AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

I think he needs to go, he is trying to mould you and you seem quite passively letting him. Hell would freeze over before I would let a man dictate than my dogs couldn’t be in the living room. I think you need to have the chat that he accepts the dogs fully into the household or it’s time to call it a day.

When he has got rid of the dogs, there will be another demand.

This is a red flag to me too.

He's deciding how you feel and will feel. He's already decided that you would not want your dogs any longer once you had a home with him. I agree with the PP(s?) Who said he thinks you're dumb. He thinks he can think for you. He's manipulative. 100%. I've been in relationships like this. He reminds me of a distant ex who kept trying to entrap me into pregnancy. And tried to stop me from going away to study 'I thought you'd change your mind'. Some men think they have a golden cock, they really do. And they're NOT presenting how you'd think. They walk among us, manifesting themselves as decent, normal people. Of course you won't stop loving your dogs if you give birth. You know that, and you understand love. He doesn't.

And he doesn't love you. He doesn't love you if he believes he can control you, knows better than you and is fine with controlling how you treat your pets and fine with you giving up something you love. If you love someone you want them happy. I am sorry to say this, I can sense how difficult it will be to read. But you are not committed fully to him yet and can escape. I hope you do.

I think you need to tell him that it’s almost as though he’s waving red flags.
That some people could say it looks as though he waited until you’d moved before telling you the dogs weren’t welcome. That he’s using the desire for children as a weapon to get rid of the dogs.

And that it’s a non negotiable, as you were always clear it was, and that he needs to decide if he’s staying or going.

So what are you going to do @Forest28?

Your later updates have really made him sound worse and worse, which I hope you can consider seriously looking back on it. He’s been at best utterly disingenuous to move in with you acting like the dogs are no problem - staying with you for weeks on end - to then insisting the dogs remain isolated from him in your shared house and now trying to convince you to give them up.

If he’d told you this before you committed to living together would you have continued? I’m going to guess not. It’s manipulative and quite calculated behaviour, and unfair on both you and the poor dogs.

I presume you've explained to him how difficult it would be to rehome a large breed bonded pair? What does he say?

My ex husband was extremely emotionally abusive. I thought I'd found a much better guy, but I don't know.

He’d have fainted at my house I had small children (aged 2 1/2 and 4) at the same time as up to 6 dogs…. I had 3 of my own and then took in dogs that were from families who were giving them as the rescue had no space until another home came forward, so home to home fostering rather then kennels.
The dogs taught my kids empathy, kindness and responsibility, the boundaries I had put in place meant they could enjoy each others company and be safe.
I’ll never forget taking one in, a Newfoundland cross retriever, her owners dropped her off to me because their circumstances had changed and they couldn’t keep her….
She laid by my front door for about a week, she would leave her spot to eat, go to the toilet but then would return to waiting.
On walks she was desperately looking for them, she totally broke my heart.
The rescue waited for an application to come in for her from a young couple/family (previous owners had been older) because she was so sweet and needed a family with lots of time, activities etc as she was only 18 months herself.
She was with me 6 weeks until the right application came in for her and she lived her very best life until she passed away last year of old age at 12, her new family had kept in touch.
Anyone who could cold heartedly try and get someone to give up a pet that has done no wrong is not someone I would want be around.
I took in an emergency foster and hadn’t had chance to talk it through with my DH as he was away with work, he came home and instead of berating me and telling me I had enough on my plate he asked where she was going to sleep, as we had 5 dogs at that time already, that is the type of person you want to add to your life…

You're still attracting the wrong type unfortunately.

I am about to have a granny nap (with my 7 stone dog shock horror) but I am a therapist and I am invested in this thread. If you'd like to pm me at any point please feel free. I am actually concerned for you. I rarely post on threads regarding relationships but this one has me very concerned indeed.

@Forest28 I get you. I wouldn't give up my cats for anyone. He clearly has no empathy for your emotional attachment to these living beings.

That story breaks my heart. My two are so attached to me and bonded together. It just isn't an option to rehome them. I've struggled through years of trying to take care of them following a divorce. Sometimes it was they eat or I do. I'm not about to throw them away for a new man now that I'm finally in a better place.

I find it crazy that a man would find it odd that when your marriage ended you took the dogs.

If, God forbid, my marriage broke down me and DH would be fighting over who got our dog.

There really is not a problem having dogs and a baby, I know many women who have both. I too had dogs & babies, together & no help from my H.
I think you should say. "Dave, I am not getting rid of my dogs. in a few years they will die, you are not getting me to change my mind, they are my children, they are my family, they are my responsibility, so stop nagging. If it's a deal breaker, OK, So be it."

No they are relevant - you’re the one who mentioned or at least implied “dog dislikers” are bias towards this man and “letting it cloud their judgment”.

My point was I dislike dogs and do not support this man. My dislike for dogs is not clouding my judgment.

I’m not biased towards dogs either as I am NOT a dog lover, but the fact is I can STILL see he is in the wrong - it’s very simple.

And did you tell anyone who said they like dogs their opinion on dogs is irrelevant?

You said he is “out of order” yeah I literally stated he is “out of order” in my initial response you.

Rehome the man, not the dogs.

If he spent weeks living at yours with the dogs allowed in every room then he knew what he was in for. Springing these rules on you like having certain rooms that the dogs can’t go in or getting you to rehome them altogether just after you have moved in is a massive red flag. He should have made it clear beforehand.

Not interacting with them at all is just mean to the dogs - they’re sentient beings with feelings.

Sorry but for me, people who don’t like my pets simply are not compatible for a relationship, I don’t care how stable the rest is.

You said it
So wikl you tell him tonight what you have said here? @Forest28

OP, we aren't posting negatively lightly.
I am not an animal person, as in owning and caring for them, but i deeply respect my friends that truly adore their dogs.

I do get it. They are pure unconditional love.

What he has done, not saying one word of dissent before you have moved and when you had previously discussed children, is so sly, dishonest, manipulative, calculating and in my view abusive, is shocking.

He has shown himself to lack honesty and honour.

Your previous partners at least were honest in their dislike, however unpleasant.

He us entitled to not like dogs, but to move a woman hours from her supports, whilst talking about trying for a child, and then springing this, means he is a low life.

Excuse this premeditated behaviour and you will regret it.

If you have a baby where he lives, you DO NOT get to decide to move away, evdn if he walks out on you down the road.

You need to realise how vulnerable you are considering having a baby hours away from support.

Do you fancy staying there for the next 18+ years?

Don't trust him saying "oh I'd letvyou move back".

Don't fall for that rubbish.

You haven't. I'm sorry because I know you wanted this to work.

Unless someone takes the time to reflect, stay single for a while, regain a healthy sense of self esteem, etc, after leaving an abusive relationship, then it's all too easy to fall into another similar relationship as it's familiar at some level and because the person hasn't learned to recognise the signs that the new partner isn't all that they appear.

I've been getting more and more worried for you as I've been reading through your posts. Please take everyone's advice. You and your dogs deserve better.

But you cracked on dating a guy who had told you he doesn’t like dogs? Why?

He didn't say he didn't like dogs, just that he was more of a cat person. By the time it came out, I'd signed a rental agreement.

What's the point in telling him? Do you think he will admit it? He won't.

I don't think he thinks about it more than just saying there are rehoming options. I see charities trying to place these exact mixed breeds online and they struggle. Throw in their age, size and bonded relationship and it's a shelter for life. I know this.

What would you say to a friend who told you this story and was hours away?

Would you really not think he was a sly arsehole to let her move her life and animals hours away to only THEN say they have to go?

Its so ugly, nasty, premeditated.

Pure evil in my view.
Terrifyingly so.

You are only lucky he didn't leave it until you might have conceived.

Can you imagine your distress then?

Ditch the bloke. Keep the dogs. Live where suits you. If you want a child, find a donor clinic. Anyone who is properly right for you will work with these things

Call his bloody bluff

I say this having had a child with no support at all while owning two large, aging dogs. It is doable

If in doubt always trust the animals. Especially the one that ignores him

Please do not give up the dogs you adore.You will feel terrible if you did.You will hate him for the grief,& it will be grief you suffer.
I had big dogs,3 in fact while mine were babies.No issues,they were family.