AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

That’s crazy. You would potentially give up your chance of parenthood by waiting another 6 years for them to die?

I don’t think breed is irrelevant here although I also would never have gotten into a relationship with someone with dogs as I can’t stand them so I can sort of see both sides

I expect if the boyfriend was not used to dogs he wasn’t really aware of what living with them would entail and now he has found himself in a situation that is making him uncomfortable but doesn’t want to give up the relationship. I think this is quite normal for non-dog people, you don’t realise quite how dog-centric the dog person expects life to be until it’s already happening. BIL and gf got a dog and we were nice about it and showed an interest thinking there was no way it would really impact on us - then they are suddenly trying to bring it to Christmas. As a non-dog person this is not expected or normal and me and DH were both very wtf about it.

Thank you for completely proving my point!! 🙄Hence why we had a conversation about it before things got serious!! If one or other of had had your attitude then our relationship wouldn’t have worked!! 🙄

You mean he doesn't walk the dogs with you / for you
doesn't have them sitting on his knee / beside him on the sofa
doesn't pick up their poo in the garden / out on walks

no wonder one doesn't interact with him !

@Conchiglie

so she has to the one to cave in and sacrifice? And lose her dogs. Fuck that.

Sounds like he’s spent the years of your relationship trying to get you onside to rehome the dogs. Taking no interest and letting you do all the work, now using a potential baby as a reason. He’s hoping you’ll run out of fight eventually and come round to his way of thinking. It’s like when someone marries someone who doesn’t want kids thinking they can change their mind.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, and I think if you get rid of the dogs you’ll resent him and he will think he can win every argument from there on in because he was “right about the dogs in the end, wasn’t I?!”

Well this is a red flag / problem. What is he like with the rest of the household chores and mental load? Whose house is it? Does he do more household stuff as you spend a lot of time caring for the dogs - so that you both have the same amount of free time?

If he can't help you care for the dogs, is he likely to pull his weight when a baby arrives?

It's perfectly reasonable not to want to live with two large dogs, or any dogs, but you and your partner are clearly not well suited and he does not respect an agreement that has already been made, so the prospects for you happily raising children as a couple are not bright.

A couple of posters have mentioned breed.

What breed they are is completely irrelevant - he chose to move in with OP.
No one forced him to move in.

If he doesn’t like it or doesn’t want a baby with someone who has dogs, then he needs to be the one to move out.

So I know these are dogs, and not humans, but imagine for a second these were your children. Would you accept that behaviour towards them? Imagine how miserable they'd feel. Your poor dogs.

Completely untrue ridiculous statement

This man is throwing up major red flags. Do not have a baby with him! Go get therapy for yourselves to see how you got in this mess.

Having lived with cats for the whole of my 46 years I have never had an illness related to cats sleeping on the bed! However I have caught Covid twice from being in the hairdressers and innumerable illnesses from work so do you suggest that I avoid both of those scenarios too???

Get rid of him, keep the dogs.

I had two under two and five dogs at one point. I coped fine - and I'm nothing special. If I can do it, I think reasonable to assume most people can!

tbh he must have been bonkers to move in with you. It's on him. But don't have a child.

No you are not crazy dog person.

Take the dogs out of it.

He knew something about you was a constant, part of who you are and you made it clear that wouldnt change.

He accepted that.

Now he decides he doesnt like that about you and is grinding you down until you submit.

There will be the next thing, then the next, then the next.

Honestly, please pay attention to the big flashing warning signs he is giving you.

Or in 5 years youll be on here posting how he stops you going out, refuses DC to be vaccinated, or go to nursery, or "puts his foot down" on them having their first rabbit/gerbil/fish etc

If you loved me you'd get rid of the dogs because I want you to

If you loved me you wouldn't ask because I don't want to

It's not about the value of the dogs over a human. It's about the dogs being part of the package from the getgo as OP rightly says. DP is trying to move the goalposts. He is not even entertaining the compromise position of let's try it and see, which I think is generous of OP to even suggest as I think it leaves the door open for more emotional pressure being put on her when she is post partum and potentially more vulnerable.

I suppose you have to weigh up the resentment and regret of losing the dogs against your desire to have a baby. In theory you should be able to have both, in practice I don't think with this partner you will.

This whole thing just doesn't sound well thought through.
Presumably the dogs were allowed in the sitting room before he moved in? So that's already a big change for them & you, and now he's putting pressure on you to ditch them altogether. Was this even discussed before he moved in?
I would not try for a baby with someone to whom I was not married, because agreeing to become parents is a far bigger commitment to a person than marriage: you are literally combining your DNA with that person and creating a new human who will be half of each of you. Marriage is the legal framework that enables you to register themselves as a family unit, helps some things run a bit more smoothly, and provides a structure for the orderly dissolution of the relationship and allocation of shared assets if it breaks down.

TBF toddlers do bring lots of viruses and stuff into families, it's just that they're "normal" human infections so our bodies, and the health service, can cope with them.

Point being that the comparison doesn't really prove much. I love cats but ours brings mice into the house and I'm terrified of hantavirus (even from before the cruise ship outbreak) - if a toddler carried dead mice around I'd stop them!

But why should he? They are not his dogs!

Because the animals are innocent and as living creatures, they aren’t disposable.

I dont know why people would expect someone they purport to love to give up their pets. I would see it as a massive character flaw

My DH knew I wanted dogs from the get go. He did not. But he loves me unconditionally so supported it as he wanted me to be happy. He was even the one who found our dear dogs.

Sadly we have lost them both now so having a break - purely to focus on other things. But he knows that in the future there will be more dogs. He wants me to be happy.

He walks one while I walk the other, but only once per day. That's all he does. He also drives them to kennels with me but complains the drive is too long.

He is not a kind man. Massive red flag. Pressurising you into getting rid of much loved pets. 🚩

Whether or not someone likes/dislikes dogs & their willingness to care for or engage with them, has absolutely no whatsoever on their ability to be a parent!

Millions of people dislike dogs but are warm, loving parents.

I am guessing op that your partner noted that you didn't plan on more dogs after these & took the punt that he'd put up with them temporarily/wait out the natural course of things. If he loves you he may have seen that as a sacrifice he was willing to make to be with you.

However someone who generally isn't a dog fan absolutely isn't going to want to:

• step up and be more involved with the dogs because you have a baby
• probably have dogs at all around their baby (i certainly wouldn't).

@Forest28 Pregnancy and the resulting birth is the biggest danger point for domestic violence to appear in a relationship. This man is going back on what he was told and trying to pressure you into doing what he wants now. Now apply that to being vulnerable and dependent on him after a bad C section. Will he take the dogs to a rescue whilst you are in hospital because they weren't being looked after? A man who doesn't accept a prior existing commitment and tries to isolate their partner from it is usually seeing making it difficult for a woman to see her children or her parents. Yes, that is extrapolation but when someone shows you who they are you need to believe them. What he wants is more important than what you want. If he loved you that much he should be going with resigned acceptance. But he isn't is he? He is pushing.

You can write off my words as an hysterical Mumsnet all men are bastards posts, but I strongly suggest you get this sorted before you allow him to impregnate you. Nearly twenty years co parenting with a controlling man is a lot of punishment for hoping for the best.