AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

You've got a form of learned helplessness going on. You feel you need your husband's permission to spend joint funds on yourself. He's told you to go buy stuff. But you need more from him. Do you want him to escort you around the stores?

You're walking around stores in clothes 5 sizes too large held up by a belt while your husband is buying designer clothes there. And this is your choice.

Martyrdom is not pleasant for those around it. The martyr doesn't get rewarded for being a martyr. They're actually a pain in the ass.

So go get the haircut and buy some clothes that fit. If you can't do that, therapy.

He'd probably love you to freshen up but doesn't like to say anything. Why not set a budget for a decent haircut, some new makeup and two new summer outfits, and surprise him.

Nobody can make you value yourself. If it was that easy, low self confidence or low self-esteem would not exist, because it could be erradicated by someone close saying 'you are worthy'. Without realising it you are perpetuating the problem with this mindset. You are effectively saying that you will be able to address your issues, as long as someone else - husband- validates your feelings first. If he doesn't 'see' you, you then have the perfect excuse to carry on as you are, to not make changes and not address your issues.

I just couldn’t imagine wanting to go shopping with a bloke.

Pick that phone up and message one of your female friends or your daughter (if you have one) and plan a lovely ladies day out. Shopping first for a new outfit, then a nice coffee and cake, then off to have your hair and nails done, then a lovely lunch, followed by a bit of shopping for perfume/make-up, then cocktails.

What exactly are you finding so funny about a woman who in one post states:

”[I] feel overlooked”

“I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less”

“[I’m] losing myself”

“[I’m] feeling crappy”

“[I] don’t feel confident enough to spend the money”

“I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more”

“I buy the bare minimum for myself”

”It hurts”

“my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve”

Meanwhile her husbands perspective/attitude is:

“always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in”

“my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter [to him]”

“my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes”

“my husband… do[esnt] notice or care”

meanwhile her husband is suiting himself buying designer gear.

It’s not about her being “helpless” it’s about the OP - for whatever reason - clearly struggling with feelings of inadequacy.

posters ridiculing her about him having to do things for her, take her shopping in the big town, stop being a martyr aren’t being helpful.

no one writes a post like this OP without feeling a deep seated sense of worthlessness.

its possible its entirely in her head, but as someone who has supported women who have suffered coercive control, these sorts of feelings rarely take hold to this degree within the parameters of a healthy loving relationship

You've got this back to front. The self worth comes firstly from you, not from someone else "seeing" you. That's why it's called self worth. You can't expect your husband to validate your existence. You're a person in your own right. Maybe you would benefit from some counselling. Do you ever do anything for yourself? Reading, exercise, any kind of treat just for you?

If you don't have access to the family money to buy yourself new clothes or go for a haircut then that is the problem and you need to sort that out and there is something very off about your dh not recognising that you need independent access to money.

Otherwise the problem lies with you. Go shopping. Get a haircut. Ask yourself why you need permission from him to do so when you actually don't. Maybe talk to a therapist for a bit. Of course the man isn't going to say "yeah your clothes suck and your hair could use a cut" not if he has any sense. You need to work on your own sense of self-esteem and the value you put on yourself because no one will solve that for you - you have to do it.

You aren't placing any financial value on your cooking, cleaning etc. Would it maybe help to look up average housekeeping/chef salaries in the UK and add that to the amount you earn part time? And back date it, adding on childcare fees etc? Because you've saved your family a huge amount of money. If you weren't there, in order to stay in the same career your husband would have forked out quite a bit by now. Don't undervalue yourself.

Eta or he would have had to do all the housework, admin, cooking etc himself. I suspect he may have at least forked out for a cleaner and childcare.

You’re doing this to yourself. You’re out shopping, he is getting stuff for himself and tells you to go and get stuff and you just… don’t. No one is overlooking you. It sounds like you want him to walk behind you fawning over everything you choose. He isn’t going to do that; he is shopping. So you go and sort yourself out. It’s not that hard.

Get a proper job! If your kids are adults, there is no reason for you to be at home. I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable spending money on yourself, it would be odd if you didn't given you haven't earned any of it.

Double post

It sounds like you have issues going back to your childhood/your parents' dynamic.

You don't need your dh with you to go shopping. Just go. Next weekend. Book yourself in for a hair cut and colour and blow dry. Also book a bra fitting.

Make a list of what clothes you need - as you have lost weight you basically need an entire new wardrobe. A couple of dresses, a few pairs of trousers, shirts, blouses, jacket etc. Ask ChatGPT to come up with an essential starter wardrobe that you can then build on over time. Online shopping is incredibly easy if you would prefer to try things on at home

OP I’m glad you came back to this post - I didn’t think you would, there have been some really nasty posts that show a complete failure of empathy.

Your posts raise a couple of red flags to me and it’s difficult to know to what extent of any your husband supports you.

How would he react if you went out this afternoon and spent £300 or whatever he spent on your last family trip? Are you able to gauge that? Or if you asked him for a budget to pick up some bits this afternoon.

Pick up more hours ASAP! Sort out your pension as a priority (then work on the clothes).

Discover online options like Shein and Temu. They are fast fashion, but for someone losing weight and going through sizes quickly, a godsend! Start with just a few items until you work out what your size is with them. Once that’s sorted you can reliably order sizes without a trip to town. Then buy without needing permission from DH.

Did I mention sort your pension?

once those are covered, also start a hobby or activity that’s just for you! Even better if it inconveniences the family a little. Something where a school pick up or cooking dinner will have to fall to DH each week. Start on little ways for him to be reminded of how much you do.

Then to be honest this sounds like a ‘you’ problem. Why are you martyring yourself? What would you like him to do, stand over you while you buy yourself stuff?

He seems to be repeatedly saying “get some clothes” and you keep refusing to choose any. He is buying his stuff - he isn’t going to follow you around waving clothes in your face to force you to get something. You’re the one not shopping. You’re the standing there like a lemon watching him shop. Why do you want everyone to stop what they’re doing and watch you choose something?

You say it’s happened so much that he has told you to shop for new clothes but you leave the shop empty handed so you don’t expect anything anymore… that is 100% your own fault. Literally no one is stopping you. You’re the one standing there refusing to shop then going home in a huff because no one bought you anything. Your husband manages to shop without you holding his hand. Why can’t you?

This is such a stupid non-issue. Go out, buy some clothes. No one is putting you last, no one is stopping you. Your husband is probably wondering what is wrong with you because you just stand about when everyone else can sort themselves.

Are you waiting for someone's permission to spend money on yourself?

And are you reluctant to ask for that permission? Do you want that person or persons to see that you wish to spend money on yourself, without you saying anything, and urge you to go ahead and do it?

If you keep telling them you're not worth it, they'll believe you.

It’s family money. He was able to concentrate on his career because she took care of all child and home duties. It is her money. She has earned it. Take your disgusting views elsewhere.

And once again you’re missing the key point of personal responsibility. Of her having full access to money, of her husband saying it needs to change etc, and you’re missing the only thing he’s not doing is buying her clothes, which is what she wants,

how you can encourage that and think you’re helping her is beyond me and every other poster.

It might not be what you or others do, but when we go shopping as in while on a weekend away to a city then yes we do shop together, we wonder round the racks and we’ll look at things and suggest things together, but for him and rarely for me. I should say let’s go to the ladies section but he will say while having coffee or something let’s look for you, but then will walk straight past and into a men’s shop again.
i see now that I need to speak up, and it’s not on him, but each time it happens I think that it’s because I don’t deserve it and my confidence takes another hit( that’s my thoughts, not his words) and I understand that is for me to change.

You’re an adult woman with a brain and a bank card. Jesus. Just go to the women’s section and buy some clothes. You need to grow up a bit here.

That’s completely different to what you said earlier, where you said you did go looking picked up something nice and then said it was not in the sale so you both went to look at that and you didn’t fancy anything,

it can’t be both, as now you’re saying you don’t go looking at the woman’s bit,

You need to reframe this. If you would only feel "confident" or "worthy" of buying something for yourself because he insisted on it then you'd actually be feeling neither. Go out and just do it, you'll absolutely feel better and it will genuinely grow your self worth /confidence rather than externalising it. I know you don't mean it that way but this over reliance on others and externalising the cure for everything to your partner is exhausting.

I disagree that it is not on him. I think that you have fallen into roles where he provides, and you don't feel worthy, and while he recognises that is wrong, it works in his favour, so he is not really motivated to change it. So you do need to be determined, and recognise your own worth first, to make that change. Hopefully he will then follow your lead. If you can work towards increasing your earning power I do think that would help too.

So you have access to family money, a husband who is on board with you buying things for yourself, yet when you go shopping you trail along with him and end up going to the men’s section? Clearly you have both got into the habit of the same shopping routine.

Next time, let him go to the men’s section and you go to the women’s and meet up 2 hours later.
Or, if you feel so out of the habit of buying for yourself, book an appointment with a stylist at a department shop and buy following their advice.

Don’t be passive in your life, expecting for things to happen to you.