AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

The relationship is over.

Well the OP has said he is worried if they will cope.

As a Big Dog Person, the problem with having a young child and a big dog is that the mistakes a child might make can be reprimanded by the dog in ways that aren't necessarily vicious, but the size and strength difference make it devastating nonetheless. Sort of like when a Great White does an "experimental" bite on a human.

These dogs are big, old(er) and havent lived with children, before. They are high risk for low adaptivity to a new living situation.

This is a risk I took more than once as a Big Dog Owner and that is what makes me truly appreciate the enormity of said risk. I appreciate why a lot of people wouldn't want to take it.

I did always have in mind that every single one of my dogs would likely end up in a fanily environment with young children around so they were raised with that in mind. Things like not allowing them on sofas and other things everyone uses and they might guard. I don't know if OP has done things like that. I dont know if these dogs are friendly but ill mannered like a lot of dogs are.

Who does have some idea of that is the partner in question.

I don’t think that’s a fair comparison at all. People who aren’t dog people really don’t realise how obsessed dog people are with their dogs. You don’t realise they are going to be wanting to bring them on holiday, arranging the day around them, treating them like a person. We had a cat and then a tortoise growing up. Both animals were just sort of there. You fed them and maybe interacted occasionally but for the most part it was just co existence. A dog is a pet don’t forget, not a child.

Yes! I'd go so far as to say that if the OP doesn't put a stop to this, she'll be back in a year with a thread titled 'I rehomed my dogs for him and now he's changed his mind about starting a family'.

It is an alternative narrative to the one where the OP willingly shuts out her dogs.

Coercive control is real. So is sulking and manipulation.

It would be a cold day in hell before I got rid of my dog for any man.

Also, it's not as simple as "rehome the dogs"
Rehome them where exactly? Rescue and rehoming centres are full to bursting, many of them physically can't take any more animals. Dogs are being put to sleep because spaces can't be found for them.
I know because I foster for a rescue charity.

If she wants a baby with him then yes. If he is a no baby while the dogs are here then that’s kind of that.

His sperm after all. He can choice to not have sex with op or use condoms with spermicide in to make sure he won’t be making a baby.

She can then decide fuck this piss off and try and find a new partner / go for sperm donation.

Or she gets rid of the dogs. Those are her options to have a baby.

I think he's being unreasonable. The time to have had this discussion was when you were talking about moving in together; not after. I certainly wouldn't agree to get rid of them before you get pregnant. To ask this now, smacks of a controlling element to his personality, and little concern for your wellbeing.

This is not a little thing. He's asking you to lose 2 companions that you've had for many years. Don't underestimate how you will feel, if you give in to his request (demand?) Will he support you through your loss? Or will he just heave a sigh of relief and expect you to carry on as normal. If the latter, I would think seriously about whether you want to commit your life to someone this unfeeling and selfish.

This thread isn't about the compatibility of dog ownership with having babies. It's about a controlling man. @Forest28 , did he have some kind of 'unexpected' housing crisis that necessitated him moving in with you?

I think you are both BU.

Your partner thought once you'd move in together, he could convince you to get shut of the dogs as you would be too invested in the relationship to do otherwise. He was never on board with and with typical male arrogance thought he could simply pressure you to bend to his wishes.

You are BU as dogs and babies together are just not a good idea, no matter how much you protest. Your main motivator for keeping such an arrogant and juvenile man in your life is to provide you with a child. I hate that some women have to think like this , such is their need to be mothers.

All in all, this is a mess, You are either going to end up with this bully of partner as the father of your child, having given up your beloved dogs, or you are going to have to ditch him and feel like you have been conned out of two years of ' child bearing' years.

but he went into this with eyes wide open.
Not really accurate. He clearly isn't a dog person and has no idea what it's like to.live with a dog. As a non dog person living with a dog, I can assure you it is absolute hell on earth.

I think the bit I'm struggling with is him waiting until we lived together to have an issue with it.
He probably didn't realise how strongly be would feel

Also that he has an issue despite me not asking anything of him in terms of responsibilities and care.
That doesn't negate the utter smell, hair everywhere, trying to avoid certain part sof the house where the dogs are, the time ye lose together because you are spending time with your dogs etc. And if you have kids together (please don't BTW) then this gets even tougher to deal with because a baby is bloody hard work!

I've also been clear that these are my last pets, but I just want to see this through and give them the last few years they deserve.
It doesn't matter if these are your last pets. Hes struggling now.

But all this to say, you absolutely should give your pets the life they deserve and that you want with them. You absolutely should.under no circumstances have a baby with this man. I don't even think you should be living together - it's perplexing.

He clearly moved in with you with the intention of persuading you to re home them.
did the dogs used to have free range of the home? Were they in the living room and bedroom? Are you isolating them because of him?
youve done everything you can to make it easy for him. I hope this isn’t a deal breaker for you both. He needs to accept you came as a package.

If it was me, I would feel like he had tried to trick me into believing he was fine with my dogs when all along he was planning to make me get rid of them. I absolutely would not having a baby with him!

When you say they’re big dogs, do you mean Labrador big, or bigger still?

There are far more instances of people being killed by people, especially women being killed by men.

The Killer Dog Myth needs to be put in perspective. Like men, dogs are cute, fuzzy, and potentially dangerous. Unlike men, they may respond to reward-based training.

@Forest28 I’m confused how you get to this point…surely the first time he mentioned rehoming the dogs once he’d got his feet under the table (dick move btw) you say what the hell, you know the dogs aren’t going anywhere, that’s really upsetting, don’t ever mention it ever again…and then that should be it? If he brought it up again you say seriously, can’t believe this, we’re clearly not compatible…no? And I say this as a non dog lover!

As a mother of lots of children, I can confirm I would never be able to randsom over a baby lovely as they are. They ain’t that great.
If all you want is a baby, there’s always another man around the corner that would happily give you one.
They really don’t think this deeply over it when they’re normal
It’s only the controlling scumbag types that realise they have some leverage and happily yield it

It was at his request that they don't come into any rooms that he's in. He has five available rooms where he doesn't have to see them at all. Apparently it's still not enough.

The last time I thought we'd reached an agreement that we would make it work, but then he's back on it again.

Are your dogs very tactile? Are they allowed on furniture etc at their own leisure? How well are they obedience trained?

After you’re update - ditch him. It’s the dogs now, once you give in he will find something else. Do not have a baby with this man. Throw him out before you waste more time.

I am not a dog lover. I wouldnt expect a partner to rehome their dogs though.
Have you looked at the website borrow my doggy. I think its called. Its where you connect with local people who would live a dog but can't keep one, so they take it for walks and such, you might find a nice local person who wants to reguarly walk your dogs and have them for weekends and stuff like that. Which might ease the pressure.
Otherwise I think you would resent him forever if you did get rid of them. Then you will end up breaking up with him anyway.

Well that’s it. Op needs to make her choice.

He is clearly not going to change his mind or I have a feeling if he does he will find or make a reason for them to go while the baby is still a very fresh newborn and ops too burried in baby stuff to fight him.

Is she happy to stay with him and have no trying for a baby? Or even run the risk of the above scenario if he suddenly folds.

Gamble time.

I am so sorry. This is sad for you and confusing and hurtful for the dogs. Refusing to share space is a whole different level of horrible and cocklodgery. Why are you together, as a therapist once asked my ex and me?

Why did he move in with you? Was it an upgrade from his previous housing? Are finances and chores split fairly?
Would you have expected to have future pets after these if it weren’t for his dislike of them? And yes, claiming he doesn’t dislike them is utter bullshit. People who like dogs don’t behave like this.