Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

If you can't or won't pay for them don't invite them. Simple.

You expect other to pay and bring a present along? Stop being cheap.

Same if I couldn’t afford I’d be embarrassed to ask people to pay for their food or drink.

I think the idea that you have to pay for people if you’ve invited them out for dinner is so old fashioned. Not once in my life has this ever happened to me - regardless of the occasion and who does the inviting everyone always pays for themselves!

DH's family has an 'invitee pays' policy, so they never go to dinner together.

My family where everyone naturally pays for themselves/or their own family and always have, go out to dinner at least every couple of months.

I know which I prefer, and it's nothing to do with being "tight".

We had the same dilemma in our family and found what works for us is that the host family of the birthday child chooses a restaurant with a set price menu, maybe their group/party menu, then the guests pay for that only, say it’s £21 a head for two courses or something, and then the host pays for everything else, welcome drinks all drinks with meal including coffees after and also pays the service charge and tip. Then the guests know what it’s going to cost them and in the end probably only pay about half the actual cost of what they consume. I’ve done that with all my three kids and now we are only my younger sister’s kids and she’s followed the same model. Oh and we don’t have dessert but being a birthday cake.

This provincial outlook on life you have must be very limiting.

Same as you by the sounds of it

I’m also one to say that if you invite people to an event then you should pay for it or at least contribute to it. Esp as you have said you can afford it and your child is only turning 18 once!

So arrange a fixed menu, set up a bar tab, pay for table wine or desserts or intro drinks and nibbles etc. Whatever you decide, make sure it’s clear from the outset so guests know what to expect.

I think if I expected guests to celebrate with us but pay for themselves, then I’d also mention no gifts please, as their company is all the gift you’d need (cheesy) or you son requires. I would still contribute something though, initial glass of champagne or something upon arrival.

When my daughter was 18 I was a single parent and money was tight. I invited all family and a few friends to our rather posh local for drinks. This was limited to two hours (daughter was off out later with mates) and I paid for all the drinks in that time. I also provided Prosecco and a beautiful cake. Everyone knew up front what was provided and was fine about it. I couldn't possibly have bought meals for them all!

Am I peculiar in that even if I am invited out for a meal, I’d still expect to pay for myself? I find it too embarrassing to have someone pay for me. I don’t know many people that could comfortably afford to pay for a table full of people in these days.

We've been out for lots of family occasions and always expect to pay our way.

If you want to have this meal I think you need to pay for it. Otherwise just take your son out for the meal he wants and have a separate party at home.

I would never expect to be paid for. I always pay for myself. I suppose a wedding is different, but if was in private room in public etc. I might think there might be a buffet. But would pay for my drinks.
If I was paying for my own food at say a wedding I would expect a choice of food. Which I would be happy to pay, but the happy couple wouldn’t be getting a gift.

It's something I've only ever come across on here. I don't know anyone personally who'd be able to afford to pay for everyone's meals so the expectation isn't there.

These threads really are the ones that show the haves and the have-nots

Edited to say that it's always the haves that expect others to pay when invited out and can't understand any other point of view. Also the ones that seem to want to split a communal bill equally (usually when buying the most expensive booze)

Why don’t you go as a family for
the meal followed by a party at home with the wider family.

It’s the haves who pay the bill in my experience because it’s a nice thing to do if you’ve got the money.

This is the weirdest thread ever! I love going for birthday meals for friends and family and never in a million years would I expect them to pay for my meal. It’s not a party/hosting.. it’s literally going out for food. Baffled.

I don't think this is true. I grew up poor so we only had small parties at our house, including milestone birthdays for my parents, as that's all we could afford. Extended family with money had these restaurant parties where they paid for everyone. If they hadn't paid we probably wouldn't have been able to go.

I’m also one to say that if you invite people to an event then you should pay for it or at least contribute to it.

Why though? If you want to go to a festival and ask a friend if they want to go, would you pay for them as it is your suggestion? Or if you want to do a spa day? or go to the cinema? Why is a meal out any different?

The whole 'invitee has to pay' when going for a meal seems silly to me tbh, we've never done that in our family and we all go out together all the time.

If you use the word "invite" you have to pay.

If you phrase it as "we are going to (restaurant) to celebrate and if any of you would like to join us that would be lovely, but it does have to be a dutch treat, we can't pay for everyone's meals but we'll do the first round of drinks on us to toast (name)" then it's not an invitation and it's up to them whether they choose. But you must make it ciear there's no pressure or expectation to come if they don't want to buy themselves a meal at that restaurant.

But if it's a festival or the cinema you don't "invite" - you say "I'm going to (festival)" or "I want to see (film)" or perhaps "shall we ()" . I'm sure I'd never say to a friend "Please would you come to (film/festival) with me?" which would be an invitation but a weird thing to do.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking them to pay to
attend your child’s 18th birthday.
Book something cheaper or don’t invite the wider family. It’s fine on random occasions for everyone to pay, not really a birthday party, I always have it at home to save money rather than asking anyone to contribute.

This.