Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Except its the hosts here insisting on paying or not.
No one has said they expect it
If Im hosting and inviting them I pay

Ive never been invited to a wedding, party or an invited,rather than just a casual invite, meal and the hosts havent paid for everyone

Work lunch for a birthday, leaving etc everyone pays
Its so shabby to pretend to host then make people pay, if you cant afford it dont have a party

Totally normal to expect people to pay for their own meals. I'm in the south so I don't think its an area thing maybe just a wealth one!
I did make it clear when we had a celebration for my father that it was pay for your own meals , but everybody had expected that anyway. We paid for people's first drink..

"Money better spent elsewhere" suggests you are being tight.
I wouldn't dream of asking family to pay, but I'm weirdly old fashioned about some things.

I've been to many family celebration meals out. I would never expect anyone to pay for my food. In fact I'd buy the person who is celebrating a drink.

It’s not for well off people! A general birthday is very different from a ‘big’ birthday.

I live in the US Deep South and grew up with the "she/he who invites, pays" expectation for restaurant dining, but I have noticed that this is changing, certainly in my family. With meals out being so much more expensive these days, we now each pay for our own, even for milestone birthdays. It sort of gradually became that way, but it was one of my brothers who first made the suggestion in connection with my other brother's birthday. Even for parties at home, we all contribute by bringing a dish or other offering. With costs rising and not showing signs of retreating, it just seems fairer to share the burden of entertaining.

Honestly, I will never understand the implication that someone is going to pay for 10+ people just because you’ve been invited out. Mumsnet is the first place I’ve heard that this is even a thing. I just think you phrase it in a way of - dinner to celebrate sons birthday, would love if you can come but understand if moneys tight. I’d be so sad not to be invited out for a meal because the person was worried they would sound tight if they didn’t pay. I can pay for myself and I’m happy to

If I were inviting people for a birthday celebration, especially a milestone one, I’d expect to pay and would choose the restaurant accordingly. For a general “let’s go out for dinner” then no, but to celebrate my child’s birthday I’d be footing the bill.

We used to be short on space before we moved. When people came over we did canapés, finger food type stuff. Seemed to work.

I always expect to pay for myself with the exception of weddings funerals and birthdays, then generally the food is provided.

Same here. And thankfully my friends feel the same, otherwise no one would ever organise meals out!

Same

I wouldn’t think a meal would be paid for tbh and I don’t come from a poorer family at all!

I think buying some drinks for the table would be enough

Same. It would never occur to me to ask guests to pay for themselves.

Absolute freeloading.

I’d feel really cheap, especially if people were bringing gifts for the birthday child. For me it’s like asking people to come for dinner and then bringing the food, beyond a bottle of wine or some flowers I don’t expect guests to cater for themselves.

If you can’t afford to pay there are cheaper ways to celebrate but for an 18th I’d be paying.

Im curious to see if this is a North/south, rich/poor, or age thing. I live up north am late 30s and poor and we have always all just pay for our own

Same. The only time I have eaten for free was a work do with a flashy hyper masculine boss who wanted to be the big I Am (it was actually very generous of him but he is an egomaniac).

As others have said, I think there is a real regional divide with this.
I’m in the north of England and would never expect to have my meal paid for, and have never had it paid for when going out for friends/ families meals out.

interestingly , my ex was southern, and the expectation was that the father would pay for meals for grown children’s birthdays.

I think it’s absolutely fine as long as people know beforehand.
you could perhaps get a few bottles of something to toast his birthday , but I really wouldn’t expect any more

@ThePeachLemur If they don't want to pay, they don't have to come. It's fine when you tell people upfront. Not when it's sprung on them after the meal :)

In my family if we go out to celebrate someone's birthday we all usually pay for our own, unless the birthday person's meal is being bought as a present.

Only really cheap hosts don’t actually host.

I disagree.

She literally wrote "We aren't skint".
Its not snobbery. I didnt grow up wealthy....

I wouldnt invite people to a restaurant to celebrate my childs birthday and expect them to pay.
If I couldnt or wouldnt pay the money id invite them to the house for tea and cake or a bbq or whatever i could afford.

As someone upthread mentioned you do not know the guest financial circs maybe they cant afford £150 on a meal for a family for 4 or 5....

Op is looking to write cheques shes expecting other people to cash.

I really don’t understand the view on here by some people that whoever suggests a meal out should pay-even when dating. If that’s the case then people might never suggest going out if they can’t afford to pay for others!

O think it’s fine to say, ‘we are thinking of going to x for dinner on Saturday for Sally’s 18thbirthday if you’d like to join us. Apologies I’m not rich enough to pay for everyone but would love you to come!’

Honestly I don’t see the problem! My family have been doing this since forever! Any birthday of my mum and siblings or their children, we go for a family meal whenever they want to and it’s never expected that the birthday family pay. We all pay our own way. If we didn’t want to go or couldn’t afford to go then we’d all just message to say sorry I can’t do it this time. No issues all round! The only exception to this is if my mum asks to go for a birthday meal for herself then usually is 4 siblings cover mums meal between us. That’s just because we want to do that for our mum. Otherwise everyone pays for their own food/drink.

Going out for a meal isn't hosting its meeting up in a pub/restraunt.