AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

OP, the fact you've moved away from your family and friends, and have sacrificed a lot, as well as him not taking no as an answer with your dogs (despite his choice to move in with you and them) and his controlling where the dogs are allowed to access the house (bedroom is common, lounge not) is ringing alarm bells for me. From what you've written it sounds a controlling and coercive relationship. I do not think you should give up your dogs, in terms of compromises it sounds like he's taking an awful lot and giving very little from what you've written.

You are being entirely reasonable.

I have a grown up son, and no children with my long term partner. We have two dogs, and if for some reason things didn't work out with us (we've been together 15 years) any new man would have to accept my dogs or fuck right off.

There are always going to be two sets of people - the ones like us whose dogs mean everything to them, and the brigade who think they're just stinky, annoying things, and demand others rehome them for their convenience.

There was a woman on here the other day who was finding it hard to cope with kids, dogs, and a useless husband, and so many posters told her to get rid of the dogs. She told them in no uncertain terms that wouldn't be happening, and she had massive respect from me for that.

I'd rehome the human any day.

Kindly, you’re deluding yourself. It’s hardly a great partnership when your boyfriend is pressurising you to get rid of animals you love. You said yourself, they may only be around for another few years, and he can’t cope with them? He can’t let it go to make you happy?

It’s a partnership that’s ticking along because you want a child and he’s good enough day to day. But he’s also selfish to start a relationship with someone and then try to force them into rehoming their beloved pets.

Sorry, but this doesn’t sound good. At least admit to yourself that you’re settling.

If you were 25 now with years left for a family, would you still choose him?

That was me before yes. I still find it baffling. I made it to 32 before anyone tried to bring a dog to Christmas so it was extremely jarring.

In the boyfriend’s case I do actually think it is possible he didn’t realise. Her update tells us she has relocated to where he is from, this suggests they were in a LDR before moving in together. I can easily imagine a situation where the dogs weren’t really part of the equation until they were all suddenly living under the same roof.

And to be clear I think that basically neither of them are being unreasonable. They just have different views. The options are:

• somebody gives in (rehome the dogs and have a baby , or have a baby while living with dogs)
• accept that you may never have a baby if you are going to wait for the dogs to die and that you are choosing dogs over potential children
• split up and possibly not have children anyway if @Forest28 doesn’t meet someone in time, depending on how old the she is

I just think it’s important to challenge the idea that the boyfriend is an evil monster. If you aren’t a dog person, it really is completely alien.

If you are determined to keep the dogs you have to tell him you are managing the dogs fine and you won’t entertain the conversation again. I’m guessing you haven’t done that because you’re afraid he might decide to leave.

We have two dogs and a toddler, it’s fine everyone adapts! One is a complex rescue as well.

As others have said if he can’t accept the dogs I wouldn’t be having a baby with him. The dogs are part of the package in being with you.

Exactly what I was going to say. He’s isolated you so you’re weak. He’s been treading all over your boundaries by isolating you from your dogs and now your biological clock is ticking deafeningly in your ears, he’s wanting you to get rid of the dogs before you even TTC.

I’m actually wondering if he even intends to have children with you at all.

In essence, go home. You’ve made a big mistake here.

Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy btw? It keeps you locked into the relationship or what you’re already doing, because of time / money already invested.

This sounds exactly like my ex.

When i looked back with clearer vision I could see the only times we really got on well was when I was letting him have everything his own way.

If I ever felt strongly enough to stand up to him (rarely), we had rows from hell, days of anger, then manipulative silence until i caved.

The dogs are not the issue, how they sort out their differences is the issue. I think it would be clearer to see if it wasn't the dogs but some other aspect of the op that he initially accepted then wanted to change, eg being overweight, spending a lot of time with her family, having a demanding job, being a gym bunny etc.

If she was clear it wasn't going to change from the start, he should take responsibility for wanting something different and end the relationship, not try to force her to change.

I really feel for the op, with the bio clock ticking but this sounds like a recipe for disaster. The longer she stays and the more she invests, the less likely she is to feel she can leave.

This guy is getting a lot of flack here for not wanting two dogs he feels no attachment to. Maybe he didn’t realise how hard he would find it until they moved in together and the dogs are there 24/7. Maybe they are physically overwhelming and he is genuinely keen to start a family but has concerns about the safety element. Maybe now faced with the everyday reality, he genuinely doesn’t know how they would cope with the cost or care especially during mat leave. Maybe he has always had concerns, but OP just wasn’t listening.

I wonder if this was a woman posting about her safety fears but her boyfriend was dismissing them and prioritising the dogs over her, the answers might be kinder.

Ultimately it doesn’t sound like he can accept them and I am afraid OP you will have to move on from there. You don’t have a time machine to go back two years and stop the relationship in its tracks over the dogs. Crying ‘unfair’ won’t change the situation. You can’t have what you want - him, baby, dogs - so you have to decide what is going to give.

You're not being unreasonable.

If you feel more commitment to a couple of animals than your future child and its father, then it's good that you don't have a baby with him.

How does he not give you the immediate ick? I would dump anyone who views living animals as items to dispose of when they become inconvenient.
I don’t much care about his other traits - good or bad. This one thing shows he’s just awful.

What a strange twisted view.

He's controlling. He's given you an ultimatum, your dogs or him.

I'd pick the dogs, not a controlling man who lied about being ok with the dogs but immediately started to pressure you to re-home them when you two moved in together.

Don't have a baby with a controlling man who wants you to get rid of beloved pets.

I think there's red flags you've missed because this is a huge incompatibility. He knew you had dogs and moved on with you anyway thinking he could get you to go along with getting rid of them. I find that sneaky and coercive.

I’m not a dog lover but I feel so sorry for your dogs. They must be so confused not being able to be near you, the part where you said one of your dogs ignores your partner made me so sad.
I really would be leaving this man if this were me, he’s showing you who he really is.

You think she should have a baby with this man?

I think the fact she moved in WITH the dogs should have told him everything, regardless of whether he had really realised how important they are to the OP etc…

For me, it sounds more like those men who date someone who is chubby and then put pressure on her to loose weight, go the gym etc… because they wish she was thinner. Often in the ground of ‘being worried for her health’ etc….

If you date someone with dogs (or cats or snakes or a huge pile of teddy bears on the bed) then your first assumption should be that this is who they are and the dogs/cats/snakes are part of the package.
No one should assume people will change like that just because you prefer it/it’s the way you do things do they should adapt around you.

Unbelievably OP, I have come up with a solution that means he never has to be in a room with your dogs ever again...

He doesn’t sound like a dog lover, not someone who tolerates them. This would be a deal breaker for me. I was dating someone who, when they came to mine would ask me to lock the dog in the garden. She’s part of my family and I said no. On the second occasion I just called time on the relationship (we’d been dating for months) because despite him saying he liked dogs he clearly didn’t. I believe if you get a dog they’re part of the family and shouldn’t be set aside because someone new comes into your life. Getting a dog is a big commitment and when you’ve made that commitment you should give it focus.

It’s difficult if you feel you’re at an age where it’s the last chance to have a baby. But he’ll continue with the pressure and chip away at you and I think you’ll feel huge guilt at getting the dogs rehomed for him when you clearly love them.

It would be a hard no from me, and death of the relationship

This is not the man for you OP, that’s as clear as day

No but your comment about having more commitment to a couple of animals than a future child and father is.

Those "animals" are 2 dogs that OP took on. She should not just get rid because this guy demands she does.

Also no guarantee whatsoever that OP can or will get pregnant

Why, why, why? This is not good, OP. This man is controlling and I doubt he cares much at all about you as a person. You’re just a woman to control and to provide him with all his wants. Your feelings don’t matter because you are nothing to him.

I thought I knew what a controlling man was. I thought I could spot one. Forewarned is forearmed, I thought. This won’t happen to me. But it did. Abusers often don’t look or act like you’d imagine. They can appear nice, kind, lovely - but all of that is an act to snare their victims. Please, please don’t discount all the people telling you there are red flags. It’s so hard to see for yourself once you’re enmeshed in it all. It’s like boiling frogs - so gradual that you don’t realise what’s happening.

Leave him and go back closer to your family. It’s good you’re renting. You can escape.

If you’re worrying about time running out to have a child, don’t. There are plenty of ways to do this without tying yourself to a selfish, uncaring and controlling man like this.

I don’t think there’s much correlation between liking cats and liking dogs - I really like cats and would always interact with them, but I’m not particularly fond of dogs and have never had the urge to pet them, even the cute puppies. I would be nice to them if at someone’s house with dogs, but more to be polite to them than anything else.

But, given I feel like this, I wouldn’t move in with someone who had beloved dogs that they adored and were part of the package! Not everyone has to like dogs but if you set your life up with someone who has them you have to decide early on if you’re in or you’re out. Totally unfair how he’s behaving.

*dewne
The dogs do sound bloody awful
Eh? How come?

I know I repeating what loads have said, but just adding to the chorus of he's a red flag guy.

I would not stay with this man.
Its easy to say everything is great and there are no other tensions when you agree with each other. The problem lies when you dont.
The issue here is the dogs were part of the package deal with you when you met and he agreed to it. Now it doesn't suit him.
However they are your dogs and he wants to change your lifestyle. It is him that's breaking the deal and wanting to hold you hostage to his demands. Dogs or babies that's the only choice he is giving you.
My answer to him would be ' see you'

He knew you had dogs, so he needs to accept that. You are not being unreasonable.

If you rehome the dogs, you’ll resent him.Don’t compromise. They’re your dogs.

Here we go again! Men always wait until they get their feet firmly under the table before showing their true colours. He knew the score when he met you! The dogs are family and important to you and he should accept that or voice his concerns long before now