Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

You could just say that they are welcome to come but you won’t be able to foot the bill, at least they are invited but they know from the outset that you won’t be picking up the entire tab.

“hey we’re going out to dinner, would you like to join us? We can go Dutch on the bill, hope you can make it “

If you are asking them to pay you aren´t "inviting them". If you invite me, you pay for me. You would be meeting up at a restaurant for a meal, each to pay their own.

If you can't afford to pay for the extended family, don't invite them.

You ask, you pick the venue - you pay. I could never ask people and not pay for them all. If money is a problem, why not pick a venue/pub with a room and have a buffet? I did that for my son's 18th with family. We had the lounge and they put on a lovely buffet. Tea and coffee included, but alcohol not in the deal - so those that wanted any paid for their own

If I was invited out I’d never expect the host to pay for me. I’d be chuffed if they bought the first drink but I certainly wouldn’t expect it, it would just be a nice surprise.

If I was ever invited out for a meal with family I'd never assume they were paying at all. I'd always assume I was paying for my own meal. It is difficult though as others have other ideas. Its really tricky to ask my SIL if she wants to go to anything like a show, concert and so on as she always assumes we'll be paying for her so we end up not asking her then she's miffed we didn't invite her!

Not at all,I'd say we are going to such and such pub to celebrate DS 18th birthday..love for you to come celebrate with us if you wish..everyone pays for themselves..see you there on ..put the date and see who comes,sod this paying for everyone in this day and age ..xx

Literally the only events I would not expect to pay for dinner are a large wedding (and if it was a tiny registry office wedding and a let’s go for dinner with a select few afterwards type affair I would be prepared/expect to pay for myself) or if it was an event put on through work (I mean official big company events not colleagues deciding to get together informally). Any other occasion I’d assume I was paying for myself, regardless of occasion.

I think if you are hosting a party, you pay. You choose a party that fits your budget. If you can't afford to (or are too tight to) pay for an evening meal out with wine etc, then you choose a cheaper option, such as a BBQ at home, drinks only or a cheaper meal e.g breakfast or brunch.

Isn't the whole point of big family gatherings is that you get to mingle and chat with Great Aunt Freda who you haven't seen for years, much easier with a buffet type meal. I've also found that large groups in restaurants, all ordering different things, invariably means the food won't be very good, the kitchen is not set up to do lots of different dishes and serve them all at once, add in the people who will have forgotten what they ordered, then just wait until the bill arrives - "who had the duck? Or the starting question "are we splitting the bill?" if the answer is yes that's the person who will order the lobster, and then at the end everybody has chipped in and the pot will still be short. If everybody is going to order and pay for their own food, the place to go is Nandos, but you won't all get served at the same time. edited -spelling

So you call going for a meal a party?

This is a reasonable question and I do think as long is the inviter is clear then that is fine.

It just isn't what I or my friends do. There is a cultural element too I think where Northern Europeans are more inclined to expect their guests to pay for themselves.

There is also the question of a gift. Some posters are making odd claims about social etiquette here, but I find it beyond crass to invite, ask them to pay for themselves, and also expect a gift. I assume the OP will be wanting her son to receive gifts.

In any case, we all clearly have two different sets of experiences and viewpoints on this. If I couldn't afford to pay for everyone out, I would invite them home. I do understand not everyone can do that either, which is fine as long as expectations are made clear.

Though this thread highlights that some people are confused about the difference between suggesting others join for a meal etc vs inviting people to celebrate an occasion. If it the former, of course everyone pays for themselves!!

I agree with you here, I think as long as invite is clear it’s fine to have eveyone pay themselves, but it’s beyond crass to then expect people to pony up a present as well.

i can’t decide if the op can’t actually afford it and needs to be careful of she just doesn’t want to pay thay much for her sons birthday, the way the op is written it seems it’s the latter she can afford she just doesn’t want to spend it on her kids 18th. She’s also not coming back

I have read your posts and you seem to be very rigid in your thinking around this.

Perhaps just accept those who send out invitations, inviting someone to celebrate with them, in whichever form that is, pays for the invited.

It is what that poster does, it is also what I do. You do things differently, that is fine. But a menu with numbers on and a buffet has the same intention.

It is only people's complexes seeing it differently.

I think if you invite them you should pay for them. But you can go out for dinner with just your son, make memories of this special moment. And then invite the family to your house for a drink and some nibbles.

I can just imagine people on mumsnet sending written hand delivered invitations. You are cordially invited to celebrate the 18th birthday of Augustus on the 22nd June at wetherspoons. Black tie preferred.

It's not unreasonable but in that situation I'd pay as you would supply the food for a party. Would the guests be buying a reasonable gift?

My DS turns 18 this summer and we also had the same predicament so we are going to host a bbq or lunch of some sort at home. I just don’t think I could face asking people to pay.

I would hope so its his 18th. Not everything has to be transactional. Would you only buy someone a gift if they bought you a meal first

You can't expect people to pay for themselves! Don't be tight, your son is only 18 once!

Oh and then we’ll take my DS out for lunch on his birthday, just us and his siblings.

Gosh I'm so surprised people expect you to pay! It definitely does not work like that with our families & friends. We get asked 'we're having a meal out for niece's 18th & a game of bowling let us know if you want to join us' & we decide if we can go or not & always pay for ourselves. I've never expected anyone to pay for us, ever!

Ive never had to have this conversation once in my whole nearly 40 years of life. People always just pay. The only thing that may be discussed at the end is chucking a bit of money in to pay for the birthday persons meal.

Cant you just say "we are going out to this place to mark dds 18th. If youd like to join the dinner let us know. Celebration drink is on us." Casual? Not a party.

Was about to say exactly this. A small family gathering at home would be lovely & then go out for the meal with just you guys. Maybe you could see if your son fancies a theme for the party.