AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

He hasn’t got your best interests at heart, he played the long game. I’d feel like I was rehoming my children by rehoming my dog, not a hope.
You really don’t need another man making decisions for you. If you really want a baby, do it alone using a sperm donor.

I think you have a more immediate problem than a baby. One of your dogs has already picked up that this man doesn’t like her. Poor dog.

He lives with these dogs and hasn’t taken to them. So he is incompatible with them. I would leave him and go back to where you were previously living.

The dog dislikers are letting their bias cloud their judgement (as per). You don’t have to like dogs and you definitely don’t have to live with them. You can’t tell someone with dogs you’ll be happy living with them then, two years down the line, bang on about rehoming them. Fuck him.

I think you should be very very wary.

You're already isolated from your support network and now hes increasing the pressure to get rid of your dogs, he seems very manipulative.

I feel sorry for your dogs and I dont think this is the right man for you

Dog lovers can be rather bias too. We can all be bias, but it’s just important to be aware of it and reflect.

For my part as pertains this situation I’ve already said upthread that a. I dislike dogs and b. I don’t agree with this man and think he’s out of order

You never saw his behaviour around his cars though did you? You have no idea if he just chucked food down once a day for them, ignored them and gave them a kick every now and again?! Any person who’s so against their partner having dogs they already owned before he came on the scene is a major red flag!! A lot of these type of men become abusive when their partner is pregnant and has children. There’s a lot of red flags around him already! An abusive man won’t want large breed dogs in the house for another sinister reason … that the dogs will protect their owner from the abusive partner! He knows that underneath and that’s another reason he wants rid of them

Honestly girl, I'd leave

You love the dogs, theyre your family - he's never going to accept them

I would move somewhere countryside/beach ish, so theres lots of space for them to play and have my kids by a donor

I picture somewhere like Kate Winslet's countryside home in The Holiday xx

This. He's not the one for you, OP. Throw him back.

I kind of understand why he feels this way as you won't be up for walking and giving attention to the dogs for a week, possibly 3 or 4 depending on the type of birth you have and how you recover. Will you both be able to afford a dog walker/sitter while you are on maternity pay? Also some people just get genuinely nervous about dogs X children. I feel nervous about dogs near children because I have barely been around them and can't tell when a dog is upset, grumpy etc.

YAY another thread about how dogs are less important as soon as a human baby enters the chat. Yeah, you should dump the dogs. Rehome them and let your consciousness be free because what IF they bit the baby that isn't here, or drooled on them, or pooped on them, or put fur on them? Who cares those dogs thought you loved them and they're all that you know? Screw them.

Tell that guy to do one. He's a selfish loser and doesn't value loyalty, accountability or responsibility. He wants to run away, and take others with him, when he can't think of a solution beyond what suits him. He sounds petty and jealous.

YANBU - however you need to decide whether or not you will enforce/assert you choice to keep the dogs.

Personally, I think that he has been devious and a bit dishonest: he knew what the situation was regarding the dogs and yet he has waited until now when your thoughts focuessed on whether or not to have a child with him to raise this objection. That is not even taking into account him excluding the dogs from the majority of the home, lack of engagment with them, and the fact that you have left your support system and familar people and places to live with him!

I would not have a baby with him. He is not completely honest and for me that would lead me to wonder what else might he have a change of heart about?

People can and do change their minds, however I would have expected him to have said something and open a discussion and be willing to compromise..This man seems to be saying it's his way or not at all. Extermely dangerous territory to get into when there may be a child coming into the relationship, because then walking away and ending a relationship is not so easy.

Its really concerning in my opinion that he moves in with someone who has two dogs, that sound well behaved, then insist on not having them in most of the house with him, then repeatedly tell you they need to be rehomed if you want to have kids, despite there being no behavioural or medical issues which make the dogs trick, and despite you telling him you won't. If he didn't want to move in with dogs he should either have not moved in with someone who had dogs, or should have told you that rehoming was a condition of moving in. And let's face it, it's unlikely to be rehoming, there isn't a massive pool of people wanting two large 7 year old Cross breeds.

I think his behaviour is really manipulative and would advise against having kids with him. Even if he agrees now, he sounds the pressure will just ramp up with a baby in the picture (eg he will observe some behaviour that he interprets as aggressive towards the baby so then the dogs HAVE to go)

Your thoughts on dogs are irrelevant though. Why bother mentioning them? The long and short of it is the man is out of order. Whether people think dogs smell, are dirty or are a drain on time and money means nothing on this thread.

Sorry this would be a deal breaker for me.

It's not really about the dogs.

He knew about them before he decided to commit to the relationship and take it a step further. He knew your position on them.

He has continued to push and push and push at your boundaries, he is happy to reduce their quality of life in several ways simply to prove his point, he continues to moan on trying to wear you down.

He does not respect your boundaries and this relationship started on that footing.

When the dogs are gone and you are tied to him with a kid... how do you think this will pan out? What else will he decide you have to compromise on and he's going to bitch and whine about it until you do?

Cleaner than the average man 😂

Safer too!

I am confused by how you say he does nothing for the dogs but then say he’ll walk one of them with you once a day. You also say he drives them to daycare.

I also think it’s possible he had no real issue with the dogs when he didn’t realise the reality of living with them and once he did he didn’t want them. I am a dog lover and think it’s mean to get rid of dogs with no real reason, but I can see not everyone thinks that.

FWIW I have a cat, she’s older but still a grump and takes the odd swipe at our toddler. One of my step-sons is ASD and afraid of her, so we worked on strategies to make him less anxious. If he hadn’t been able to cope my parents would have had to take her, but even though my partner doesn’t like her he worked hard with me to try and ensure things were ok. I know if I suggested re-homing her he would be delighted but I also know he wouldn’t unless she became a persistent risk to the children.

I think that this is a fundamental difference that you can't overcome. It is ridiculous to say that you will never have any more pets as well. You may well find you so want a pet later in life, or if you have children. I compromised with my ex husband on cats. I had two cats when we met. He didn't want animals in the house so when we moved in together I had to have them live just in the conservatory. When they died I didn't replace them obviously. Then after about 15 years I realised I was living a very compromised life. I love cats. My children were desperate for a pet. So I got a cat. It was really difficult and created a lot of tension...blah blah blah three years later I decided to leave him (for lots of reasons) but the resentment of having to live so strongly under his rules was part of it.

Keep your dogs. Don't compromise yourself to that extent.

You're kidding, right? If you're planning to have a child and have ANY concerns I'd say it's the responsible thing to make those changes before a baby's on the scene, wouldn't you?

I'm aware how many people have dogs and kids in the same house. That doesnt change the fact that plenty of people would deem it an unnecessary risk to bring a baby in to a home with dogs, myself included. We don't all have to be dog obsessives and we don't all have to ignore the risks of dogs around small children.

If you believe he waited until you moved together to have issue, dump him. That would be manipulative.

If you believe he hoped he would manage, but found the reality of living with two large dog too much, it's a different story and no-one's fault

You said you don't want to let your dogs go preventively, in case you wouldn't get pregnant anyway. Would you consider rehoming them once you got pregnant? (And could you be trusted with such an agreement?)

Realistically, they are your dogs, not your shared dogs, and you won't be able to take care of them on a good level in case of pregnancy complications/bed rest/with newborn.

He would have been out the first time he mentioned not having the dogs in certain rooms and frankly @Forest28 you should have put your foot down then . Unfortunately you’ve already given in on not letting them in the lounge so now he feels if he goes on about it enough you will get rid of them . Believe me , if you have a baby with this man your dogs will be gone within months .

It's stupid & cruel to think grown dogs who've been with you since puppies can "just" be rehomed. It's not a simple process at all. Without you they would be frightened, confused, sad, lonely & probably, at their age, never find another home.

I'm a cat person, never had a dog, but I couldn't bear to be with someone so cruel to any animal. At best he's thoughtless, selfish & ignorant. At worst he's cruel.

And that's not even mentioning how manipulative & controlling of you he is being.

I wouldn't contemplate having children with this guy. I'll bet he sees himself as a Disney Dad. What will he do when he discovers that children are hard work? They shit, they pee, they dribble, they puke, they wake up in the night and want attention, you have to have eyes in the back of your head and just when you think you've got on top of that they start developing ideas of their own.

If you choose to have a new rental together with someone who just passively tolerates your dogs' existence, you are choosing to compromise. No dogs in bedroom, his study, lounge, food prep areas (if you can afford a big enough house) is normal non-dog person's expectation.