AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

What ate the breeds, @Forest28 ?

It's irrelevant. The OP doesn't want to rehome them. End of story.

Exactly
the op has known about his stance a week after moving in
yes he was a massive twat for not telling her sooner but it looks like she’s stayed there since then trying to change his mind.

He hasn’t. The OP has no intention of ditching the dogs so…. It’s been over for ages

A single woman with two dogs? Unless we are talking… giant… that really isn’t an unusual situation

You are mad to consider having a child without bring married.

He's sounds extremely manipulative to me, he's already got you isolated, and now putting pressure on you to give up something you love. Soon he could have you pregnant and vulnerable with only him to rely on. And how do you know he'd be a great dad exactly?

You have met some very insecure men. It’s not even about the dogs, he has lied to you, deceiving you for 2 years until you moved miles away from everyone to be with him, chances are if you do have a baby with him, you’ll be a single parent anyway as he is a fake who played you.

My ex husband was extremely emotionally abusive. I thought I'd found a much better guy, but I don't know.

I think you do know. I’m so sorry. He’s no better than your ex. You and your dogs need to go home.

I feel strongly about my current partner, but not to the detriment of other things that matter to me. Maybe I just need to have a child and if the relationship fails then it does. If he wants to leave, he can.

@Forest28 This is one of the most fucked up things I've read ttoday. PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. If you want a child, leave and have one yourself. He doesn't want dogs, you want dogs. It absolutely will not work and using someone to have kids and saying "he can leave if he wants to" after you've had that child is absolutely diabolical. Do not have a child together.

Never ceases to amaze how many men think they can just swan into a relationship and within 5 minutes,are telling their partner that they need to get rid of their dog or cat. It would now be a deal breaker for me. It was actually one of the (many) reasons I finished my last LTR. He was pathetically jealous of me paying any attention to my cat,who I had had for several years before meeting him. About a year before we split up,my cat had a really bad stomach upset with sickness and diarrhoea. Ended up spending a night at the vet's on a rehydration drip. Thankfully she recovered well. But I still,to this day have a sneaking suspicion that HE had something to do with it. He had access to her food, and I do wonder if he might have 'added' something to it.

YANBU. From what you've said I def don't think he is the right man for you and I wouldn't trust him. I would hate it if my Dog couldn't be in the same room as me(us) they are your family, that would have been a deal breaker for me.

How dare he tell you to get rid of your dogs.

Do NOT rehome them and do NOT have a child with this man. He has isolated and trapped you by signing a rental agreement, imagine what he'd be like once you have a child.

Live with your dogs happily ever after without a demanding, abusive man.

He knew she had dogs. He clearly thought he could manipulate her once they move in together.

He knew she had dogs. He clearly thought he could manipulate her once they move in together.

This needs to be a hard boundary for you.

You are not "rehoming" (aka abandoning) your faithful dogs because he's now decided that's what it happening.

Either he accepts that, or he can fuck off. What bloody right does he have to demand that, just because you are now living together?

yes but op knew from one week on
they have been trying to change one another’s minds since one week after moving in!

it’s been dead and buried for ages

You should have done the training with women’s aid to learn the signs and also how not to get there again. I’ve done it and it made such a huge difference to me. Learnt a lot including not moving in with them so fast! What life bombing is and all the rest of it. Highly recommend it!

From his perspective maybe he wanted to be with you, give it a god, and he’s ultimately just not a dog person. Fair enough, we all have things that don’t work for us. Telling you to get rid of them though is not ok. It sounds like he’s never tried. I have a rescue mutt who is everything to me. I’d never choose a maybe relationship over him. Also you’re going to resent him for this. Sorry. It’s doomed, better to know now.

I don’t understand why you won’t say the breeds @Forest28 ?

I think it makes a difference

Why does it make a difference?

Does that really matter. I doubt this is new behaviour. I think it’s more important to be sure VERY sure if you want a baby with this man.

I think it’s fine to be ambivalent about a partners pets. It’s not fine to expect or pressure them to rehome them.

Because it might explain why men plural are not happy. As otherwise it’s a bit weird

Like Labradors or Malamuts or Bernese mountain dogs

Big difference between a big lanky greyhound cross lab or a Akita crossed with a Mal.

The first much like to be less dangerous than the second despite not being any part banned breed.

Ops reluctance to share breed or even size indicator doesn’t help. I asked gsd size or bigger and that got blanked ok cool but lots of people have also asked size and breed and about the dogs behaviour but nothing.

Not irrelevant. Her question wasn’t shall she re home them. Her question was if she was unreasonable to say that her dogs are part of a package deal. If they are problematic dogs then that is very relevant to her AIBU. She doesn’t have to rehome them, but she needs to accept there is a clearly a reason why a string of men she has dated/been in a relationship with has a problem with her dogs.

Yes. I think they’re problem dogs

But I’m sure the @Forest28 can tell us