Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

No-one in my family could possibly afford to be so generous. Do you think we shouldn't all get together to celebrate and enjoy each other's company?

And would he argue that people who couldn't afford to host a big group should have to 'invite people home for cake' because they're too poor to go out, as MNers here are arguing?

This. Or even bring a dish. Then go out with a smaller group

😂😂😂

Probably, he thought the consequence of hosting a celebration is footing the bill. That’s not the issue though, you appear to think being generous with hospitality is rooted in class. It isn’t.

When I was invited , with about 10 other people, to my DGS 18th last year , it didn’t occur to me that I wouldn’t be paying for my own meal .
my DS is not poor but he also isn’t rich and it would be ridiculous for anyone to expect that he would pay for 14 expensive meals .
I think you should have a word with your in laws explaining that it would be best if everyone paid their own bill or, if the bill was split between the adults present .

If we are going out for a meal to celebrate anything except a wedding, we fully expect and are happy to pay for ourselves.

Same! I find it quite baffling tbh. I just can’t imagine it.

No but id be suprised as that has never happened before with anyone I've ever been out with before.

It’s quite normal in my circles, I’ve done it when out with friends I wanted to treat and friends have done it for me. Generosity is something I value both extending it and being on the receiving end of others generosity.

YABU

If you can’t afford the outing then eat at home or just your immediate family

Have a lovely day.

Also same. I take it as they are asking if I’d like to join them not that they’re offering to pay.

Its not in my circles. I find it nicer for everyone to have the opportunity to celebrate their birthday however they choose without worrying about their bank balance. Id hate for a friend or family member to not be able to celebrate their birthday because they where worrying about paying for me and others

Whereas I think it’s nice for people to be able to celebrate my birthday with me without it costing them anything. Fortunately most people I know have the same approach.

I’ve been on endless family meals and have always paid for myself, I wouldn’t dream of expecting it to be paid for. Take no notice of anyone saying otherwise.

Very working class Londoner here and it’s very standard for me to go to a meal and know I am expected to pay for myself. I’ve been to a few where I’ve been told that it is being paid for but that’s quite rare.

In this day and age, every one is struggling and everyone is looking to save a quid or three

My local restaurant / bar will do a 3 course meal for £25 a head if it's before 7pm and it's 20 or more. Means they get bums on seats, staff are being utilised, and they have the tables free for peak times.

At the moment the place is heaving with communions, and there was even a wedding there yesterday

That may be something to go ask for ? Believe me , if its an independent , they are open to doing a deal

Other options is pay for a 2 course per person - starter OR dessert and tell everyone its their own bar bill

Or another option, our local has music FOC at night and on some daytimes, order a buffet for when food service ends - you get good seats and free entertainment for as little as £15 a head - drinks extra

There is a much better solution to this; ask everyone over to yours and cater/host within your budget.

Then take out the DC with your DH for a meal out (treat) later that week

everyone happy, and no worries about uncle Roger ordering double whiskeys etc on your tab

Same! Ive been to various meals out for birthdays: Never expected to not pay for my meal. I booked a meal with mates for both 30th and my 40th everyone paid theirselves. If anything we buy the birthday person a drink maybe.

Most of my friends earn minimum wage or say under 50k. So none of us could afford to pay for everyone even if we wanted to.

If it was an invite to a party i’d expect buffet food/party snacks. Maybe a glass of fizz for toast.

Surprised by people saying that you should pay. I’ve literally never know anyone do this ever when a large party is involved. If it’s a kids party and you’re inviting children, then yes you pay, but adults are perfectly capable of paying for their own food! Would be seriously cheeky to expect you to pay for them!

I would never invite people out to celebrate 🍾 and ask them to pay . I get if they organised the meal and said we are taking son out but no, they will arrive with gifts too. I would have something at home if I couldn’t afford to pay.

If you INVITE people, you pay.

If you suggest they join you, sending them a copy of the menus and make clear they are expected to pay but it's awkward.

As above, why not inviting them at home, even a buffet or something casual, and keep the restaurant for a very intimate group

Meh to paying for everyone! "Dear Auntie Mildred, Nanny, Uncle George, Bob the builder.....it's Timmy's 18th Birthday on the 37th and we'd like to invite you to celebrate with us at.......Meals there will cost you around £1000 per head. Well completely understand if you can't come due to the cost"
I've just been to a 60th where we paid for our own meal

For those used to paying their own way when invited to milestone individual celebrations, what's different about weddings, or do you expect to pay for those too?