen the restaurant on the basis that I could afford to pay for whatever people ordered. So I’d not choose a Michelin starred place for 40 people, I’d pick somewhere I knew was both reasonably priced and good quality/nice atmosphere.

I think this is a bit 'off'. You would be better doing a buffet at home. I know folk do this these days. But its not great. Yes we'd live you to come to our event but pay for yourself.

Cut your cloth, Op.
Have a party at home.

I'm from the south, in my 50s, comfortably off now, but haven't always been, friends and family pretty much all middle class. I have always been in groups (friends and family) where we pay for ourselves and sometimes the birthday person. I choose a restaurant that I know everyone would enjoy and could afford! I see it as wanting to celebrate with the person rather than expecting to be treated by them.

As long as you tell them upfront it’s fine. We did a family meal out after our wedding for MIL, my Mum and my brother. Had to rein them in and say ‘no steaks!’ Mil wanted us to invite other family….aye when you are paying we will!

Because if say lasagne and chips, gammon and chips, carbonara, curry is around £15 and these are the things people are ordering with a pint or a glass of wine. I'm not going to take the piss and order a starter then a £30 steak then a dessert and several cocktails.

I find this debate so interesting as my family are huge and we do big family meals out fairly regularly for birthdays and other occasions and everyone pays for their own. It's just assumed that's how we'll do it.

DH's family, on the other hand, would expect to have their meal paid for by the person doing the inviting. And not in a bad, grabby way. They're actually super generous and regularly pay for things. It's just how they do things.

They're a smaller family which possibly makes a difference. The family split at our wedding was about 80/20 to my side. And that was him inviting all his cousins and me inviting none of mine! Luckily he's much nicer than me and had loads more friends which evened it up a bit!

You invite, you pay.

If I was paying I’d fully expect everyone to have three courses which might well include steaks. I’d buy wine for the table and you could buy your own cocktails.

If someone invited me out for dinner for their birthday it would never occur to me they would be paying for me. Only if it was a wedding or a buffet meal.

When you invite them you could say that your child would love them to join us to celebrate their 18th for a meal out however you understand meals out these days can be pricey (so that is telling them they’ll be paying) so I’ve attached a link to the menu for you all to have a mooch beforehand etc etc something along those lines

If I invited you to a place doing steak, I’d be more than happy for folk to order steak, and a starter and a dessert. I want to celebrate, not monitor folks food intake.

i wouldn’t invite people out for an occasion like an 18th etc if I couldn’t afford it.

if people asked me what we doing I’d say o we are going to x for a meal you are welcome to see if there is space to book at the same time and we will ask to be seated together.

but if it was just going out for food for a normal occasion I would say do you fancy going to x or me and xyz are going out Saturday for food if you fancy joining us

I think if you are inviting people for a celebration meal you should pay. If you don't want to pay I would suggest immediate family for the meal and maybr next day a party/gathering for wider family at home

Im really shocked at the answers here. I would never ever expect someone else to pay for my food ever. In fact I’d rather they didn’t so I don’t feel like I need to order cheap!

If it’s a party, that’s different, but surely it’s the norm to split the bill?