Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Just explain that you’re going for a meal for your son’s 18th. They are more than welcome to join, however, with the current financial climate you completely understand if they’re not able! Indicates they would be expected to pay.

I don’t think if anyone invited me to dinner I’d expect them to pay. You’re inviting them for their company! But obviously everyone has differing opinions on this, which I understand!

Just go as close family members. Have a small home party for wider family.

If it was any ordinary dinner I’d say you’re not being unreasonable! BUT it is your son’s 18th birthday and if you aren’t skint then maybe you could make this exception and just budget for the rest of the month?

on the flip side, I’m sure the wider family will totally understand and of course want to celebrate 18th birthday but I think it’s quite sweet he wants to spend it with his family and so I’d say spoil everyone!

Sounds like a good compromise, we’ve not got much spare money but did pay for the meals on the 18th, 21st etc

In our family we pay for the guests food and a few bottles of wine for the table. Or we do bring a plate and bottle events.

If you're inviting them, you pay

I'd just say we are going out to eat for Dave's birthday you are more than welcome to join us but it's pay for your own food ,,I wouldnt be offended at all

Do you usually pay for everones meals? In my family its expected that we will all pay our own share and if anything contribute a bit extra so the birthday person doesn't end up paying their own meal. It would be awkward for all concerned if your family paid their own bill but your DH didnt ask his family to pay their share! I would make sure that everyone knew that there would be no bad feeling if people felt they had to bow out of the meal because of the cost

I genuinely don’t understand when it become the norm to pick up the tab for everyone if you meet for dinner. Not sure if it’s a northern thing but I’m mid 40s and meeting for dinner for birthdays / celebrations / for the hell of it has been routine for 20 or so years in my friend / family group and it has never been discussed, everyone just pays their way.
But it is also normal amongst everyone I know to all muck in if someone is hosting in their home and make sure to ask and share out food / drink.

If it is usual to pick up the tab amongst your family I would just be explicit when inviting so people can decide whether it works for them or not. I would not find it remotely rude. In fact I’ve found it more awkward when I’ve had a couple of friends insist on treating.

I don’t think so.

I think it would be ok if you pay for the food and one drink per person and they pay for anything else above that.

@ThePeachLemur It's his 18th birthday. If you hosted a party you would end up spending at least 500 quid, so I would just suck it up and pay. It sounds like you can afford it, even if there are other things you would rather spend the money on.

Just warn DH not to get carried away and start ordering champagne! 🍾

I am with your husband in this! It is embarrassing. You say you are not skint! Your son will only have an 18th birthday once! How dies your son feel about this!
i would at least pay for the drinks.

I don’t know if it’s just where I’m from but I would never expect someone to pay for me if they’d invited me out for a meal - I would always expect to be paying for myself so find it weird how many people on mumsnet always get funny about this type of thing

The problem with that though, is there are some who genuinely can't afford it, or as op says "feel it's better spent elsewhere" so will choose not to attend even if they don't want to give offence. Or worse, feel that they have to and be a bit resentful.

Then birthday boy might be a bit upset - feeling that there are friends and family who consider his birthday is not worth forking out for (even if that's not the case and they genuinely have difficulty budgeting for it)

Nope. Just pay for the bloody thing if you can afford it. How can it be better spent than making your son's birthday happy and comfortable for everyone?

This!

No, I think it's only reasonable to invite others if you intend to pay.

In this situation, I would explain that budgets are tight and that you've managed to speak to the venue and secured a fixed menu for say, £25 per head (or whatever), and check is everybody okay with that. Of course some people will be slightly offended, but we all do what we can. I agree that if difficult say you'd like to host a gathering at home, and could people bring a small dish to contribute to the big meal x

If we invite people to help us celebrate something in our family, we expect to pay for everyone’s food and drink. But we’re in the Mediterranean, maybe things are done differently here, I don’t know. For us, there is a difference between someone saying: "There’s a restaurant I’d like to try, would you like to come too, how many should I book it for on Saturday night?” and “We’re celebrating my birthday, and we’d like to invite you to join us at this particular restaurant at a specific time and date. Please let us know if you can make it so we can tell the restaurant how many to cater for."

So you expect folk to turn up with a decent 18th birthday present AND pay for their own meals

Exactly this. How many people are in your wider family? It may get messy trying to split the bill fairly if there are a lot of people.

So you expect people to buy your food for you

For goodness sake, do you not understand how these threads work?

People are having two very different opinions on this one. I believe my way is right because that is my mentality, my idea of etiquette, my experience in MY social circles, and how I choose to behave with MY family and friends.

You clearly think it is absurd and believe it is fine to invite and let others pay at YOUR birthday and in turn, pay for yourself at someone else's celebration meal. That is also fine, nobody is stopping you. We are simply disagreeing because we live different lives.

It is you that is sneering and chatting shit about black ties and hand written invitations.

Perhaps tell the wider family that you are having a celebratory meal on this date and would they like to join you. Give an approximate cost so everyone knows the situation and can decline if they wish. Perhaps consider buying everyone a drink or paying for any grandparents, if appropriate, you know your family. Alternatively keep it as a small gathering and pay for everyone. You are only 18 once.

This is good advice. You say you don’t want to look tight so don’t.

You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about this. But you're absolutely right it is your mentality that you like people to buy your food for you. As i like to pay my own way in life.

On mumsnet most posters expect to be hosted when invited out for a meal.

Meanwhile, in the real world, when I am invited out for a meal to celebrate someone's birthday I don't expect to have my meal paid for - with friends or family. It is common practice among all the people I know to be asked to join someone at a restaurant rather than to expect to be "hosted".

However, many of the more affluent mumsnetters have different expectations, and don't seem to understand that other people do things differently.