AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

If he doesn't like dogs im surprised he's even willing to walk one every day for you!

But it is clear that this isn't the right relationship to bring a baby into.
I agree that pets are often a deal breaker and neither of your views are compatible with each other.

I agree that TTC with this man is a bad idea. You need someone who loves dogs as much as you do, especially when there is a baby in the mix. You will need someone to walk them, clean up after them etc when you are recovering from the birth, for example.

The number is in OP
Breed is irrelevant
Being an owner of dogs is who she is.
That was made clear from the start.

I wouldn’t even begin to entertain a man like this! I wouldn’t even keep them out of the lounge. Any man who suggested I rehome them better be able to move fast, because my toe would be firmly up his arse and he’d be jettisoned from my life and my home with immediate effect.
For context, I have way more dogs than you op. He isn’t the man for you. Please don’t have children with him.

Neither of you are wrong for wanting or not wanting pets. You are just not compatible and bringing a baby into that would be an absolute shitshow particularly so soon in a relationship

Absolutely agree. Newborn babies are a huge amount of work and bring so much change, most of which nobody expects. The dogs, for him, would bring even greater problems than he feels now. It sounds like OP spends a lot of time caring for her dogs and the fact is a newborn can take up your whole 24 hours and the dogs will get way less attention and op may feel guilty and expect him to step in with the dogs which he doesn't want to because he's already fed up with them.

Maybe there are people out there who had a smooth ride of managing baby's and doggies needs but I've seen the chaos that can ensue when it becomes unmanageable.

Im going to challenge
"He would be a great dad"

A. You dont know that. In reality some of the women most vocal about their partners future greatness has been bitterly disappointed

B. He is jealous of the limited attention you give your dogs. The baby is just a new argument to crowbar them out.

Honestly how much is he going to enjoy your undivided attention going to a child.

My attention was partially divided for months after both. You are constantly listening out woth one ear and lack of sleep means you attention is poor.

I can't stand peanut butter but I wouldn't expect my bloke to stop eating it for me. A flippant example but the principle is the same. He's trying to manipulate her into rehousing the dogs exerting pressure. This isn't bout his non dog love, it's about him dominating. The only patting them when she's looking would be enough to turn me off. He sounds a right wuss. No wonder some women prefer to share their beds with dogs with blokes like him out there.

He should have been straight with you from the start. I wouldnt live in a house with a dog never mind two dogs. I don't even like visiting people with dogs. I'm on tenterhooks all the time. I dont think it would be wise to bring a baby into this set-up.

What worries me is that he can ask you to toss aside something that you fundamentally love. If he truly loves you then he would also be loving what you love and instead of re-homing be looking at how you could work together to care for a future baby AND your dogs. In a really crass comparison (sorry I know) it made me think of male animals in the wild that would eat the former progeny before creating their own.

The snot, dribbling and germs are 🤢

I have never got sick from an animal in my 55 years on earth. I would sooner take my chances than have to go near a snotty toddler. It’s not just about risk of getting ill.

Fuck me OP, and you are seriously thinking of bringing another living creature into your household with this kind of man? That's not the behaviour of a kind, caring, loving, supportive partner. It's the opposite.

He's gaslighting you regarding his dislike of dogs btw, what else is he making you believe that's not actually true?

Wake the hell up.

Whose house is it?

This - 100% this. To non-dog people, its completely crazy how dogs centric people's lives become. Ive got friends who never go on holidays involving a flight any more because they refuse to leave the dog, who don't visit any friends unless they can take the dog,

Well, quite. Amazing how humans managed to win the evolution race having spent many centuries sharing their beds with dogs isn't it? Some dog breeds being created for this very purpose.

I've had dogs on my bed since I was a toddler and I'm still alive at the grand age of mid forties. Must be a miracle.

I've shared many a bed with smelly men who don't wipe their bums properly and wash, mind. I certainly shan"t be doing that again (dogs do not need to wipe their bums because they don't have buttocks, so nothing lingers there, if that helps).

You need to think about what 'giving it a try' means in practice. There doesn't seem to be a compromise here once you have a baby. Giving it a try means one of you capitulates willingly to the other. Either you get rid of the dogs or he agrees to be a true co-'parent' of the dogs. That will mean him taking on the bulk of dog caring whilst you have the baby. You also need to consider if your child had disabilities or additional needs the extra work having a dog would add, and both of you being prepared for that extra work. Or if you had a screaming, non-sleeping reflux baby and you were dead on your feet due to that and he had to do everything else.

Neither of you are crazy or unreasonable. Its perfectly rationale not to like dogs and even more so to argue to not have the extra work of dogs when you have a baby, and don't like dogs anyway.

Its perfectly rationale to like dogs and want to keep them ( assuming they are very safe and gentle breeds around babies and young children).

But at the end of the day, if you want to be parents, one of you has to make the sacrifice regarding the dogs - him learning to like and look after them or your rehoming them.

But please do not head into parenthood without resolving this and one of you willingly making the sacrifice and throwing yourself into the future that will bring.

Why are you even considering staying living with this bully let alone having a child with him. Why do some women set the bar so low.

Ditch the bullying manchild & keep the dogs. Problem solved.

‘He would be a great dad‘: like a PP would challenge this.you don’t know that.

lying to you about being OK with the dogs was shit.

it would have been better to ask him to move out when he revealed he wanted you to get rid of them.

FWIW OP my DB got rid of his dog when his gf moved in as she ‘had allergies’.

It was complete BS and just the start of her unhinged, controlling behaviour.

She eventually tried to stop him from seeing his kids going as far as accusing him of sleeping with the ex, faking cancer and then accused him of having an unhealthy interest in them. She told him to choose between her or the DCs and if he chooses the DCs then she’ll be forced to report him to the police for being inappropriate with his DCs.

She was actively trying to get pregnant (not taking the pill and poking holes in condoms) and he says all of the time how he is so thankful that she never got pregnant as if her behaviour was so controlling without a baby it would have been a million times worse with one.
He also will forever regret getting rid of his dog.

This man is awful and a man wouldn’t even get to finish his sentence before I started packing his bags if he asked me to get rid of my pets.

But as PPs have said, this is a sign of bigger things too.
This is massively controlling and things will only get worse if you had a baby.

Girl if he isn’t gonna help you take care of the dogs, doubt he’ll help you work the baby! Good look with that one.

He's made it clear he doesn't want the dogs. You do. They're yours. You said he does nothing for them, but then said he's walking one of them once per day. He doesn't need to do anything.
He can't make you re-home the dogs - I certainly would not if it were me.
But he may feel that he can't have a baby around 2 large dogs who he doesn't trust.
Neither of you are in the wrong.

I wouldn't say it's a ridiculous statement.

How often do toddlers bring coughs, colds, snot, nits etc home and give the lurgy to family members?

And how often do you get sick because a cat or dog has sat on your bed?

Human saliva harbours more bacteria than dog saliva.

Dogs don't have shitty nappies when they get in your bed either. Or pick their nose and wipe it on the sheets.

I would never have a dog, be in a relationship with anyone with a dog, or live with someone with dogs. Living with two large dogs would be my idea of hell. But to move in with someone who has two big dogs and embark on a campaign to have them rehome their dogs is a gigantic red flag.It doesn't matter at all how great the rest if the relationship is. He's showing you exactly who he is. As soon as you are either pregnant or have given birth, he will be an unsupportive, controlling nightmare. He's showing you who he is. There is no 'but'.

Why would you say that?

If I refuse to care for my partner's python, does it mean I won't care for my babies with him?

That would be the biggest green flag I could think of 😬

In the situation in my previous post, where the non-cat guy bought his wife to be a pedigree cat, it turned out that he was even soppier than her over that cat and the many subsequent ones 😆