AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

The reality is that right now, you do all the dogcare. That will switch to him a lot more when you have a young baby. For instance, if like a lot of people, you walk your dogs early in the morning, it will be significantly harder to keep their routine while you have a baby to feed and care for. I mean, yes, he can also do that, but whatever way you look at it, there are 3 dependents and you will have to do more to care for 3 dependents (all of who may have a strong preference or even need for you to do their care) than one baby.

You will need him to do more for your dogs than he does now, even if that means doing for more for the baby because you also have your dogs to consider.

Unless the dogs have behavioural issues that he may not have taken the measure of initially, he's the one you need to get rid of. If he's happy for you to abandon two normally-behaved dogs just because they're a constraint in terms of time and cost, what does that say about what sort of parent he will be?

I'm making an exception for behavioural issues because I've seen that happen to a family member whose partner already had a large breed dog (pup at the start of the relationship) that turned out to be worryingly jealous of their first child. After one potentially dangerous incident, she said it was either the dog or the relationship, and he did agree they had to rehome the dog. But I feel their relationship never recovered, even though he's a great parent.

LOL to hell with him. You keep your beautiful doggos!

'You care about your dogs more than me!' Ha ha ha too right Buster now feck off!!'

What a bloody joker. How dare he suggest you rehome them?! Not being funny, but is he too daft to think outside the box and realise that they won't be around forever anyway? If they're 6 or 7 now, they've very likely only got 5 or 6 years left anyway. (Sorry for saying that @Forest28 but I'm just trying to illustrate that it's not like they'll be around for 25 years.)

That would be a huge red flag for me, being told I have to get rid of my cats or dogs. Or it's over. How cruel for him to start his bitching about how 'we need to rehome the dogs.' (Pretty much as soon as you started living with him.) How long had you been together/been dating for when you moved in together?

The dogs are your family. He is not. I would tell him to fuck off quite honestly. I would not be 'trying for a baby' with him. Such a red flag! What else will he make you give up? And when you're stuck with him (because you have a baby together,) it will be much harder to break away from him. It is so cruel what he is trying to make you do.

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People who expect others to rehome their pets are horrible. Also, the sheer nerve! I cannot imagine, in any world, expecting someone to dump their pets. Think how heartbroken and confused that animal would be! OP, your partner has no empathy for other living beings, and no respect for you, either. I would be so turned off my legs would clamp shut. He has no problem being unkind to animals, so watch your back.

I wouldn't want giant dogs in my home, so guess what? I don't date people with giant dogs! It's a deal-breaker for me and it means we are incompatible, so I just swerve people who have a lot of animals. I don't date them and then tell them to kick the animals out of their home and separate them from their beloved owner!

I'm mad at him on the poor dogs' behalf. He'd break their hearts as soon as look at them. 🤬🤬🤬

Have you had a conversation about how strongly you both feel on the topic, is he saying no trying for a baby unless they go? Are you willing to try managing both but then rehome your dogs if either of you feel this isn’t working.
If you look at your relationship honestly is it really great or are there signs you’re not wanting to see. Other than managing the dogs, are day to day chores and need balanced? I know you said that you have a cleaner but what about cooking? The mental load of day to day life? At Christmas who organises presents, plans the day etc? These are also signs of how things will be when you have children.
Also look at the dogs honestly, are there any behavioural difficulties? Are they used to being around children? Realistically could you manage caring for the dogs and a baby in your own if things didn’t work out?
You don’t need to answer these on here, but you are about to make some life changing decisions, and you need to go into this with your eyes as open as possible

Get rid of the dogs then but it's likely he will then focus on something else he wants you to change.

If you were to tell him that you feel his pressure over this one thing is making you see him in a different light, how would that actually go?

The fact that the dogs won't last more than a couple of years, THAT is a fact that he needs to accept and work around, not just something for you to accept.

You could make conditions too if you were an equal partner. No kids until after the dogs are gone, that sort of thing.

What a load of manipulative bullshit. Why on earth are you trying to have a child with this toxic scrote? When I first met DH he said wasn't a dog person but accepted I was. Then dog had been mine throughout a previous relationship. But now he is as 'doggy' as me.

Plenty of men out there who do not have commitment issues, aren't lazy fuckers and who like dogs. She could have a baby on her own even if she wanted to..she doesn't have to make the choice of 'baby with this man and by sacrificing my dogs or no baby at all ever'.

rehome the man. I was made to rehome my cats by my abusive ex and I always regretted it.

do not rehome your dogs. You’ve moved this guy in and discovered you’re not compatible

Yes they are incompatible which is why he should be dumped. I would be telling him exactly why he was going as well. I wouldn't risk him being alone with the dogs.

The fact that he does sweet FA to help with the dogs is pretty grim tbh. Does he even interact with them?

I think you are pretty much set on having a child with this man, so the kindest thing would be to re home the dogs. Adding a child to this mix of resentment from him, and the fact he might have to be responsible for the dogs, while you look after a baby, sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

What would worry me is if he’d then go on to do sweet FA to help with a baby and all of the hard work that goes with it!

When my DH and I got together I had a dog, which I’d shared with my ex, DH is not a dog person, He never mentioned getting rid of my dog, but did ask that when she died if I’d want another, which is a pretty fair thing to want to know. I had 2 babies before she died, I have never had another dog. We have a cat as I think it’s nice for children to have a pet, but now they’ve both left home and I’m stuck with an old cat (I love her really).

I would never get rid of a living thing for any reason other than safety. I would shut down any conversation immediately, leaving absolutely no gaps, it’s simply a non-negotiable.

Love this.

Rehome him. I would never have a baby with a man who didn't love animals.

DH was admittedly a dog rather than a cat person but had a proper bromance with our cat.

Don’t have any kids with him. Can you imagine being in hospital to have your baby and he refuses to look after then or worse, rehomes them. This is not beyond the realms of what can actually happen. Plus, when he’s jealous of the attention your baby gets from you and resents your child and cheats on you because he can’t stand not being the centre of attention?
So many red flags, it won’t end well, don’t give in over the dogs, just ditch him.

I think you are considering get rid of the dogs but can't admit it, as you have already let him exclude the dogs from most of the home by the sounds of it, as you say they are gated into a large space on their own, what if you get rid of the dogs but fail to get pregnant, or would you wait until your pregnant to give them the heave-ho, poor dogs, I don't think this thread went the way you expected it too, as mumsnetters seem to voracious dog haters normally, but I think you are going to choose the man over your dogs.

You have only been together 2 years

you have only just moved in together and he is showing you who he is.

this is the beginning of the end. He’s letting his mask slip. It’s not the relationship you think it is.

He will occasionally give them a pat on the head when they come to him looking for love, but only when I'm watching. Otherwise he never even touches them or enters the room with them. When I said you clearly don't like them, he said he does and it's unfair to accuse him of that. It's sad because one dog now just ignores him because she knows he won't interact anyway.

She sait in the OP that at age 6/7 they basically sleep all day apart from the normal walks. They're not border collies. 😅

Hi @Forest28

You say you're older, so you can't wait long before ttc.

If you really want a baby, and are prepared to be a single parent (and can manage financially) if he leaves because you still won't get rid of your dogs, then it's worth a try.

You can mitigate some of the dog work by paying someone else to do it eg walking and clearing up any mess around the garden.

I would also advise protecting your assets eg if you own your home and he's moved in to it. Speak to a solicitor about how best to do that.

Yes there are red flags over his behaviour. Being charitable, maybe he loved you enough to think he could get over not liking dogs that much, but having lived with them for a while has found it's a bigger problem than he anticipated.
Maybe he hoped you loved him enough to choose him over the dogs.
Or maybe he's a controlling bastard, and once the dogs are gone he'll move on to something else.

Only you have enough information to decide which of these it is.

Good luck.

Why did he have to rehome?
You are cruel beyond belief to have made him choose his pets or his baby. Obviously he chose his baby but he must feel so much resentment towards you. I hope you get to experience that feeling you made him feel over something you love one day.

I mean to be fair if she was talking about two XL bullies i wouldn’t be saying he was unreasonable (I know they are not, but I’m just saying I do think the breed is somewhat relevant)

I think he's made a big mistake moving in. I wouldn't live in a house with a dog but he chose that so he should put up with it or leave. Neither would I have a dog in a house with a baby but again, he was fully aware the dogs were non negotiable so it's on him to leave.

I agree.

Some people have said to remind him that the dogs probably only have another 5-6 years. But what if OP wants more dogs in the future?

I am shocked that this is even a question.

If anyone ever even floated about the idea that I get rid of my dog, it would bd over without a second thought.

That’s like someone telling me to get rid of my young child.

It wouldn’t be a conversation because as soon as it was mentioned I was say it’s over.

Are you hoping posters will tell you to get rid of the dogs?

How can you love a man you’ve only known for 2 years and a non existent baby, over something that you have raised and cared for for 6/7years?