AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

Op had he ever raised the dogs before when you weee discussing TTC before you moved?

No, he didn't.

The problem is the type of men you were dating not your dogs, less of them would have had a problem if you had said you got them after your divorce.
These men just want to control you and remove anything that takes your attention away from them.

Odd that so many men have wanted to date you but have a problem with the dogs.

Makes me think the dogs are not so well behaved or you are a fur baby mum.

Actually that’s a decent point.

OP how will you walk the dogs and clear up after them if he refuses and you have a newborn? What’s the backup plan??

I think there just aren't many men who want to date a single woman with two big dogs. It's an unusual situation I suppose. All the men who had an issue had never owned dogs before.

Yes that’s what I thought. Maybe they’re just feel they’re too big. Are they the kind of dogs that could eat a human? (Sorry if I missed this)

Either way I wouldn’t / couldn’t get rid of my dog for a man.

I know someone locally who I have paid to help previously and has said she would be up for it.

But they do date you.

and then they change their mind

Op it’s quite important whether he raised the dogs when you were discussing TTC before actually moving @Forest28

What is his reason for wanting the dogs rehomed? If you do everything to do with them as you’ve said and the rest of the time they’re sleeping, and he says he doesn’t dislike dogs then what does he say as his reason for rehoming them from as soon as you moved in together?

Because he's worried that it will be too much work when the baby arrives and he also thinks I will stop loving them as soon as a child is around, so it's better for everyone to remove them.

But they like you enough to try and the. The dogs always become the sticking point.

How big are these dogs? German shepherd? Bigger?

No he didn't mention any concerns about them. I was blindsided about a week after we moved in together.

And that, OP is because he now thinks he has you at a disadvantage. Honestly the more I read your thread the more concerned I am for you, not just your dogs
I have had dogs literally all my life, my parents' dog was 2 yrs old when I was born and don't allow ours upstairs, I don't want to share my bed with a dog and want a doghair free zone, as far as possible, to store my clothes but I am currently sharing the sofa with 2 dogs while a 3rd is sleeping on a cushion on the floor. So I understand how you feel about your dogs, mine were there when my OH died of cancer.
This man has isolated you from your family and friends and is now making unreasonable demands while dangling the carrot of a potential baby. What if you do rehome the dogs and then he says he's decided he does want a baby after all?
I'm afraid your posts have red flags springing all.over them.The more I read, the worse it gets.

I have some doubts about whether I'll be able to have kids, so I also don't want to give up the only chance I may have to be a "mother" figure, which is what I am to these dogs.

Him ignoring the dogs and not showing them affection would be enough for me to end the relationship - he sounds awful and cruel. And the bullying you into giving them up - please don’t make yourself vulnerable by having a child with him

I think most people are commenting on aspects of the man's character because he's clearly shown them, it's not extrapolation its observation.

He's lied to the OP (said he didn't mind the dogs, but does), won't take responsibility for himself (trying to make her get rid of the dogs rather than end it because he's not happy) and is ignoring her reasonable boundary (she and the dogs are a package).

Its not really about the dogs, its about how he's behaving and specifically his behaviour towards solving a major disagreement, which was entirely predictable since the dogs predate the relationship.

But you said he started pressuring you to rehome them from as soon as you moved in together? So what was his reasoning then? He’s not wrong that two dogs and a newborn would be a lot of hard work. I don’t know what dog breeds they are but is it potentially dangerous with two very big dogs and a baby? I’m confused why so many men have had an issue with these big dogs.. there must be more to this story. Are they aggressive dogs?

Well my boyfriend is two years in I guess. I don't know whether the others ending were specifically tied to the dogs, but they definitely didn't like them. To be fair I had pictures of them on my dating profiles, said in my bio that you need to like big dogs, introduced them early etc. I don't think I could have done more to make it clear that they were present and large.

I'm sorry that the available men are so shit but at least the others were up front with you about not wanting to live with dogs (although I agree the reasoning is ridiculous). This guy has clearly been leading you on and lying to you for most of your relationship.

It sounds like you're mainly keen to be a mother and determined to try for a baby with this guy despite the lying and a significant incompatibity and prepared to accept that there's a strong chance you will break up at some point but at least you'll hopefully have the baby. Would it not perhaps make more sense to split up with this guy now and have a baby via sperm donor by yourself? No frustration of dealing with a shit coparent who won't pull his weight, no risk of a difficult custody battle with someone you know is willing to lie to get his own way, no getting tied up for life with someone you don't actually want to marry (no such thing as a clean break when you have kids together).

You have done all the compromising & moving. Now he's moved the goal posts. Sly & selfish. And pushy.
It's a no from me. Team dog.

You should let him go, many women are interested in a man who doesn't want dogs so don't feel bad, he'll be fine.

He hasn't bothered bonding with them as he doesn't see them in his future with you.

My dh knew I was feisty and independent with my choice of ddog breed..
We added another large breed ddog before I had our dc at 43....