Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

How weird, I have never (except once) been invited out to a birthday meal and that meal been paid for by the ‘host’ - usually for a meal everyone pays their own way? But then we don’t really have huge family meals out, I mostly do meals with small groups of friends and definitely wouldn’t expect the birthday person to pay for everyone’s meal!
Certainly with my in laws we would expect to pay our own way for a meal out to celebrate birthdays.

Our wealthy neighbours and friends invited us out for a big birthday meal which they paid for and I thought it was very generous!

I hate other people paying my way. Unless I attend a wedding or event where the food is catered, I prefer to pay for my own family. The idea of someone shelling out 100’a on my behalf doesn’t sit well with me, no matter how well off they are. If I can’t afford to pay my way I don’t go.

Personally I would be pleased to have expectations made clear from the start.

He doesn't want this he wants to go for a meal with family for his 18th and because dh family won't pay for their own food that they will be ordering and eating he now doesn't get the birthday he wants. I would absolutely hate for someone to not do what they actually want for their birthday as they thought they had to pay for me when I'm more then capable of paying for my own food

Me either, I was brought up, that if you invite people, you pay.
Times change i guess

No. You simply INVITE, then you PAY.

You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder over something fairly straightforward.

Though nobody is making you do it, or partake.

You could say. We’ve decided to go out for DH 18th, be great if you could join us if you are available, we will get the drinks in as it’s his birthday & then they know they need to bring money for the food bill. Then get a drink & a food bill so you know where u are. I can’t think of another way of asking and being subtle at the same time ad it would make me feel really awkward to not pay. At the same time I see what you are saying.

Presumably if the wider family are being invited to your son's milestone birthday party they will all bring presents for him?
If you're inviting them all out to celebrate your son's birthday and choosing the venue but choosing not to pay for the invitees' meals, tell them not to bring any presents and just pay for their meals instead! After all, they need to be savvy with their money too!

How you think your way is right when 57% of people have voted against your opinion

This thread is baffling to me. I've never gone to a meal expecting someone else to pay for me unless it's a wedding or bbq at their house.

Its comments like this that makes me so grateful for the friends and family I have.

The other way to look at it is: everyone chips in for the birthday boy's meal 🤷🏻‍♀️

As long as you're clear on the invite either way.

Do not get this at all, why would you expect the person asking you to the meal to pay purely because they’ve put the idea out there to go, 18th or not. I would never expect to go for a meal in a restaurant and expect someone else to pay purely because they’ve put asked me to come. A party or a function is different and would probably involve catering, but a restaurant meal is pay your own.

We pay for our adult child’s birthday meal when we all go out to celebrate and everyone else pays for themselves . We’ve always done this and I know most of my friends do too but our kids are young adults and working so they don’t mind and the wider family/friends we ask always expect to buy their meals .

Exactly

I think if you call people and say that you’d really like them to join you and although you know that as you are inviting them it is usual for you to pay but you just can’t afford it. So how would they feel about paying for their own meal.

Who is going to refuse?

To be honest until I started using MN, I had heard about this rule that if you invite people to a restaurant you pay the whole bill. I thought it only applied to the very wealthy. Maybe it does.

My social circle never expects their meal to be paid for by someone else regardless of who suggested getting together at a restaurant unless the person said it was their treat

I would never expect anybody to pay for me and my family to eat

Never been a thing I’ve come across either, the norm is to pay for yourself regardless of who invited who or what the occasion is

She can afford it! Read her post again!

But she can afford to pay. she needs to say that she can afford to pay but thinks that the money can be better spent elsewhere! Read her post again.

Before you invite, make expectations clear about paying for their own meals. Nothing wrong in asking people to pay for themselves but equally nothing wrong with telling DS sorry we can't afford to pay for everyone so it will just be us if DH wants to pick up everyone's tab. Also set expectations around a split bill or paying for what you eat and drink. Nothing worse than being invited somewhere then being not only expected to pay, but split the bill evenly when you haven't had 3 courses and ten tons of drinks.

If I'm invited for a meal out, I've always paid for myself and that is what I'd expect even if it's for someone's birthday.

But then I also don't know anyone who would be able to just drop £500+ on paying for everyone's food.

I think you should say you are going for a meal and they are welcome to join but everyone is paying their way.

Sorry OP @Sam9769 corrected me. I had assumed you couldn’t afford to spend the money on the other people’s meals and elsewhere.

Just ask them if they would mind paying for their own meals. Again, who is going to refuse? Surely people go to restaurants with friends and family to enjoy spending time enjoying a meal together, not for free food.

You can see there are mainly two camps of thought on this one. I wouldn't dream of inviting people out for dinner to celebrate a birthday and then expect them to pay. I'm asian though and this would be seen as tight. If I couldn't afford it I'd invite fewer people or do a party at home.

If I was invited out for a meal for someone's birthday, it wouldn't even occur to me that they were paying. I'm genuinely shocked at the amount of people on here that would expect you to pay! Send out an invite saying your son would love them to join in his celebrations but you fully appreciate that money is tight and understand if they can't make it due to costs. Its clear that you're not paying then

Sorry OP, I wouldn’t do this. My feeling is that if you are inviting people for your child’s birthday, you pay.

If you can’t afford to host everyone at the restaurant, then I’d just do your immediate family at the restaurant, and then have drinks and cake at your place with a larger group of family later. With some nibbles of course.