AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

@Forest28 i have to agree with pp who see coercive control here. Sadly I have experience of this and the way you get to the point of being controlled without really realising it. I gave up so many things which were important to me (just stuff, but still) because my partner didn’t like them- but no sacrifice I made was ever enough.

The really concerning thing here is your man won’t hear you. You already made a deal and he’s pushing back again against it; guarantee that if he wins this one, there’ll be something else that he expects you to change. It’s no place to bring a baby (again, a controlling father for your baby is no fun for you even if you are separated, and can create all sorts of problems for your child). I echo pp who asked if this is the first issue that you haven’t given way on, hence why you don’t otherwise have disagreements in the relationship.

It really isn’t completely alien unless you are someone who views living creatures as disposable commodity - and that’s not a good look.

You missed out a couple of possibilities:

• get rid of the dogs and find that getting pregnant isn’t easy (or even impossible)
• get rid of the dogs and split with this man regardless of whether there is a baby in the picture

As there are no guarantees about getting pregnant etc, it may be that she ends up without the dogs, a baby or this arse of a partner.

People who hate animals are not usually caring people ime.

If that isn't enough for him now (already far too much IMO) those dogs will be gone within 6 months of you having a baby with him. He'll make sure of that. And you'll be too vulnerable and distracted to prevent himl doing it.

But possibly worse than that is that he's shown you who he really is - pretending to accept your conditions, but then working at you until you no longer know if it's you who's being unreasonable when in reality he's gone back on the agreed conditions.

This won't stop there. It's not even about the dogs really, it's about control.

"as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure"

I'm sorry, what?? Get rid of him. He's the one who needs rehoming. Smh.

OP each time you post there are more and more red flags.

You’re doing all the compromising.

You've uprooted your life and moved miles away from friends and family to be with him.

You have to keep your dogs confined to a very narrowly limited space in the house so that he can have five rooms for himself (which is still not enough apparently).

You will have to give up the dogs if he is to TTC with you. Holding you to ransom over a baby is nasty, BTW.

I suppose he may argue that his compromise is that he lives with dogs he doesn’t want. But that was his free choice in the first place and it doesn’t sound like he has any interaction with, or responsibility for them anyway. He just doesn’t want you to have them.

I completely agree that she should not just get rid because this guy demands she does. She feels more commitment to the animals than this human.

The fact you take offence that dogs are referred to as animals and your oddly defensive username are weird.

I dont think I’m particularly a dog person, but I am quite fond of all animals - to me that’s not the core of the issue.
So this man, who you claim to be very compatible with, got you to move to move in with him disturbing your life while his remains as was. He gives no indication of having any issues with your dogs…up till you moved miles away changing your life completely and then it’s a death by a thousand cuts: no he won’t interact with them, drive to a kennel is too far, they can only be in parts of the house he doesn’t have to see them, oh wait, you really need to get rid of them, you make an agreement and then he ignores it and keeps droning on…I would not want to stay in a relationship with someone like that and it could be that my thing would be a book collection not a living creature. If someone pretended to be ok with it and then progressively wanted me to get rid of all my books - I would get rid of them cause this is too underhand behaviour for me to tolerate. Also, would never be with someone who can ignore animal giving them affection.

Move back pdq with dogs. Isolation from your community, resentment of your pets, and wanting you pregnant?

I hope he is not also a prepper or a religious fanatic -- you will find yourself weaving your own yogurt, homeschooling, and begging for hosuekeeping money, while maybe one day the child will be permitted to have a quick-dying gerbil.

Seriously though, please move back. You are only renting and not pregnant yet.

‘I have relocated hours away from family and friends while his life has remained unchanged’

So the dogs are not the only issue. You conceded on the location issue.

If we give him the benefit of the doubt, he changed his mind, and it’s now a deal breaker for him. (It seems more likely that he lied until you were in love and had relocated for him.)

Wouldn’t ttc until this is resolved. Options: (1) you concede and the dogs go in the event you have a DC; (2) he concedes and shares dog care should you have a DC; (3) dogs stay and you continue to do it all unless unwell - and he shuts up; or (4) breaking up.

Option (3) is a bad one for you IMO when you will have far, far less time and energy after DC than you do at present, have no family or friends locally and your DP seems unlikely to shut up or do much at all.

Also, if you have a DC in your current location it could well be you’re stuck in that location in the event of breaking up.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

I fucking hate all this glib unfunny "Re- Home The Bloke" which piles out on threads like these .

Yeah, they're a bit tedious aren't they? Especially when each one who posts it thinks they're hilarious, and the first to say it! 😆

It's up there with 'get rid of 160 pounds of useless weight right now by dumping him!' when a poster says her boyfriend has said she needs to lose weight!

Even if he stops going on about rehoming, expect him to come up with excuses down the line. He will use the baby as a reason - It will be ‘the dog snapped at the baby’ when in reality nothing happened at all.

He’s made his intentions clear - you can do better

Dump him. Keep the dogs. Dogs are not just for a limited time, they are a lifetime (of the dog) responsibility.

Hell no these are your dogs tell him to jog on!!

He may be good in other ways Op but he's hell bent on getting rid of your dogs before you're even pregnant, plus waiting until he'd moved in was pretty underhand of him.

OP if you have a newborn, what if he digs his heels in and refuses to walk them, toilet them, feed them etc? You wont be able to do it all alone. Who can help in that situation?

OP, the problem, from my perspective from what you have said, is that he wants to be in a relationship with you based on what it might become, who you might become, if you didn't have the dogs. Except that you already have the dogs. He should want you for who you are now, a person who loves her dogs.

Do you really think a man like this won't also try the 'but you said you would stay home and look after the children' if you once decided that, but you've had a change of heart? He should come to you with compromises, not ultimatums.

Are you 100% sure that, once a baby has proven to be so much more work than he had originally thought, he won't say, 'well, it's clear we can't have dogs and a baby' and then you're stuck?

You say that you aren't planning on having any more dogs after these two. What if you find that your life just isn't complete without dogs in it? Are you going to be allowed to change your mind?

Forgot to say: you said you think he will make a great dad. You don't know that. No one does.

Tell your DP to re home himself, and keep your dogs.

Again a huge generalisation. I fucking hate dogs - needy, smelly, dirty, overstimulating, absolutely everywhere and I am allergic. I do not hate animals. I very much appreciate wildlife in my garden and care about endangered species etc. But I will never be a pet person. This doesn’t make me uncaring - I care very much about people.

And him being a manipulative and very unpleasant man means its even better op doesnt have a baby with him.

I'm sorry, OP, but his attitude is terrible. I can't imagine that he's honestly a great man if he's this callous about dogs you've had for 6/7 years. Of course you don't want to rehome them, and there's absolutely no reason why you should, if they aren't dangerous breeds.

He should be willing to pick up a little of the work with the dogs temporarily, as needed, when you're pregnant and have a newborn. After that, it probably won't be necessary for him to interact with the dogs any more than he currently does, though it might mean he has to spend more time being responsible for the baby while you walk the dogs. If he loves you, helping you keep your dogs shouldn't be a problem. If it turns out that the dogs are a problem with the baby, then you can look at rehoming, but I wouldn't expect that to be an issue. Many people bring babies into homes with family pets and all is well. And if you can keep the dogs away from your partner, you can probably keep them away from the baby, too, if you must.

He doesn't seem very loving to impose this ultimatum on you. He obviously has no guilt about needlessly uprooting the poor dogs, but does he not care that it would hurt you to needlessly give them up? I wonder if he sees this as an easy way to get rid of the dogs once and for all. Also, does he not care as much about ttc as much as you do? I'm sorry, but he sounds heartless.

You could argue that those of us who don't have pets have more respect for animals than those who do.

But the point here is that he knew the OP had dogs. So he either accepts them or ends the relationship. I would never get into a relationship with a dog person and he should have considered this earlier.

The thing is OP, and I never get why people don't get this, is that relationships are easy most of the time when life is just ticking along and you are both getting what you want. It's easy for things to be 'solid' when there are no conflicts or differences. You only really find out about the relationship when you disagree! And now you are disagreeing.

"He walks one while I walk the other, but only once per day. That's all he does." To be fair I think that's a lot more than nothing - walking one dog once a day is a lot for someone that doesn't want dogs.

That is not fair. She has told us they are large mixed breeds and that the mix is of normal family type dogs.

My dogs were the best babysitters I had - coming to fetch me when the girls moved or cried if I wasn’t in the room

Good grief. That's all.