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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

1000 replies

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:14

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 31/05/2026 17:47

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:35

Because he's worried that it will be too much work when the baby arrives and he also thinks I will stop loving them as soon as a child is around, so it's better for everyone to remove them.

He's full of bullshit. You will not stop loving your dogs. Sure, you'll be busy but a decent partner would help out with the dogs if you were busy breastfeeding or whatever.

How the fuck would he know, he doesn't have kids and here he is telling you how you're going to feel, or to be more correct, how he thinks you should feel.

My husband had a dog when we met, she became my dog too, and it took nothing away from the baby. It was nice to take her for a really long walk and decompress because my husband could manage the home and our baby just as well as I could, with the exception of breastfeeding. It was good stress relief.

As an owner of a huge dog, I found guys either really like women who can handle large dogs and like their dogs or are intimidated and don't want the dog around.

Megifer · 31/05/2026 17:49

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:35

Because he's worried that it will be too much work when the baby arrives and he also thinks I will stop loving them as soon as a child is around, so it's better for everyone to remove them.

he means he'll have a baby as well as dogs taking your attention away from him, he can work on you to get rid of the dogs though.

Or he means he'll be expected to step up more than he might be if you didnt have the dogs.

Thousands upon thousands of people have dogs before babies come along and they adapt absolutely fine.

Youd need to bear in mind that given the dogs ages by the time a baby comes along (if it does), its very possible they will be PTS.

lessglittermoremud · 31/05/2026 17:50

I had a dog when I met my now DH, if he had ever suggested rehoming her regardless of how old I was and wanted a baby, he would have been asked to leave…
You don’t give up on animals because things might be inconvenient in the future, and to be honest he’s using the trying for the baby as an excuse.
Large breed dogs are not long lived and they sound middle aged now, does he know how many dogs are looking for homes, where exactly are you meant to rehome them to?!
Anyone who puts pressure on you to do something you don’t want is not on your team.
We now have multiple dogs and have fostered many more. One of my DH friends once asked him if he was fed up of the dogs being around and he replied he knew what he was getting into when he married me (I worked as a kennel assistant at a rescue) and knew that if he ever said ‘Sorry hun, it’s me or the dogs’ I would cheerfully help him pack!

PolkaDotPorridge · 31/05/2026 17:50

I’ve been married for a very long time and we have dogs. If my HUSBAND, let alone a cocklodger asked me to get rid of our dogs it would be over and he would be getting divorce papers. Do NOT have a child with this freak.

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 17:52

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:05

This is something that annoys me. He's basically spent no time trying to bond with them, almost as if he doesn't want to get attached.

Please do not bring a child into this.

He is being actively cruel to your dogs. They cannot understand or know what you have discussed and why they are shunned and restricted.

You will not be yourself as normal plus a child magically if you have one. Pregnancy and birth change you permanently and make you very vulnerable and dependent for a while.

This is all so sad.
https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/358467/women-who-love-too-much-by-norwood-robin/978009947412
Have you read Women Who Love Too Much?

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 17:55

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:39

I have some doubts about whether I'll be able to have kids, so I also don't want to give up the only chance I may have to be a "mother" figure, which is what I am to these dogs.

You can foster or adopt if you want a human child. But what will you do when he starts 'blindsiding' the child?

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:55

lessglittermoremud · 31/05/2026 17:50

I had a dog when I met my now DH, if he had ever suggested rehoming her regardless of how old I was and wanted a baby, he would have been asked to leave…
You don’t give up on animals because things might be inconvenient in the future, and to be honest he’s using the trying for the baby as an excuse.
Large breed dogs are not long lived and they sound middle aged now, does he know how many dogs are looking for homes, where exactly are you meant to rehome them to?!
Anyone who puts pressure on you to do something you don’t want is not on your team.
We now have multiple dogs and have fostered many more. One of my DH friends once asked him if he was fed up of the dogs being around and he replied he knew what he was getting into when he married me (I worked as a kennel assistant at a rescue) and knew that if he ever said ‘Sorry hun, it’s me or the dogs’ I would cheerfully help him pack!

Yeah, I think they'll be gone from natural causes within 5-6 years, if not sooner given the unpredictable nature of cancers and other diseases. I agree that there is no option for rehoming. They would be two large, elderly, pair-bonded dogs and would most likely end up locked in a shelter for the rest of their days. The idea that I would go on as normal knowing that is unthinkable.

OP posts:
Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:57

Megifer · 31/05/2026 17:49

he means he'll have a baby as well as dogs taking your attention away from him, he can work on you to get rid of the dogs though.

Or he means he'll be expected to step up more than he might be if you didnt have the dogs.

Thousands upon thousands of people have dogs before babies come along and they adapt absolutely fine.

Youd need to bear in mind that given the dogs ages by the time a baby comes along (if it does), its very possible they will be PTS.

I said it's like you think nobody has kids and dogs. Millions of people have this situation. I know people who got a puppy and a newborn weeks apart. That's obviously not a good idea, but they managed.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2026 17:57

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:55

Yeah, I think they'll be gone from natural causes within 5-6 years, if not sooner given the unpredictable nature of cancers and other diseases. I agree that there is no option for rehoming. They would be two large, elderly, pair-bonded dogs and would most likely end up locked in a shelter for the rest of their days. The idea that I would go on as normal knowing that is unthinkable.

Exactly. I had a dog from a previous relationship when I met dh. Dh bonded with the dog. Someone upthread said it’s not the dogs, who are the issue, it’s the men you’ve met thus far.

I asked the question earlier, are you sure he isn’t future faking you about wanting a child as well?

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 17:58

Tableforjoan · 31/05/2026 17:22

Odd that so many men have wanted to date you but have a problem with the dogs.

Makes me think the dogs are not so well behaved or you are a fur baby mum.

Makes me think some men do not like responsibility and snag a woman to have a Partner Experience but not a full life.

Dating men you meet at county fairs or sheepdog trials or gardening clubs or Muddy Boots type sites or chicken rescue volunteering or even church will turn up plenty of men who are ok with dogs.

You may even find one who wants bees, rabbits, chickens, ferrets...

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:59

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2026 17:57

Exactly. I had a dog from a previous relationship when I met dh. Dh bonded with the dog. Someone upthread said it’s not the dogs, who are the issue, it’s the men you’ve met thus far.

I asked the question earlier, are you sure he isn’t future faking you about wanting a child as well?

I think he genuinely wants kids, but I think he's using it to put pressure on me and it's a convenient angle.

OP posts:
ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 18:00

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:57

I said it's like you think nobody has kids and dogs. Millions of people have this situation. I know people who got a puppy and a newborn weeks apart. That's obviously not a good idea, but they managed.

It won't work if he will never be up for taking dogs out with the pram while you wash your hair or have a recovery nap.

EmpressaurusKitty · 31/05/2026 18:03

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:59

I think he genuinely wants kids, but I think he's using it to put pressure on me and it's a convenient angle.

I think you should be very clear with him that this is a deal breaker.

He knew you & the dogs came as a package. If he genuinely wants to have kids with you he needs to commit to the dogs & to the fact that he’ll have to do more for them after the baby’s born. If not, he’s not the right man for you.

TheHateUGive · 31/05/2026 18:06

Andouillette · 31/05/2026 13:40

That is not fair. She has told us they are large mixed breeds and that the mix is of normal family type dogs.

I think what a lot of people don't understand is that many "family" dogs are high energy and on top of that, they don't train them properly.

Bear in mind, I havent seen if the OP has answered any of the questions I have asked for a few hours. I will check now

Ophir · 31/05/2026 18:10

This is all so weird. I had two dogs with me after my divorce and they’ve never been an issue for dating. One was a big dog

What are the breeds of yours??

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 18:13

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:35

No he didn't mention any concerns about them. I was blindsided about a week after we moved in together.

By which point he’d properly got to know them
like the multiple other men you have dated who have taken an aversion to them

IMakeCrapCakes · 31/05/2026 18:14

BloodySoddingFlies · 31/05/2026 15:40

One of your dogs has already picked up that this man doesn’t like her. Poor dog

The dog has been trained to respect boundaries, that's all. That's not a bad thing. A dog 'should' be trained to not approach people without an invite. They don't see that as people 'not liking them' for goodness sake. They're not human.

Not human doesn't mean 'not sentient' or 'without intelligence ' or 'without emotion'. Dogs absolutely do know when someone doesn't like them. They can sense human feelings and body language. They're not robots. They're animals(as are you).

diddl · 31/05/2026 18:16

I think he genuinely wants kids, but I think he's using it to put pressure on me and it's a convenient angle.

Well he seems to have had it all his way so far...

Newmumatlast · 31/05/2026 18:18

Personally I'd end the relationship as it shows he is the sort of person generally to move the goalposts/apply pressure to get his way and that would be worse with kids

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 18:19

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 18:13

By which point he’d properly got to know them
like the multiple other men you have dated who have taken an aversion to them

He'd got to know them in the previous year, including living with me for weeks at a time, spending every evening in the lounge with them, having them cuddle with him. He knew what he was doing when he agreed to move in with them. I think he just thought I'd cave once that living situation was set up, which I'm not happy about.

To be fair the complaints about them from one guy were they were too big and he would prefer smaller dogs. The other guy just said he didn't like dogs.

OP posts:
Grandmistress991 · 31/05/2026 18:19

Keep the dogs lose the man...and whatever you do, do not have a child with him. I am single and have a dog...not for anyone would I get rid of my dog.

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 18:21

My relationship was perfect once my pets were dead, said nobody in a good relationship ever.

SomethingFun · 31/05/2026 18:24

Having dc is really really hard and loads of work and money and effort and to go into it knowing the other person is not on your side is utter madness. Are you really on your last eggs or is this man making you feel that way to trap you? You’ve asked one thing of him - to accept your dogs and he won’t do that. He doesn’t respect you or treat you as an equal, is having a baby really worth giving up the things that make you, you to appease some fuckwit? Honestly get your own home and a sperm donor and live your life without tying yourself into a million knots. I’m not a dog person at all but I would never start a relationship with a dog owner and then try and wear them down into giving up their dogs because they’re not to my taste, it’s so abusive and cruel.

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 18:24

Newmumatlast · 31/05/2026 18:18

Personally I'd end the relationship as it shows he is the sort of person generally to move the goalposts/apply pressure to get his way and that would be worse with kids

What if child has a talent for falconry or training guide dogs for the blind or horseriding or jazz drumming or painting very large paintings or boys' ballet or anything else that might be disapproved of?

Or will its life stay conveniently small?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 31/05/2026 18:24

He's ringing alarm bells, so happy to play dog dad and cuddle them etc up till the point you had already uprooted your life and moved away from everyone and everything you knew. I just think the risk that he's still on his mostly best behavior and testing your boundaries is too high.

Most abusive men can hide it till pregnancy and the woman is trapped. Please do not ignore his red flags and leave him. Yes he might be genuine however on the balance of probability you need to get out now.

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