AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

We had discussed it. Neither of us are getting any younger. There was just never a concern raised about the dogs until I had moved.

Ludicrous suggestion

This is really sad OP. In all honesty, if/when a baby comes, your life is going to be thrown up in the air. All the time you spend on your lovely dogs, 95% of that will need to be spent on the baby. You will be exhausted, sore, hormonal, challenged on so many fronts you didn't know you could be.

I'm concerned that this man isn't willing to do his share - not with your dogs and possibly not with your baby either...?

And if you're the main carer, which lets face it, as a mum, we almost always are the default option, how is he going to walk the dogs, do all the care you do now? He can probably see that very clearly, I know I can as a Mum of much older children now myself. I could not have looked after 2 dogs in the way I could do it now with all the time I have back again since the kids got much older.

You could be at real loggerheads over the dogs if/when a baby comes. He will have to do everything for them - very unwillingly/unhappily. And you'll be so stressed because babies don't sleep well - sometimes for years and having htat level of sleep deprivation stresses everyone out so much. I see lots of trouble down the line.

The other thing, is that he hasn't proven his worth to you yet - in that you're far away from your family - he's not - how will you get access to help? Has that conversation been had? Would he be willing to move half way between your old homes?

Have you thought about how you want to raise the child? What sort of childcare, if you keep your jobs part-time/full-time, what sort of schooling etc. will you get help or use a nursery? Really feel this out. And spend time around babies to understand just how hard it is at the start.

The fact that he’s even asking this of you shows he’s not worthy.

It doesn’t make them bad people. Insisting on re homing does though

Ultimately it does sound like your desire for a child may override everything. Otherwise you would have dumped him the first time he suggested rehoming.

If potentially having a child is so important, then stay with him - he will find a way to get them
rehomed I’m sure. I mentioned in a previous post that you can expect allegations that the dog snapped at the baby when you weren’t there.

OP, you're already isolated from friends, family, and support systems and now he wants to take your dogs from you. He's already abusing you and he'll end up abusing any children you have with him.

He's telling you who he is but you're not believing him.

www.cawc.org/news/understanding-coercive-control-in-abusive-relationships/

This is something that annoys me. He's basically spent no time trying to bond with them, almost as if he doesn't want to get attached.

Oh. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Sorry @Forest28 but this is starting to sound like the beginnings of coercive control.
He has persuaded you to move away from family and friends.
He treats your dogs really badly (he wants rooms where they're not allowed?!? Wtaf?) and shows them no affection (what is wrong with him?)
Now, he wants to get rid of the animal companions that you love for no good reason .
Once you have a baby and are more vulnerable he'll leave all the baby care to you and probably start putting other pressures on you, putting you down, stopping you going out, etc, etc.

You've only known him for two years. PLEASE think twice about trying for a baby with him so soon.

He stayed with me many times, often for up to three weeks. He spent evenings with them in the lounge all together. I didn't expect this.

He never bloody planned to op, once you moved in a way that suited him and disadvantaged you he thought getting rid of the dogs would be a cake walk.
I bet he doesn't even care if you have a baby it will just be another tool to manipulate you another way to control you.

This man is no good, he wants everything his own way always.

Had you spoken about TTC before you moved your entire life for him?

Keep the dogs. Rehome the bloke.

I love you, OP! Dogs before dudes.

OP, please have a watch of this TED talk by Amy Webb. She's a data scientist and she talks through how she found the man she went on to marry and have a child with. She made sure from the outset, that they were compatible. Listen to the things she talks through about the child having maths, computer and chess lessons from age 3. She's really thought it all through. I'm not saying to go to the nth degree, but really think about what you want in a man.

I'd say the number one thing is A DOG LOVER!! And your current squeeze isn't that. Wouldn't you like a life-time of dogs with a man who loves dogs?? Find someone who loves them as much as you?

are you reading the same thread? Most dog-dislikers (like me) are firmly on the OP’s side and think this man is out of order.

We always had this timeline in mind. It only became something connected to the dogs after I had relocated. Maybe he didn't truly understand dogs until he lived with them, but he spent weeks staying at my house. I just feel he probably always planned to exit them somehow.

So when you spoke about TTC BEFORE moving in together - he never once mentioned the dogs?

Have other men also not liked the dogs / wanted you to rehome them? Just strange as I have a dog and I find most people are positive towards him. Sounds like a different sized dog though.

I hate dogs and therefore would never end up in a relationship with anyone who had one.

If that’s his stance then I don’t see an issue.

However if he has previously said he’s OK with dogs then I think the only reasonable concern is having dogs around babies which is a big no for many people for obvious reasons.

It's not that easy though. I spent two years online dating and many guys felt the same about my dogs. Apparently it's a red flag that I kept them from my marriage. It shows I haven't fully moved on. It's uncomfortable for men that I'm a feminine woman who has two dogs because apparently that's weird. I really did try. Funnily enough all the women in my life love them, but the guys I date don't. I never had a guy agree to go on a dog walk with me ever. They would just sit on my sofa. I wish I had options.

I type this as my dog is sitting beside me on the sofa. I feel sorry for the dogs who now are shut out of their lounge. You can have babies and dogs together, I would never leave a dog alone with a baby but you can live in the same house. What happens when partner gets something else in his head that you have to do? He goes on and on until you capitulate. Dogs don’t deserve to be ignored in their own home

This is the kind of man that will manipulate you to get rid of your dogs and then 3 yrs down the line come home on a random friday with a dog of his choosing and just expect you to take it on.

He never planned to allow you to keep your dogs round for long.

Stop giving him the benefit of doubt.

Yes, it happened more than once. I had one guy rant at me that I'd never find a boyfriend if I kept them. They are big dogs to be fair, but women always like them.

If they are part Dogue de Bordeaux, they've got around five years? and only a couple until they really slow down. It makes no sense to rehome them, you aren't even pregnant. He's showing that he is capable of moving the goal posts and being inflexible, that doesn't bode well. Do you both earn similar and are both on the tenancy agreement? I'd worry that you rehome and ttc stops.