Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

I would be expecting to pay for my own meal, bit entitled to think host will pay.

You invite then you pay.

When I can afford to go out for a meal, I wouldn't chose to go with my18 year old nephew. On the rare occasions I can afford a meal out I want to go where I choose and with DH. So I would expect you to pay for me if you ask me to spend my time with DN in that way. Id be cross if you expected me to pay for myself as you would be making me miss something I would prefer to do as chances are I wouldn't be able to afford both.

But its not about you being happy to pay for it i wouldn't be happy to order it

But the whole definition of a host is that they do pay. Otherwise it's just a joint event.

Even if the host was having it? It’s really up them, isn’t it? I’d say “I’m having a starter/steak/a pudding who else wants one?”

In my family/friends circle, we all pay for our own meals, even for birthdays.

If yours is not this way, however, I would just explain in advance - "Hi, we're planning to go to XXX for DS's birthday on X date. We can't pay for everyone unfortunately, but here is the menu so you can check meal options/prices. Let me know if you'd like to come along!"

We had the same dilemma for my son's 18th. The restaurant required a £10pp deposit, so we paid this and everyone else paid their share of the balance. Our family were very understanding and we had to insist that we were paying the deposit as they were happy to pay in full for themselves!

For my dds 18th that's exactly what we did, we worded the text invite like this.....

Once we know where we are going, I'll forward the menu and you may need to pre order and pay for your meals ahead of time.

That left no doubt from the outset that we expected everyone to pay for their own meal and if they didn't want to pay they could decline the invite.

I think for his 18th you should foot the bill. I know you said money could be better spent elsewhere but in this instance I think you should swallow it

No i don't want people wasting their money on me. I have my own money. I'd just be happy to be invited and that the birthday person wanted to share their special day with me. They don't need to pay me to spend time with them

It’s completely ok to ask people to pay for their own food as long as it’s clear what happening. I’d phrase the invitation carefully. I would say that you are going out for Dads birthday and want to know if people want to join you. Maybe it be nice if you could provide the cake? Also think about where you want to go. You can order your food on apps in plenty of places which would make it easy for everyone.
Im always happy to pay for me and my family, what I don’t like is being unsure what the arrangements for paying are.

You have a profound misunderstanding of what hospitality is all about.

I think this is perfect you can't be any fairer then that

No i don't a party absolutely host pays for the buffet. Going out for a meal no pay for your own

Different people and different scenarios. What I did for DH's birthday was so that people who came wouldn't order what we couldn't afford and were there just to celebrate DH's significant birthday. They were all so considerate of their own costs that we could afford to fund the celebration.

So if it’s a buffet they’re not paying you to spend time with them but if you sit down in a restaurant they are? Make it make sense.

Sorry I think you're being tight OP. It's your son's 18th and you can afford it so just suck it up and pay or invite fewer people that you are happy to pay for. I've seen so many threads on Mumsnet about people basically wanting parties to celebrate their birthdays (or their kids') but don't want to pay for it.

If I invited you it would be because you were important to me and/or my loved ones, it wouldn’t be a waste of money to invite you to celebrate with us.

So what if you couldn't afford it and I was happy to pay for my own food as I just wanted to spend time with the birthday boy/girl would i not be invited as thats what some people are suggesting

You don't seem to understand the difference between throwing a party and meeting people in a pub/ restaurant for a meal

So would you make a fuss if the host took the bill and paid it at the end of the meal which is usually what happens in this situation?

I agree.why not do a cake something simple at home. Then you and your husband take your son out to eat.

Because they want to go out!
And they can! 90% of the population shouldn't be banned from going out to eat with friends because of some old fashioned upper class ideas about paying for everyone.

Upper class! My dad was as working class as they come and he’d fight you for the bill.