AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

He sounds controlling but, to be brutal, you equally sound pathetic. All this ‘he's lovely and will be a great dad’ while he consistently shows you he really won’t. He’s showing you how he’ll behave if a baby comes along and takes up your affection. I suspect you’ll still go ahead and do it as soon as many others have done and live to regret it. Poor dogs.

I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to stay with anyone who would do something like this unless it was for the animal’s
benefit.

I’m sorry you were allergic to some of them and scared of the dog but I find it sad that someone would take on animals and then get rid of them because of a relationship.

I guess he wasn’t that committed to them or he wouldn’t have suggested it.

Absolutely, dogs are for life.
If he's not interested in this big part of your life, which he knew about, it says a lot... and not in a good way.

This is a major problem, not a little. If you go on maternity leave who is going to pay for the dogs? Who will walk them when you can’t.

Not approach “people” generally fine. But this person lives with the dog. Very different. Yes, poor dog. In her home, her sanctuary, she needs to keep away from one of the residents because he doesn’t like her. Poor dog.

You’ve been together only 2 years, you’ve moved hours away from everyone you know whereas his life hasn’t changed so it must’ve been a long distance relationship. You hardly know this man who’s desperate to tie you down with pregnancy. All we know about him is he is a liar as he doesn’t accept your dogs which was your one boundary and he’s an arsehole because he can’t bring himself to even tolerate something which means a great deal to you. Honestly if your clock is ticking and you’re set on having a baby, I consider going it alone over doing it with a selfish, unpleasant, manipulative and controlling knobcheese. I can’t see this ending well for you if you decide to have a baby with him

I think the dogs are a kind of red herring.
From my POV it is irrelevant if you like dogs or not to be able to see what is happening here.
He knew op was a package with her dogs.
He waited until she moved in then he moved the goal posts.

Let's say the OPs partner was accepting of the dogs & they went ahead & had a child. If the baby unfortunately turned out to be so highly allergic to dog dander it was life threatening & despite medication it can happen, swelling of airways etc, would the attitude regarding the dogs remain the same. 🤔

Whst if, what if eh?
Op may not be able to get pregnant. What then? No babies and no dogs that dhe loves.

The question is should we put dogs first & foremost in our lives or should our human relationships take precedence when in a healthy loving relationship in every other aspect of life with the exception of keeping dogs in the home 🤔

As repeated many times, the dogs were there first that and Mr red flag knew that. Waiting until she has moved in and settled to pull the rug on the dogs is not part of a healthy relationship in my book.

He cares more for your compliance than your happiness.

To be fair it was a relationship plus a child. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision.

We have a dog. I hate dogs but my DH and SS absolutely wore me down. I can honestly say in the 2 years we've had the dog I've pretty much cried almost everyday because I hate living with animals so much. I hate living in my own house. But we won't recommend because he's well loved by everyone else and I am not involved in his care or anything. The kids absolutely love him but honestly if we didn't have kids, I would have left by now.

That's why I think the OP and her partner should seperate now. They just aren't compatible. She loves animals, he doesn't. They should definitely not bring kids into this relationship.

I wouldn't work my life around someone else’s pets, but you do what you want to. 👍

You could I suppose, but I can assure you that I have a lot of respect for all animals and I don’t apologise for having pets. They live a happy and content life. Is it more respectful to leave them on the streets?

Animals at least deserve respect, unlike many people

Definitely rehome. You and the dogs will be happier without him.

Would you date someone with pets? Presumably not.

I think it’s unfair on th dogs for you to stay with this man. How can you live with someone who doesn’t even interact with your dogs?

I’m sorry but respect to your husband for honouring his commitment once he had the dog.

Do you have a phobia? It just seems quite unusual to cry every single day about the dog but not leave if things are that bad

This is just another man who doesn’t want a woman with dogs. You just didn’t realise it at the beginning and maybe if he hadn’t lived with dogs he didn’t realise he didn’t want them. You now treat him the same as the other men who didn’t want dogs. I also think dogs only one partner brings to a relationship are different to dogs you both choose to have and more difficult

OP, people have very strong feelings about their dogs. Hence you will get lots of ‘dump the man, keep the dogs’ replies. And some, quite frankly, extreme extrapolation about DP’s character due to his lack of support for the dogs. As a parent and grandparent myself who has no interest in dogs and would never want one, I was particularly offended by the ‘if you don’t like dogs, you’ll be a rubbish parent’ comment.

You must have felt very strongly about your DP to move away from friends and family for him and to be thinking about having a child with him? Is that all gone because of the dog issue? I’d so, fine - cut your losses and run.

But in the bigger picture, you say you wouldn’t get more dogs. How will you feel in five years time if you have no dogs, no partner, no children? It’s so easy to say there’s someone else better out there - but if you really love him, is there?

Only you can work out what’s most important to you and where you are in your life. Don’t let PPs rubbish your entire relationship because of their strong feelings over dogs.

You must have felt very strongly about your DP to move away from friends and family for him and to be thinking about having a child with him?

And having done all that he probably thinks she's cave to getting rid of the dogs!

You moved hours away from your friends and family to move in with a chap you’d been dating… a year or so.

Had you discussed TTC before the big move?

Or know their dogs are placid and calm and will just accept the change (mine is a highly strung hand-rear and if I banished her to a room she'd scream her heart out until she was allowed back where she's used to being).
Not all dogs are like this, some of them just accept whatever their situation..

Well unless things have changed they would have 9 months even if she got pregnant today to discuss any possible risks and any changes wouldn't they?

Pretty sure she will not get pregnant today so likely will have a year or even longer to discuss things.

OP may not have any concerns. She knows her dogs and she may well feel they will be fine with a baby/child. Her partner is using a baby (which may never exist) as an excuse to get rid of the dogs.

I am sure plenty of people would deem it a risk to bring a baby into a house with dogs and they are the stupid selfish people who get a dog then discard it once a baby comes along without seeing how the dog reacts to the baby.

The risk of bringing a baby into a home with a dog is pretty small when you look at the number of homes in the UK with dogs and children and the number of dog attacks.

They are prioritising the dog over you OP. I wouldn't tolerate this for a second considering how upset it makes you. People who don't wish to share their life with a dog does not make them bad people. I love to witness animals in the wild & absolutely love dolphins. I don't dislike dogs but have never felt the desire to own one. I feel sorry you are being put through this OP when you have made your feelings clear.

I think I learned the hard way after 10 years with a man who married me then cheated on me that you can't rely on a life partner. He may meet someone else. He may wake up one day and not feel the same. I'm reluctant to talk about giving up two creatures who have been with me through it all, with unconditional love, in the hope that a man will stick by me forever. I hope I get to be a mum. I hope I can be a good dog mum too. If the man sticks around, he does, but I know I'll be okay on my own. I feel strongly about my current partner, but not to the detriment of other things that matter to me. Maybe I just need to have a child and if the relationship fails then it does. If he wants to leave, he can.

I think it’s crunch time - dp or the dogs.

How was he before you upsticks to be with him? Has he always disliked them, or is it since you lived together?

He will just step up the campaign if you have a kid with him.