AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

You chose not to work!

You sound like you are getting in your own way.

You are undervaluing your contribution, homemaker and carer and seeing it just as £’s.

You know the expression those that don’t ask, don’t get.

Have you actually articulated you want new clothes, a bra that fits, a trip to the hairdresser or are you really expecting your DH to work it out without any clues from you. None of this is unreasonable.

Don’t be a helpless victim. You aren’t. You are just stuck in a rut. So step into the light and feel good about yourself again.

First task - speak to your husband.

Equally don’t write off working full time without even exploring options. Don’t get in your way!

good luck OP

They probably do when it’s a department store, but he’s getting fed up of her never buying anything so sees it as a waste of time. When he says “we should look for you” I expect, because he’s a man, that he means “shout out when you see a shop you want to go into, and I’ll do the same when I see a shop.” But she doesn’t say anything, so they only go into his shops.

I wouldn’t bother trying to guess what shops she wanted either. She’s an adult. She is allowed to spend the money. She’s been told to go and choose some clothes. But she doesn’t, or she sort of looks and then says “no, it’s not in the sale” because she wants him to fawn and say “that doesn’t matter, let’s buy it” but he doesn’t need anyone to say that for him so he isn’t going to say it for her. When she says no, he hears no and moves on. And she won’t choose a shop and say “let’s go here” so they don’t go to any she wants.

This is her issue.

@centsandcentsilbilty You clearly have internet access. Go and order some clothes now. Today.

I think you need to take his behaviour as leading by example. You're both shopping and he is obviously going to pick for himself and you're meant to pick for yourself. Relying on your husband to shop for you is always disappointing one, even where they're enthusiastic about it everything they pick is nonsensical or doesn't go together. Just follow his lead and pick up what you like.

Totally get it, totally fine to feel how you feel, but you DO deserve to feel good and have nice things.

Wonder if you can start small(ish). Tell yourself for June you want and deserve a haircut and a (few?)summer dresses / tops etc that fit well and make you feel good.

As you have access to the family account you’ll know that a (couple?) hundred £ is readily available. Do you have a friend who might enjoy a little treat day with you with a hand massage and a cocktail say? Having that as a commitment and saying it out loud means you, your DH and your buddy are bound to make it happen.

Enjoy!

Also write a list of what you actually need.

2 x Bras - need to go , if nothing there Y
10 pairs of pants
2 pairs of jeans
3 x t-Shirts
1 x going out top
2 x summer dress
1 x summer jacket.

Give him the list and say when can we go shopping for me to get these.

I really hope he’s embarrassed to be confronted that you need basic stuff.

I think you should show your husband this thread. There’s every chance he thinks that if you wanted the clothes or the haircut or whatever, you’d get them.

Have you considered a personal shopper appointment? It would help you find your style now, even if you didn’t buy everything. You’d be more able to look for what suits, and build up gradually.

If buying designer labels is a step too far in terms of being able to spend on yourself, then please, please pop into some more mid-priced high street brands and buy at full price.

You’re worth it, @centsandcentsilbilty

Take things step by step- make a hairdressers appointment first! That will give you confidence,

I wish I could be a martyr like you OP.

Would it help you to buy a few things online first. You could start off cheap and cheerful. A few summer dresses or whatever that fit you. To be honest, even if the fit isn't quite right, it's surely better than wearing things 5 sizes too big.

I think you have such low esteem at the moment, you feel the need for your husband to almost rescue you in the shops by saying , "oh that's lovely. Go try it on" or "you should buy that" or something but you're kind of dismissing the clothes while still expecting him to, I dunno, insist you get it almost. I know when I went shopping with my husband, if I said "oh I like this but it's not in the sale" he would assume I didn't like it enough to pay full price.

But at the moment, if you're dressed like someone who doesn't care, I think only you can fix that.

When my husband was the SAHP it was because it was best for the family. Joint accounts, he bought what he wanted. He didn’t have to ask permission, I didn’t see it as my money just because I went out of the house to earn it. We didn’t top up pension that’s my only regret, but we weren’t well off, we just needed a parent at home for a few years.

Go back by yourself and get the piece of clothing that you liked. Try it on and see how much better you’ll look and feel. It’s shocking that you’re having to wear clothes five sizes too big. Please find your voice.

Say to your husband you want to buy a fresh wardrobe and get your hair restyled. It will cost say 750 quid. Then together look at where you can pull that money from.
I am the same, I don't buy myself anything, moan about it and even things like fruit I will earmark for the kids and not eat any of the fresh strawberrys myself. In the end its my fault. I bought myself shoes that were a tenner from sainsburys the other day while DH purchased some lacost sneakers. I was really pissed off. I then decded I would have some nice trainers and got some from Hobbs and the world didnt end. You have to look at your joint finances and explain that you need a bit of a budget to shop for yourself. It sounds like your DH will be fine with this but just doesnt know what you actually need. Find a chuck of money out of joint finances and buy a new wardrobe. It sounds like you have it between you, just need to find it

I don't understand why you talk about shopping whist your away and with dh.
You don't work, your kids are grown up, why don't you just take yourself out for the day and go clothes shopping alone during the week?
If I go clothes shopping with dh I struggle to buy anything as I hate having someone hovering

It sounds like he is used to asserting his preferences, and so does this, and you're not, and end up putting other people first, and because you're not with someone who has the same thought process as you this means that you both end up going into shops that he wants. Its interesting that your first reaction is wanting him to change and insist on going somewhere he thinks you might want, rather than asserting your own preferences and wants ('actually love, we've been in 3 shops / bought 5 things for you and nothing for me, so I'd like to go into x shops until I find something). And this is extending to solo shopping trips as well, even when you don't have competing needs here.

I do think this is a woman thing, we are raised to be like this, but men aren't and that can mean we get walked over in lots of ways (eg you serve others the nicer bit of food before you serve yourself, but the person you're with will routinely serve themselves the nicest bit first too, so you lose out all the time).

Sometimes it's a case of thr husband being a twat (I work so I get to choose / deserve more). Other times, and hopefully in this case, I think that its a case of your husband assumes that you'll be comfortable putting yourself first sometimes and telling him what you need. I know you've spoken to him about it but it's probably quite hard for him to understand...it's quite a difficult concept (I want an outfit, snd I want you to come shopping with me to buy it, and when I don't speak up I want you to understand that my silence is not me not wanting clothes, I actually want you to insist on coming into shops with me and don't leave til I've bought some stuff even if I seem worried it's too expensive'). A lot of people would assume if you don't clearly say you want x in the moment, that you don't want x.

Do him the courtesy of taking what he says (that he is happy for you to spend on yourself) at fave value, and be upfront about what you want with him.

It might also help if can sit down and work out budgets for personal spends each and put this in your respective personal accounts, and keep everything for joint spends (household, kids, family meals out etc) separate and in the joint account. As this might feel more like your personal money, and you will be confident that he is happy for you to spend it before you buy stuff. It will also confirm what his true attitude to money is (if he thinks he should have a bigger spending pot for example). It might also help you with feeling like you should be sacrificing stuff for the children, if it's in a personal spends account

Edited to say that I've given him the benefit if the doubt here as to some extent it all depends on finances. If for example you have £200 left over after bills and essentials every month and he says he is happy for you to buy stuff but regularly blows the entire £200 on himself, meaning there is actually no money left for you without the family suffering in some way, then his words clearly don't match his actions and your fear of spending is likley caused by his selfishness

I am sorry but this sounds really lame.
Why does OP need to give her husband a list and ask when they can do shopping for these?

Just go shopping herself or, if they go together, then simply say I have a list of items to buy and peel off and get them.

Changing my vote to YABU because this is self inflicted and you’re being a bit of a martyr about it.

I do feel there's learned helplessness at play. OP wants her husband to take her around the shops. She feels unable to do it herself. So you've got martyrdom and learned helplessness and passivity. That has not and will not serve her well.

But there's something else going on. She's wearing clothes that are way, way too big for her. She has to have a belt holding up her pants. And her husband and kids are completely oblivious to someone who is obviously struggling with something? I don't know of anyone who wouldn't say something, like hey, your clothes are falling off you, you need to go get some stuff that fits or the kids saying something. So they're either oblivious, or don't care or are tired of trying to say anything about it.

Definitely do NOT do this OP.
It doesn’t seem like your DH is at fault at all. Surely you’re not expecting him to go out and buy you new clothes, it is up to you to do so. You are the one holding yourself back. As PP have said, book that hair appointment and head down to Primark/supermarket for some new basics that fit.

when I point it out my husband says it should change but doesn’t do anything to change it, so then I think ‘well that’s what I deserve’ !

This has really annoyed me.

Your poor DH has worked FT and supported you and your kids, to enable you to not work for years so that you can stay home with your kids.
I’m sure he would have loved to do less hours and have more free time but he didn’t, purely because of how much love he had for you.

Yet you repay him by moaning about your life and lack of nice clothes and are blaming him for not doing anything about it!!

I actually can’t believe what I’m reading.
You’re an adult. He can’t force you to buy new clothes and he shouldn’t be buying you gift cards or encouraging you to buy things.

I understand being a ‘martyr’ and having to watch the pennies and it’s hard to get out of that mindset but it’s very unfair to blame the person who you owe your entire lifestyle to.

Next Saturday, go on a shopping day by yourself and get yourself at least 2 new outfits.
You can look online as well.

Hi op well done on your weight loss I suggest you say to your dh I need new clothes and a haircut so I will be doing this from the joint account . Op you don’t ask you tell him. You have got to the stage where you don’t know your worth and thinking you don’t deserve nice things just because you work part time. I suggest you go alone and buy what you need don’t think of the cost think of the years you have saved your household money. If dh gets designer clothes then you are financially able to get nice things for you. Not sale items. Your dh is not stopping you but you are. Stop treating the rest of the family with your wages start treating yourself. Look how long you have gone without and now take what you’re owed. Please don’t treat yourself like Cinderella.

No-one is going to buy clothes, or book a haircut for you. You need to take ownership and do it for yourself.

Could you go shopping on your own, or with a friend? Or just speak up while you’re out with DH and say let’s look in here for me? If I’m out shopping with DH I will naturally suggest the shops I’m interested in, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him or wouldn’t be happy to go into any shops that he suggested!

It sounds as though you’ve done an amazing job losing weight - you deserve to buy yourself clothes that fit, you will feel so much better about yourself.

I agree, she’s literally a grown adult and posters are saying to give him a list of items for him to buy, to ask him when they can go shopping or that he should be telling her to buy new clothes.

She’s not a child.
As @outerspacepotato said - So you've got martyrdom and learned helplessness and passivity.

OP needs to start becoming more independent.
She needs to figure out what day is best for her, get in the car and go shopping.

I don’t understand why she’s saying he’s not doing anything - she’s the only one who has to do anything.

Honestly this OP. He makes all the money and is happy for you to spend it as you like but because he doesn’t physically wrestle you to the ladies dept or give you gift cards you act like he’s cruel to you.

I think some comments on here are a tad harsh on the OP. I suffered very low confidence in the past due to being in an abusive relationship for years.
In the shopping scenario though my now(2nd and lovely) DH would definitely be more encouraging of me not putting the item back and certainly if l then went to the sale rail instead and found nothing lm sure he would say , why don't you go back and get that other( full price ) item then .