AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

He might feel he has already given it a try since moving in together and now feels the commitment of dog ownership is not for him. Perhaps using having a baby as an example of how he will find it too much.

Are you willing to go into having a baby with someone and agree that if he does find it too much (which sounds like he already does) you will separate or will agree to rehome the dogs at that stage instead?

There is no right on wrong answer here, too many variables you cannot get across in the MN thread but you need to talk - it needs resolved now, before any decision to have a child.

I like dogs but wouldn't choose to live with two large ones.

Would I want to try?

Perhaps.

The unfortunate thing is that Op has given up so much for this "try" not to be working.

But it's not so perhaps she should cut her losses?

Stick to your guns, Op.
My husband is from another country. When I first met him and he wanted to date, I told him that I would never move away from my country and that there was no point in beginning a relationship if he couldn't see himself moving to live here at some point in the future.
I was very firm about this. He ended up moving here and we married but about 5 years later he started talking about us moving to his country. I shut the conversation down immediately and refused to speak about it as he always knew it was a deal breaker for me.
Don't entertain any conversation about your dogs. He knew what he was agreeing to when you began the relationship. It's his choice whether he chooses to uphold his side of the bargain or walk away.

A man that doesn't interact with dogs may not with children in my experience.

My Hinge profile headlined with the fact I don't like dogs because it's a redline for me - I dislike so much about them I know they'd be no compromise. Despite that, I had very many men like my profile who consider their dogs "their babies". Evidence that men don't actually read profiles...

But anyway I would never expect a man to choose between me and their dogs so it'd be a hard no from the outset. He's being unreasonable to expect you to re-home them when they were there first and they're not problematic.

That’s like asking your new partner that has kids from a previous relationship to put them up for adoption

That's ridiculous.

You’re not being unfair. When you take on a dog, you have a moral duty to stand by him. Dogs are like kids. They didn’t ask us to take them into our home. We choose to do so, and we have a duty to love and care for them.

The last time I thought we'd reached an agreement that we would make it work, but then he's back on it again.

@Forest28 This is your main problem. He does not accept them, never will, and they are very important to you. No matter how many times you tell him you aren’t going to re-home them, he starts asking you again. He is not respecting your wishes, even though he has 75% (or something like) of the house dog free. You’ve made major concessions for him, yet he’s still ignoring your wishes on this.
I get that he really is not a dog person, but as you’ve said repeatedly, he was well aware of your situation before agreeing to move in with you and your dogs.
I’m a dog person, my husband is not. I was aware of this when we first moved in together and I have not pressured him to get a dog for the last 30 years (kids have asked many times—it’s a flat ‘no’). No way would I keep going on and on at him about it. That wouldn’t be fair.
It sounds like you have already told him you aren’t re homing the dogs many, many times. So I don’t understand why he would keep asking and asking like this? Unless he has absolutely no respect for your wishes and is trying to manipulate you. Either that or he’s five years old.
As others have said, not a good sign for parenting together unless it’s guaranteed that you will always agree on EVERYTHING apart from this issue (It’s highly likely you will not).

He's not walking away though. He wants her to re-home the dogs (as if this was such an easy thing to do).

One of your dogs has already picked up that this man doesn’t like her. Poor dog

The dog has been trained to respect boundaries, that's all. That's not a bad thing. A dog 'should' be trained to not approach people without an invite. They don't see that as people 'not liking them' for goodness sake. They're not human.

When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them 🚩🚩🚩

A man that doesn't interact with dogs may not with children in my experience

That's a bit random.

Doesn't his behaviour with your dogs give you the massive ick? It's just grim and I can't see how you've tolerated it tbh. I couldn't and wouldn't be with someone like this and I know you say he's lovely apart from this but to me this unkindness towards my dogs would be like saying well he's lovely apart from his habit of spitting in my tea, or slapping old ladies, or suchlike.

This is not my experience

You should be getting rid of him, not the dogs. Do not have a baby with him.

It is isn’t it.

I don’t fuss people dogs. Definitely look after my children.

I used to have dogs so not a hater but u guess not a lover a dog is a pet not family kinda person.

Although in my previous post I understood the Ops predicament I've since had another reasonable thought to add to the scenario.

Let's say the OPs partner was accepting of the dogs & they went ahead & had a child. If the baby unfortunately turned out to be so highly allergic to dog dander it was life threatening & despite medication it can happen, swelling of airways etc, would the attitude regarding the dogs remain the same. 🤔

The question is should we put dogs first & foremost in our lives or should our human relationships take precedence when in a healthy loving relationship in every other aspect of life with the exception of keeping dogs in the home 🤔

I couldn’t be attracted to someone who didn’t like dogs to the point of banning them from most rooms of the house and trying to evict them, let alone be in love with them and want to procreate.
I think you should bin him off.
The fact he’s even asking you to do this when you’ve made your feelings clear on the matter, makes him a bag egg.

On what possible grounds? This is a tricky situation. Perhaps we can keep the man in the gated area? Anyone who wants to rehome pets with no cause is a giant red flag. Oh and controlling.

You've described a 'new' relationship of 2 years whoich is 'going well' and then said you're trying for a baby. Despite the fact that he has been pressuring you into rehoming 4 legged members of your family. Having a baby with him would be an extremely bad idea. Pregnancy and parenting can put a huge strain on a relationship and it really doesn't sound like your relationship is ready for that. Take your dogs and run for the hills. This man would not be a good co-parent

But there isn’t even a pregnancy yet, let alone a baby and let alone a baby who happens to be allergic.

In that situation I’m sure the OP would weigh up the options and act accordingly.

All she has at the moment is a controlling arsehole trying to make her give up her beloved pets

If her partner was allergic I would understand, but he wouldn’t have moved in, surely?
The child being severely allergic is something you can’t predict. Completely different and of course you would put your child first.
He could easily have predicted that he didn’t want to share a house with dogs, because he doesn’t like them. He shouldn’t have moved in.

get rid of the man.
men are like buses. there’s always another one around the corner.
but dogs are for life. they will look after you in your old age, and will always be your best friends through thick and thin.

Why are you with someone who doesn’t love your dogs? And I mean LOVE (not put up with til they’re inconvenient)

dump him. I judge anyone who gets rid of their dogs when they have kids - I currently have one of those poor bastards lying next to me. Dumped in a town center in the first lockdown. Every time a baby cries on tv he howls like he’s being murdered 😕😨😕 it’s so incredibly sad and he’s such a sweet boy

Pats for your dog xxx