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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

1000 replies

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:14

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

OP posts:
MrSchubertWhiskers · 31/05/2026 11:51

The other aspect of this is clearly that he was never ok with your dogs but decided to hedge his bets. So now he either gets on board with them or he accepts that this isn't the relationship for him and calls it a day.

Worth remembering that deciding on the future of your relationship isn't solely on you.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 31/05/2026 11:52

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 11:47

You can't get rid of dogs just because you might get pregnant. We're both of the age where it may not happen or may take years/fertility treatment. Then there's assuming issues with the dogs that may not happen. Then there's assuming this relationship will last and I won't give up my pets only for it to fail anyway. I don't see any concrete reason. If there became a concrete reason like a safety issue further down the line, that would be a different conversation. I've said I'm not preemptively doing this just because you don't like dogs.

I am trying to think of a valid reason why your OH would want the dogs re homed .

I quite like dogs for other people I wouldn't have one myself because I don't want the work involved .
But your OH knows everything will change if you have a baby .

He knows he will be much more hands on and maybe he doesn't want this .

BloodySoddingFlies · 31/05/2026 11:52

There are numerous instances of babies and young children being harmed or killed by dogs in the home. It’s quite simply not worth the risk and I wouldn’t allow it either

Not just babies and children either. Some adults too.

cubistqueen · 31/05/2026 11:52

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 10:24

I'm not going to get rid of the dogs. That's the problem. He's just on at me so much about it that I'm questioning whether I'm a crazy dog person and he's the reasonable one.

That’s called gaslighting. Stay and it’ll get worse, especially if you get pregnant. Get rid of him today, let your dogs have free range in the house and start looking for someone who will love all of you. It will get worse.

Anonymouseposter · 31/05/2026 11:53

NameChangeMay2026 · 31/05/2026 10:21

Some people have said to remind him that the dogs probably only have another 5-6 years. But what if OP wants more dogs in the future?

I don’t think that’s the same. These particular dogs are bonded with her and she has a responsibility to them. She would be upset and worried about them if she rehomed them and it would be distressing for the dogs.

Dollysleftnip · 31/05/2026 11:54

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:14

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

I’ve met men who expect me to do that with my children. It comes as absolutely no surprise that your dogs are a problem in their minds.
Saying that as a parent, if you’ve got a dog that looks like it might eat my kid. I wouldn’t be keen to date you ?

Myfridgeiscool · 31/05/2026 11:54

Get rid of the man pronto.
Who the hell does he think he is!!! Far too controlling.
No way would I part with my dog, especially not on the instructions of a bloke.

Blueflutterby · 31/05/2026 11:55

He's moved the goalposts .
He waited untill he moved in to pressure you
This probably was his plan all along ,
Not nice at all
If you give in ,he knows how to always get his own way in future
I don't think this relationship has legs ..sadly

Anarchy99 · 31/05/2026 11:55

TheHateUGive · 31/05/2026 11:50

The thing with dogs (and cats, actually), is that there is a range of behaviours they could display that shows they are not compatible with living with a baby.

At the worse end of the scale, you have aggressive behaviour that hurts the child or others. Biting etc.

But more commonly, you'll have new guarding and territorial issues or just plain misery in the animal. For instance, I knew if a cat who just wouldn't come back in the house once the baby was home. It was rehomed with a family member because it was obviously depressed and now felt homeless.

Some people sadly would only act on the former type. The type which gets someone physically hurt. As long as the pet was able to suppress that behaviour, they don't care if their quality of life has been diminished by the arrival of the kids.

But this isn’t about whether the dogs would be happy with a baby around, I think it is only right to rehome an animal that is unhappy but plenty of animals live with children and (as long as the child is trained how to interact with them) it’s great.

But that’s not what the OP is about

cubistqueen · 31/05/2026 11:56

ive had two newborns with dogs and cats. It’s completely manageable and totally normal outside in the real world where people don’t see their animals as baby substitutes and dump them wnen the real thing comes along; or have a totally insane hatred of animals. My dogs were the best babysitters I had - coming to fetch me when the girls moved or cried if I wasn’t in the room.

Zanatdy · 31/05/2026 11:56

I wouldn’t be having a child with him as he is clearly going to ramp up pressure to get rid of the dogs. I wouldn’t give my dog up for anyone.

honeyytoast · 31/05/2026 11:57

Mumoftwoteenagers · 31/05/2026 09:36

You are going to get a whole lot of dog lovers on here telling you to ditch him and keep the dogs. Because “fluffy wuffy puppy wuppy” etc.

I am not one of them. I am not a dog lover. I don’t even particularly like dogs. I will never get a dog.

I think you need to end this relationship. When you first got together you set a strict non negotiable. He agreed. And now he is trying to negotiate it. And you have already compromised massively.

As a minimum stop ttcing and risking trapping yourself with him until this is sorted.

But really you need to end this. It should never have started.

What has you not liking dogs got to do with this situation at all? You’re basically saying the same thing as what you said the “fluffy wuffy puppy wuppy” people will say - “I think you need to end this relationship” vs “ditch him and keep the dogs”.

amber763 · 31/05/2026 11:57

Id never pick a man over my dogs. When I got them, I made a commitment to them.

Anarchy99 · 31/05/2026 11:58

Dollysleftnip · 31/05/2026 11:54

I’ve met men who expect me to do that with my children. It comes as absolutely no surprise that your dogs are a problem in their minds.
Saying that as a parent, if you’ve got a dog that looks like it might eat my kid. I wouldn’t be keen to date you ?

Then the situation wouldn’t arise 🤷‍♀️

I actually know a woman who gave up her child for adoption because her partner wouldn’t marry her if she didn’t.

Thatcannotberight · 31/05/2026 11:58

Monty36 · 31/05/2026 10:13

Nowhere has she said that she cordoned off the lounge and bedroom at his request or say so. She may have done so because she felt she needed to do so.

She literally says she's done everything she can. The implication is that she's done it to keep him happy because he complains about the dogs. She's done it to try to keep the peace.

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/05/2026 11:58

BloodySoddingFlies · 31/05/2026 11:52

There are numerous instances of babies and young children being harmed or killed by dogs in the home. It’s quite simply not worth the risk and I wouldn’t allow it either

Not just babies and children either. Some adults too.

Loads of families have dogs without anyone getting hurt. I had a dog when I was a child, I had a dog when I had a child, she has had dogs with her own children. The cases you are thinking of hit the news because they are unusual.

Monty36 · 31/05/2026 11:58

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 11:49

Otherwise what, he would be in a mood or pass comments or give looks?

Control can be subtle.

That is just making things up to suit a narrative.

TheGreatDownandOut · 31/05/2026 11:59

He is completely in the wrong here. It would be different if you’d gone and got the dogs after he moved in when he didn’t want them, but that’s not the case here. They’ve been there since he has and as you say, he’s gone in with eyes wide open here.
Has he issued any ultimatums? Is he refusing to try for a baby unless you get rid of them first? It sounds like he has always wanted them to go, but it using this as an excuse to hurry it along. It’s not on.

Think carefully about having a baby with a man who keeps trying to pressure you into doing something that he does not want to do. I’d rather have no baby than a baby with the wrong person. I’d never dream of telling a partner to give up their dogs (although admittedly I am a dog lover and I would see the dogs as an added bonus to a relationship)

Dollysleftnip · 31/05/2026 11:59

Anarchy99 · 31/05/2026 11:58

Then the situation wouldn’t arise 🤷‍♀️

I actually know a woman who gave up her child for adoption because her partner wouldn’t marry her if she didn’t.

There are some absolute fucking weirdos out there. I have genuinely come across men on dating sites that have asked how old my youngest child was.
And then said oh good only four years to go till they move out then
Thinking the day he turned 18, he’d be out the door what the fuck?

DemelzaandRoss · 31/05/2026 11:59

Sorry, you are not life compatible with your Partner.
Keep your lovely dogs.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 31/05/2026 12:00

Dollysleftnip · 31/05/2026 11:59

There are some absolute fucking weirdos out there. I have genuinely come across men on dating sites that have asked how old my youngest child was.
And then said oh good only four years to go till they move out then
Thinking the day he turned 18, he’d be out the door what the fuck?

Edited

Crikey, some men are pure scum aren't they?

BreatheAndFocus · 31/05/2026 12:01

MyMonthlyNameChange · 31/05/2026 11:49

I bet he thought once he was under your roof and dangling the carrot of marriage and a baby in front of you, he could wear you down so that you’d eventually give the dogs up. So confident was he in your desperation to please him and his golden penis. I’m not surprised he’s disappointed to discover it was not the case.

But this is all on him. If he doesn’t like dogs and didn’t want to live with dogs, then he shouldn’t have moved into a home that has two large dogs! His choice is he puts up and shuts up or he moves back out.

If I were you I’d be thinking really seriously about whether to have a child with this man. If he’s jealous of your attention being on the dogs, he is likely to be jealous of a baby too. And you will probably end up doing everything for the dogs and the baby while he sulks because he can’t have it all his own way.

I agree with this. It’s fine if he doesn’t like dogs but it’s cruel of him to move in and then try to make you rehome them. He must know that you care about them, but he’s completely disregarding your feelings and pressurising you to get rid of them. I also agree he’s using a potential future baby as a threat/bargaining tool too.

I’d ask him to move back out frankly, and then reassess your relationship. He doesn’t care about your feelings and is knowingly trying to manipulate you. I feel sorry for the dogs, pushed out of areas of their home to make way for this selfish man.

Wheresthebeach · 31/05/2026 12:02

He just coming up with excuses to get rid of the dogs.

using a fictional baby as an excuse is low

MrsPottscloset · 31/05/2026 12:02

Massive red flag, he accepted the dogs until you started living together and is now putting pressure on you to re-home them. I think you need to get away from this controlling man. please don't have a baby with him.

wrongthinker · 31/05/2026 12:02

I think if it wasn't the dogs, it would be something else that would come around to demonstrate that you and this man just aren't meant to be together. He is clearly going to wear you down until you rehome the dogs. The next issue he tries to wear you down on, it will be easier because he knows what it takes, and you'll already be broken from this time. Do you want to be in a lifelong relationship with a man who is wearing you down, on any issue? He knew you had dogs and if it was such a dealbreaker for him, why is talking about kids with you? Because he thought, oh it's fine, I don't need to respect her or be honest about what I feel, I'll just wear her down til I get my own way. I wouldn't be surprised if he changes his minds about kids the same way he changed his mind about dogs.

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