AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

Perfectly understandable not wanting to get married a second time.
And to want to keep your dogs.

But then, just don’t have kids.

Your position is too precarious. You already have responsibilities in the form of two existing large animals to prioritise and you have no protection in the form of marriage if you were to have kids. Not to mention you’ve only known this guy two years.

I get that time is of the essence but honestly that’s irrelevant. Because you’re not in a suitable position to be having children right now. All else aside there is a serious bone of contention in the relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if he only wants a baby because he thinks it’ll make you more inclined to give up the dogs.

Keep the dogs, he can stay if he wants but instead of trying for babies, make sure your contraception is airtight and invest in some suitable therapy to process the idea that kids probably aren't going to be happening for you.

You chose the dogs, so choose them. Because if a baby comes into things, the dogs will go, you know this in your gut. And, the man will go too, btw.

You are wrong if you think the dogs are the issue.

The dogs show the issue.

Which is that he lies to benefit himself, is manipulative, complains if he doesn't want to do something, cops an attitude if he doesn't get his way and is reluctant to help you out.

If you think that this will not show itself in any situation other than the dogs you are fooling yourself.

This guy is getting a lot of flack here for not wanting two dogs he feels no attachment to. Maybe he didn’t realise how hard he would find it until they moved in together and the dogs are there 24/7

This. People are making all sorts of stuff up, vivid imaginations I think.

I don't think op is being unreasonable but nor is the bloke. He probably regrets moving in together now, thought he could hack it but the reality of 2 large dogs is too much. I wouldn't have moved in but I've lived with dogs before and couldn't wait to get out of there so I'd have known it wouldn't work.

I don’t like dogs myself and would never want one in my household. However I think it says something about his personality to pretend to go along with it then just before they’re TTC switching up on his stance and pressuring her to bend to his will.

So to me it’s the principle of the thing and what it shows about the kind of character he has and the type of partner he’ll be. He sounds controlling and selfish just from that alone and OP has now said he does almost nothing in the house.

I’m inclined to agree. No one who really loves you would expect you to get rid of your dogs. It’s unacceptable.

@Forest28 AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them?

You're entitled to keep your pets. But other people are also entitled to walk away.

I am sorry if I misread your comment. I thought you were saying her commitment to her dogs was wrong.

I don't see my username as defensive. It's meant to be a joke (but is also true!)

So he has isolated you now he is working on the dogs to really isolate you. This is not a good relationship. Firstly he has come into the relationship knowing he is going to put pressure on you to give up the dogs. I really would not be thinking of having a family with this man. He will use any child to control you. He is telling you who he is & you are ignoring that info. He has lied to you about who he is & what he wants he thinks you are manipulable & you are. You are already questioning AIBU. It is coercive control he is making you question your core values, & hidden his true intentions.

I don’t blame him for not wanting to live with the dogs and realising that too late. But then, you leave the relationship. You don’t try convince her to ditch the dogs and you CERTAINLY don’t bring up babies.

At the bare minimum he is selfish and probably resentful that she is choosing the dogs over him (in his mind). He probably expected she would just give them up. And that’s failed so now he thinks a kid will swing it.

You could argue that those of us who don't have pets have more respect for animals than those who do

I agree. My intense dislike of dogs does not extend to the rest of the animal kingdom. And I wouldn't even dislike dogs so much if they didn't impose themselves on me so frequently.

or IMO what is more likely is he thought he could convince Op to get rid of the dogs once his feet were under the table.

That’s what he’s being criticised for. Shifting the goalposts.

I feel he should have an inkling of if he could cope with dogs since presumably he stayed overnight at her house before moving in.

I can tell just from having stayed at friends houses with dogs occasionally in my 20s, that I don’t want even want to spend one night in a home with a dog let alone move in to a home with dogs!

OP it looks like you’ll need to choose between having dogs or having kids.

And I know it isn’t fair on the dogs but I wouldn’t want 2 large dogs and babies either.

yep, I love many wild animals and would like to eat a more plant based diet one day out of concern for the way farm animals are treated, but not keen on the idea of pets especially dogs.

How on earth has it got to 'discussing having a baby' when he actively dislikes your dogs, won't even be in the same room. I wouldn't have even dated him. I'm a dog and cat person and anyone disliking them, well they just wouldn't be my kind of person. My b/f is actually allergic to cats but still spends time here. He wouldn't dream of telling me to get rid. I've also had dogs and a baby, no problem. You have maternity leave, plenty of time to get into a new routine.
I get that OP is running out of time to start a family. I think she should wait to see if it happens and if there is a problem that can't be sorted (safety issues etc), like any well reasoned person, then and only then would you re-home.

No, she doesn’t! Lots of people have both! The issue isn’t the dogs, it’s her selfish, controlling partner IMO. Why should she let him dictate her life??

Well his reality of living with 2 large dogs is that he doesn't spend any time with them apart from so generously walking 1 once a day (almost all dogs need more than 1 walk a day).

They are not in the same rooms as him, he doesn't feed them nor pick up their poo so just how is living with them "too much".

both of these scenarios are horrific.

I’ve seen that situation quite a few times of women choosing to live with a man that social services says isn’t fit to live with kids.

I’m not saying he isn’t selfish and controlling. He probably is.

She said she hasn’t got much time left to have kids so if these 2 large dogs are putting men off then she is going to struggle to have kids.

And yes of course lots of people have kids and dogs. I however would not have 2 large dogs and babies at the same time.

I hope this is tongue in cheek or a deliberately goady post.
No sensible dog owner who is a parent would ever leave a baby or small child alone in a room with even the most well behaved dog.

It's no coincidence that all the babies killed by dogs were left with "reliable family dogs who would never hurt a fly"

You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do about your beloved dogs. The sad fact is dog lovers find it difficult to accept there are people who simply don't like sharing their lives & home with a dog where every life plan first & foremost involves their needs. It is a sacrifice not everyone is prepared to make . It doesn't mean they have no consideration for animals but they just don't want the huge responsibility when there are so many other often stressful things in life to cope with.

If your partner knew the dogs would come first in your life he shouldn't have become so involved with you. If he walks I'd be inclined to look for a partner who feels the same as you & would share your love of dogs.

It happens a lot unfortunately!

I suspect it’s the link to your ex he doesn’t like. Although it may just be the idea of being obliged to care for them if you are ill through pregnancy and then are caring for a baby. I don’t mind dogs but would struggle to live with one and would definitely not want the work involved of looking after one.

My friends did have to rehome their dog when their son was born as the dog became aggressive towards him. In fairness the dog was a bit growly with kids anyway so it wasn’t entirely unexpected.

i would tell him to leave and end the relationship. I would never choose a man over my dog. He sounds too immature to be a father.

They are not in the same rooms as him, he doesn't feed them nor pick up their poo so just how is living with them "too much"

Well I don't know because op hasn't answered any questions about their behaviour or training, but even not in the same room large dogs make their presence felt. Without wanting to give any offence they do smell, track mud and can make a general mess of furnishings, and sometimes have a barking problem. I don't want to live with any of that. He does walk one of the dogs every day which isn't nothing. Whatever is too much he has a right to not put up with it if he finds it intolerable. He should leave.

Fuck that. Loved my dogs longer than any man, they’re not going anywhere. The man would be gone at the mere suggestion of me parting with my dogs. That’s like asking your new partner that has kids from a previous relationship to put them up for adoption- absolutely bonkers suggestion!