Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Even if it’s a celebration dinner? You would be effectively hosting/throwing a party. But it’s a dinner.

Because the guests are there at your instigation and to celebrate an event for your kid it feels wrong to make them pay.

We have a wider family party at home for 18ths. . Also better for mingling than all sitting still and more private for speeches etc.

If you do insist on making your guests pay you should at least buy all the drinks.

On a normal night out i would pay my share no problem but in these circumstances I would assume the host would be paying. When we went out for my husbands 40th I paid the entire bill.

Because at a wedding you don't get a menu with a price list next to it that you can pick what you want from and a bill at the end.

In many ways you do. Transport to get there, cost of staying overnight if it’s particularly far away, the cost of a wedding gift.

People saying you need to pay really must run in different circles.

Pay for yourself unless people have offered to pay for you.

that sounds quite complicated!

in my opinion, the polite thing to do when invited for a meal is to assume you are paying for yourself unless and until the host pays “insists” on paying at the end.

But OP can afford it. She is being tight.

You would make your own way there and pay for a gift for a birthday party too.

It's tricky because there is no right answer, it completely depends on norms within your family or social circle (despite how confidently some pp are that only their way is correct).

One half of my family is very much in the camp of whoever extends the invitation pays. The other always split the bill regardless.

If you can't afford to pay, just make it clear when you invite them. They can choose not to come if they're unhappy paying their way.

Interesting, so if a 18th was held in a private dining room of a restaurant, with a pre determined menu, and no bill at the end then you wouldn't expect to pay.

If a small wedding celebration was held in a restaurant and you could pick from the a la carter menu, you would expect to pay.

So nothing to do with the event or a principle really, just whether a bill is produced and the degree of choice offered.

So its a quid quo pro scenario. So if you don't have to travel or stay over for the wedding you whip the cheque book out?

If you buy an 18th birthday present and have had to travel far to the location, what, you decline to contribute your share.

Seems so transactional

I’ve never had my meal paid for, except when out with my parents. I always go to birthday meals expecting to pay for myself and my family so I don’t think you’re unreasonable - you just need to make it clear so there’s no resentment when the bill comes.

Like others said, a sweet gesture would be for you to pay for a round of puddings

Perhaps it depends on what social class you’re used to. I grew up in a lower middle class family/area. People had mortgages and jobs, but were by no means wealthy. So I’ve grown up never expecting those around me to pay for me, I had a job from 15 and have been very independent from then.

In my world, it’s very normal to turn up to a wedding with a gift. But also very normal to pay for myself at a milestone meal. They’re not the same thing to me at all.

That's the question. What is it about them that means your expectations around them are polar opposites?

Yes its the difference between going out for a meal in a pub/restaurant and going to a private event/party

Its not a birthday party its going out for a meal

Completely illogical. It makes no sense at all.

Of course it makes sense you don't seem to understand the difference between going to a party and just going out for a meal

The difference is what you call it. It makes zero sense.

I wonder if it's social circles or the area you live in that makes such a difference in this type of thing. I would never assume someone else is paying for me! Where I'm from the birthday person would never pay, everyone else pays for themselves and all chip in a bit for the birthday girl/boy.

I don't know how to explain it any clearer as it makes perfect sense to me and everyone i have ever met.

Barbecue at home. Loads of food and drink for a couple of hundred quid. A whole day of fun, so much better than being in a restaurant you can't really afford for a few hours.

They mean if you go to a party at someone's house they obviously pay for everything. Going OUT for a meal, it's normal for people to pay for themselves.
There are people on MN who ask for money when hosting at home, but I've never encountered that in real life.