AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

This nails it.

Looking forward, if you do get pregnant will he be willing to care for the dogs when you are newly post partum or will you have to do this as well as take care of a newborn? I suspect you will.

Also you mention they probably only have a few years left. Prepare to be pressured to PTS whenever any health issues arise - treatment 'too expensive', 'not worth it' etc. He will look for any opportunity to force the issue.

You will not get to enjoy the remainder of your pets' lives and they will live with someone who has no affection for them which is quite sad (for all 3 of you).

I’m sorry but that is awful. More fool him for doing it. The animals were there before you and the fact that he was prepared to rehome them because you were pregnant is horrible.

Pets don’t live as long as humans, that is true, but they live longer than many human relationships.

Having a pet is a commitment and to be prepared to get rid because their partner can’t accept a situation that has existed since before they were together isn’t a great character indicator for either person.

That’s really sad, poor dogs must be confused after having a loving secure home with you.

I'm not a massive fan of dogs myself.
However, they are a part of your family, just like my cats have always been to me.
I could never ever be with someone who expected me to get rid of a pet. To me, it'd be a fundamental misalignment of our values.
I'd also question whether he thinks children are equally expendable when you bore of them.
Get rid. You know who I mean.

All the more reason not to be so involved with this man. You need someone who will share the work fairly.

I’m sorry i know it’s hard to hear but I actually don’t think you’re compatible. Of course I’m not there to see your everyday relationship but his behaviour towards the dogs is unkind which to me sounds like a mean streak. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with this man.
You deserve better

Animals on the bed 🤢 Their paws have been everywhere and they haven't wiped their bums, and they have drool etc. Whatever mess and germs and poo they trot through outside is brought into your bed. Absolutely grim.

I’d rehome the partner before I rehomed my pets that were on the scene before him.
If he barely does anything with them now, he’s thinking he’s going to have to actually step up if there’s a baby in the mix too.

Wanting your dogs out of the room is out of order. I am not even a fan of dogs but I would look dimly on someone who expected it

I'm not going to get rid of the dogs. That's the problem. He's just on at me so much about it that I'm questioning whether I'm a crazy dog person and he's the reasonable one.

And they will add more work to the household together with a baby. He will have to step up because you might have to recover from birth or other complicaciones and you will need help. Don’t think you will be able to do it all by yourself. And you need someone who is willing to do that and accepts you with the full package. YANBU at all, but maybe he is not your person then? A baby really brings a lot of work and pressure into a relationship and not every couple is able to pass through that, and it sounds like he will be very resentful because of this in the future, and will use it as excuse every time when things get complicated. Ditch the partner, keep the dogs! And I know is not the best comparison, but there are many men that accept a woman with a couple of kids, and they can love then, why wouldn’t you find someone who can love your dogs as well? He is not the only option in the world.

I think you need to sit down and have a very clear conversation where you make absolutely certain he understands that you will never remove your two existing dogs. You should also be explicit as to your longer term/life expectations - eg if these dogs died would you get more?

To be honest im surprised he moved in with you. Im not a dog person, but im clear that means I wouldn't enter into a long term relationship with someone who either had dogs already or wanted them.

Rehome the boyfriend. Not joking. No idea how he could even suggest this, does it not turn you off him?

Yanbu.
I'm a dog woman too, always have been, always will be and if a partner didnt want me dogs then he couldn't want me. For some us it's just part of who we are.

One of my friends had this scenario where her boyfriend said its me or the dog and she binned the boyfriend and never looked back and is happily settled down now with a partner and daughter (and dogs).

You love your dogs; he doesn’t. You’re not wrong; neither is he. You don’t want things to change; he does. I can’t see how you square this circle on such a crucial issue and so I think you’re going to have to move on.

He’s not reasonable at all. You and your dogs deserve someone that isn’t that cold hearted

Thats not what’s on offer.

Best to agree pre child.

I understand both sides.

The my dogs are my babies crew will have strong opinions.

Animals are not humans. Majority of humans don’t want them in their homes.

I have animals and care for them but I don’t prioritise them over humans I love.

Cleaner than the average toddler 🤷‍♀️

Please read what everyone has said and know that you and your dogs are not the red flag. Is he really worth all this mental anguish when you could be sitting relaxing in the lounge with the dogs. Life is hard enough without adding an extra unnecessary layer of stress.

Have you clearly told him that it’s not up for discussion? If so and he’s still pushing it I’d finish the relationship.

So why have you not got rid of him then?

Do you think it’s healthy that he’s on at you so much about it?

What if he didn’t want you having a relationship with your mum and kept on about it?

There isn't really an issue with him not liking the dogs. Not everyone is an animal lover.

But you absolutely cannot just try to have a baby with this man.

This is a huge issue and you are absolutely not compatible at all.

Dogs stay pretty much dependent on you for their whole lives. They become somewhat less dependent on you between puppy and adulthood but they don't have school, have no free medical care and rely on you for their entire mental and physical stimulation to varying degrees.

People are often more tolerant of absolutely crazy behaviour in dogs than children. Few people let their child run up to you, jump on you and lick you all while claiming that this is a reasonable way to greet you.

You only have look at the voting stats to tell you who's the reasonable one.