AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

And yet you're so certain he'd "be a great dad"? Sounds like he's "great" as long as everything is exactly on his terms and how he likes it (rarely the case when there's small children). True character comes out when people are in the not-so-great situations.

Echoing pp who said don't have children without marrying first - you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. But don't marry this one.

If you're "not sure" about marrying someone, why be sure about having a child with them? You'll be linked to him for life - and, more to the point, so will the child.

He sounds crap with the dogs. Fair enough, he didn't choose to have dogs. But kids are more hassle than dogs, and there's no kennels for them either. He sounds like a man who gets irritable when he has to consider and accommodate the needs of others. Think very carefully.

I actually know a woman who gave up her child for adoption because her partner wouldn’t marry her if she didn’t

I know a woman who gave up her child because social services would not allow the baby to live in the same house as the father nor have unsupervised visitation. She chose to live with him.

I would have rehomed this man ages ago tbh

If you have a baby with this guy you're going to be stuck there where you are away from your friends and support systems. He'd got you isolated and now wants you to get rid of dogs you had before he even came into your life.

Say you have a kid with him, things get bad and you split. Do you think this guy, as controlling as he is, would let you move back to where your support system is? No. He's controlling and controlling people use their kids to control the ex partner's behaviour.

If I were you, I'd move back to your previous home area with your dogs. This guy is not the one that loves you how you are, you've already had to massively change your life to suit him and he wants to kick another of your life supports out from under you, your dogs. He doesn't want you to have support, even if it is your pets.

He’s pulled a sneaky one on you. Probably thought he could persuade you eventually to give up your precious dogs.
I would be telling it is not up for discussion any more. If he doesn’t like it he can go and live alone.
You’ve given up enough for him already moving away from your family and friends.
He’s selfish and heartless.

The cases you are thinking of hit the news because they are unusual

I agree it's unusual but it's becoming more common with the growth of the dog population. It happens and I wouldn't want to risk it. There are loads of dog bites on children that go unreported and don't hit the news because the family is protecting the dog. Look at any A&E figures. It's fatalities that make the news.

Actually dog attacks are on the increase even once you have controlled for the increase in dog ownership. I believe it is because of the change in attitude among many dog owners that they should be brought everywhere and treated like people, not animals. They aren’t trained properly these days.

OP, you've probably heard the saying that some women have to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince, and it does sound as if your partner is more of a toad than a frog.

There are so many red flags in your posts - not just the dogs, but also the fact that you've moved away from your support network of family and friends to be with him. If he actually persuaded you to move, as opposed to you making a unilateral decision, the signs are all very bad - and you would be well advised to move back as soon as you can.

It's difficult to see the wood for the trees when you have feelings for someone, but this bunch of strangers on the internet can probably see very accurately how the relationship will pan out if you stay with him.

You have moved hours away from your supports for a liar.
A manipulator.
It won't get better.
This is deliberate.

He thinks you are dim.
Why are you "confused"?

He lied.
You moved.
Now you are seeing the truth of who he is.

As for being a great dad?
Are you out of your mind?

A liar, who misled you?
Who you moved hours away for, and now he has made your dogs a constant issue?

Wake up OP and smell the roses.
He is so far ahead of you.

Oh and remember, if you were silly enough to have a child with this loser, and you tried to get away from him and leave, and return to where you come from, he could 100% stop you moving anywhere with his child.

The courts would side with him most likely.
Abusers control women by not allowing them to leave.

So he could do nothing for his child, the bare minimum, if that, and keep you stuck where you are now until your child is 18.

Only the most foolish of women move away from everyone they know to have a child with a man.

And boy do they pay for it.

Time to rehome the partner.....

I knew my husband was a keeper on 3rd date when he took me and dogs for big walk in countryside. I always say he was a dog owner without a dog when he met me! My dogs have been great with my kids. For me if my husband had mentioned rehoming it would have been end point.

You’ve named multiple significant changes you have made to accommodate this relationship. What changes has he made?
Without evidence he can flex I’d be worried you would face life-long ‘you do it’ with this man. His behaviour with your dogs is giving you a peak into his caring behaviour and what he may be like as a parent. Are you ready to feel like you’re a single parent within a relationship?

I'm am animal lover in general, though am a bit wary around bigger dogs after a serious attack by a random German Shepherd left me hospitalised.

However I do my best to be friendly to friend's and neighbour's dogs. I would have to think long and hard before I considered moving in with a partner with a dog. If I really liked the person and thought we had a future, I'd make every effort to get to know their dog and if it seemed to be working out after short stays etc then I'd maybe consider it.

If having moved in, it turned out that despite everyone's best efforts it wasn't working out, then I'd be the one relocating. I would not for a second think my partner should give up their pets.

This is where I have a problem with your partner's behaviour. He basically appears to have made no effort whatsoever to have bonded with your dogs. I find it really weird that if he loves you he wouldn't have basically tried a bit harder with them. You appear to have fallen over backwards to accommodate his dislike of your dogs, by limiting their movements in the house (a real shame I think) and doing pretty much everything for them, yet it's still not enough.

I think you need to have a frank talk with him and tell him the dogs are staying and moving forward he has to decide what's right for him based on that non negotiable fact. If he decides to stay then you need to make clear this subject is no longer up for debate as he has made his choice and shut down any attempts by him to start all this up again.

Loads of families have both dogs and children. The only reason this would be a problem for you is his attitude to the dogs. A hard choice for you OP as it sounds like your biological clock may be hard to ignore, but a man so uninvested in this aspect of your life and happiness should be grounds for real concern.

In your shoes I'm not sure I wouldn't keep the dogs, move back near friends and family and have a baby on my own.

Could never have a baby with someone like that. Are you mad? He as the audacity to move into your home where he knew they lived and think he can have a say on them being rehomed? Absolutelyfuckingnot.

Personally I think you will regret rehoming under these circumstances. I'm very much a cat person and not a dog person, I don't to date men with dogs but that's because I respect that there dogs are family to them as my cats are to me.

I think you need to imagine what not having dogs in your life would be like.

How much of a ‘good Dad’, will this person be if his child loves dogs like it’s DM.

Im really very surprised you post this question if you are truly very much in love with this self centred person .

Just found “ I also feel I've sacrificed a lot already”. OP you’ve answered your own question here, ie. this isn’t the partner for you.

I’d be forever ashamed of myself for this.

Did he never stay with you so that his apparent aversion to the dogs was obvious?

Seems odd that you have got so far together with such an incompatibility.

You seem to have given up a lot-don't give up more!

This man will not be a good dad, not one bit.

If he's that worried about dogs in the home with a baby, he should have been honest with you once the relationship became more serious and confirmed that you felt the same way (that the dogs would have to be rehomed before ttc or after becoming pregnant). He kept that deeply held belief quiet until you were fully committed to the relationship. That was dishonest of him.

OP, when I was reading through your posts, I missed that you've moved and sacrificed other supports to facilitate this relationship. That makes it feel even darker and colder (and slightly sinister, tbh) that he would try to insist on you giving up your dogs without even giving it a try first. There's nothing stopping you from rehoming later, if you must, but it might not be necessary. It really does feel like this man just wants to get rid of the dogs (has done since the start) and this is the likeliest way to convince you of that.

Isn't there an old saying about watch how your partner treats pets before you have children with them?

That tells you all you need to know; dogs are very good judges of character.

Yes! I agree with. Not a dog lover either but I think this man is problematic because he’s shifting the boundaries.

I would never want a dog so I’d just not get with someone who was fixated on getting one and certainly not one who had any.

Op, I know desperation to have a baby can set in for women at a certain age but really this relationship doesn’t bode well from what you’ve shared.

And you’re about to sacrifice the last few years of your fertile years @Forest28 for him.

He sounds very, very selfish

I really wouldn’t have a baby with this man, you’ll end up doing the lot

You clearly have NO idea of what a healthy compatible relationship looks like, if you think being lied to and manipulated to, and nagged constantly about something previously agreed upon, is your bar.

The dogs have the measure of him for goodness sake.

And you want to inflict this loser on a child?🙄