Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

I wouldn’t I only invite people when I can pay for everyone or I would have a ‘do’ at home.

I wouldn’t I only invite people when I can pay for everyone or I would have a ‘do’ at home.

And on the flipside this “you invite, you pay” rule is something I’ve only ever encountered on mumsnet, never in real life.

I think it sounds too much as an invitation out for her birthday meal, so you are hosting. Would hiring a room and having a buffet be cheaper?
Or if you want a meal then word it so that you don't expect gifts for DD but instead for them to be able to join you for the meal and pay for their own food.

Same its never even come up.

To be honest I wouldn't use that phrasing anyway, so maybe that's the difference. "Son would like to go out for a meal with his family to celebrate his 18th, would you like to come?" rather than "Son would like to invite you to his 18th birthday celebration meal"

I have never attended a meal (family or otherwise) and had the entire bill covered by someone else. I have always paid for myself and expected this before attending.

For my sons birthday we went to one of those big buffet type restaurants

great as it meant there was something for everyone to eat and no problems for fussy eaters

I paid for the meal but made it clear I wasn’t paying for drinks

cost around £300

Only greedy tight freeloaders expect others to pay for their meals out.

Totally agree with this. It can be over £100 just for a family of 4. We often go out for dinner for birthdays and our wider family comes. It’s an unspoken understanding in our family that everyone pays for themselves. Never been a problem.

That's so tight. Don't be surprised if people dont come. Maybe things are tight for them too? I hope you aren't expecting presents for your son too.

Actually embarrassed for you.

Not RFT but I did this for my 40th birthday. Sent out the invite with it clearly saying, if you would like to come then in lieu of presents, the meal costs £20 and needed to be paid to me in advance to (bank details) I sent the invites using an app at the time that tracked who had opened the invite, response and link to my bank so it was easy for them etc.

Well I thought they are all adults they can come or not come. All 66 invitees came and because they had paid in advance no one dropped out.

Similarly, we all paid for dinner ourselves at my nieces wedding (which was much smaller than my b day party) - and from my perspective, were so happy to not put a large financial burden on them, when we were perfectly able to pay for ourselves.

The important thing is being together, setting the parameters at the start when you invite people and let adults choose whether they want to be involved or not.

All this ‘I invite, I pay’ is ego nonsense. No one has to play by these made up rules.

Be careful how its worded as they might think its paid for. Or just get platters of food in..

You would refuse to go to someone's birthday meal who you apparently love and care about if they didn't buy it for you thats what's embarrassing

OP, if you have the cash, pay for the meal.

My family, my grandparents always pay. My partner's family, everyone pays for their own. Both are fine, so long as they're communicated in advance.

That’s a great idea, but don’t think this is in lieu of presents, it’s on top of.

I think you just have to make it clear they are buying their own food and drink. I’d pan for a couple of bottles of fizz for a toast to the birthday boy.

Does your DS want the wider family or just his nuclear family?

I think whether its okay to ask depends on what is normal within that group. If the people you are going to ask have previously invited you to celebratory meals and paid, then asking them to pay would be kind of rude. If you have been to celebratory meals with them where everyone paid for themselves then it wouldn't be rude, just make sure you're clear when you invite so they can say no if it doesn't suit and don't expect them to turn up just because it's DS's birthday. It's tricky if your family generally pay individually but DH's family host the whole group.

This comes up a lot on MN and you generally get people saying you have to pay. However I'm northern and its perfectly normal to have people pay their share.

You could clarify in the invite what the billing arrangements are.

Its really helpful to go to a pub where everyone orders and pays at the bar.

Alternatively you can do a set tapas menu at some Turkish and tapas places where everyone pays a set amount per head and orders their own drinks at a bar.

Indian is similarly easy as you just get poppadoms rice and main so you don't get a big disparity between someone ordering the steak and someone ordering a cheap dish.

I’d never expect somebody else to pay for my meal if invited out for dinner at a restaurant and have always paid my way. I think it’s quite old-fashioned and only within very well off circles that this is a thing.

Our family have a lot of birthday eating out celebrations for the young people and adults. We all pay for ourselves and always have done.

I think if you invite them to your son’s birthday meal, you should pay.

We have family who have invited for celebrations and had everyone pay their own way. We never really think much of it.

yet I can’t be the person to not host those same people when it is our turn.

That's mean. Some people are really struggling but try their best.. The snobbery on here from fools like you is really next level.