AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

Keep the dogs. Ditch the guy.

i don’t think having a child will work with this guy - he will always be mentioning/digging at you about your dogs. I would keep my dogs - he shouldn’t have got involved with you if he wasn’t 100% happy with them.

I believe absolutely anyone would, no matter what people here claim.

No - not everyone would, thankfully. Some of us dont see animals as disposable commodities. If that makes us crazy then so be it. I’m happy to own the label.

There is indeed a bigger picture - the attitude of this man towards animals is deeply unattractive.

Dogs before boyfriend.
Rehome him not them.

100% hard agree! With this! ^

You see tales on here from women who claim that they are the much higher earner, (even whilst part time,) they have oodles of savings (mid 6 figures,) and a pension worth a million pounds, and they will in fact be FINE without their husband.

This is not the case for the vast majority of women. Most women will be in the situation that you describe.

I reckon that some people (not all but some) who have been together 25-30 years or more are still together because it was so difficult to leave because of finances. ie; if she left she would be on the bones of her arse, and needed his income (as well as hers, which is often smaller) to maintain her quality of life.

He stayed because he knows he would be on the bones of his arse if he is trying to support himself (and possibly a new woman/new family,) as well as having to hand over a sizeable chunk of his salary to his ex wife and children every month.

I see threads on here quite regularly from women who are in a new-ish relationship with a man who has an ex wife and children, and the OP is moaning about how he is having to give her some of his income for the upkeep of his children! Ridiculous. Do they expect the ex wife to 100% support herself and his children whilst he doesn't put his hand in his pocket - ever? LOL, as if! A message to the menz: Don't have children with any woman if you don't want a financial commitment for 18-20 years. FOR EACH CHILD. Whether you stay with their mother or not.

Yes, definitely re-home. You need to get your priorities right. The boyfriend has to go. Am sure someone will take him on if you’ve trained him reasonably well.

Hi @Forest28 I've read your posts only not the pages of replies.
What jumps out at me is that you're compatible in every other way but where you have differences he's being hugely unreasonable and that, to me, is a major red flag.

Relationships are wonderful when you both agree, the test comes when you don't and it's very telling how a man behaves when this happens - when he doesn't automatically get his own way.

I wouldn't have a child with a man who acts like this. His response to not getting his own way is to exert unrelenting and inflexible pressure. There's no compromised for him- god forbid he might have to take on some responsibility.

Plenty of men are 'great' dads but leave all the domesticity & drudgery to the woman. That he's protesting about the idea of extra work now suggests to me he'll have fixed ideas about who does what for the baby. And his free time will be oh-so-important and necessary for him.

And this is also a man with so little care for others that he's wanting you to first abandon your dogs and secondly doesn't seem to care about the emotional impact on you. If he thinks dogs are disposable, what else?

Personally, I'd also not want to start a family with (or marry) a person who is selfish enough to refuse to help with something which (or someone who) is not their responsibility. That's not someone with whom one's likely to have a mutually loving, caring and supportive relationship.

How does he react on other occasions where you don't capitulate or he doesnt get his way?

If you cant think of any, then its easy enough to test this. Choose a little thing and deny him his way (even if it would also be your way/choice) and see how it goes...

You don't just re-home pets. It would be an awful wrench. Obviously, having a child is the priority here, but who would you actually take your dogs, anyway?

I think he doesn't like having dogs. What's his attitude to animals in general? If you got rid of your dogs, how would that affect your relationship? If you felt resentful towards him, that wouldn't be a good start to parenting with him.

It's a difficult situation.

Regardless of dog or not dog, doggy person or not doggy person, he’s pressuring you relentlessly to do something you don’t want to do.
After the dogs, it will be something else.

He doesn’t want a compromise, he wants his own way. AND- is likely to be similarly inflexible about life with children.

Don’t do it.

Out of interest, whose house is it?

Hi op he thought by moving in together he would get more say. I would just say the dogs were here first you knew that and they won’t be here forever and if we have a child then we can review the situation but right now they stay.

I'd get rid of him before I got rid of the dogs.

Definitely pause on having a baby with him. Because if he's like this over something that he knows matters so much to you, what's he going to be like if other obstacles appear in your relationship that he's not on board with? Wear you down every time until you give in?

I presume your dogs had the run of the house before he moved in.
You've already allowed him to alter your life, the dogs aren't allowed in your living room. Unless he sits there alone and you are elsewhere with the dogs, he's already won.
It sounds like you want permission to rehome your dogs to please him.
I had a baby at 37 and still managed to look after 3 dogs.
Ask yourself how much of the domestic chores does he do that are not about the dogs. That's how much help you'll get when you have a baby. With or without dogs.

I wouldn’t give up my dogs, and I wouldn’t put a newborn at risk. So if there was any doubt then, yes I would. But I knew that was the decision when I got my dogs in the first place and it factored into that decision. It would also factor into any decision I made to start a relationship with someone with dogs.

The breeds were relevant when he decided if he wanted to live there. But whether they were XL bullies or teacup chihuahuas, it was their home before his.

It’s not unreasonable for the partner to say no we’re not getting a dog for the reasons he’s cited, but if you get into a relationship with someone with dogs then you should assume the dogs will be a reasonably big part of your life. Not entirely dissimilar to when people get into a relationship with someone with kids…

I’d be worried that this is a sign that if a future baby stops being convenient for him, he might find himself in another relationship where he phases out the relationship with his children too…

Youre struggling with that bit because your brain is telling you subconsciously this is a huge warning signs of things to come. Its manipulative. Wait until he's "got" you then show his true persona. Good people do not behave like that.

Totally stupid to say she MUST comply with his demands, why are his feelings the deal breaker? Why should any woman accept demands like that? Animals aren’t disposable, half decent people don’t just get rid of them

I'm not a dog person, but I had a cat who was like my first born and I never once contemplated getting rid of her when I had kids, and wouldn't have entertained the idea had my OH suggested it. I was surprised how many people seem to dispose of pets when they start a family. My cat was an integral part of the family and we all made adjustments when each baby arrived.

It's a tough situation if he's not a fan of the dogs, but assuming they aren't XL Bullies or similar, then I don't think you should consider removing them. Especially as it could take years before you have a baby.

My cat passed away last year, my kids were 7 and 2 and they both adored her as much as I did.

"But whether they were XL bullies or teacup chihuahuas"

These dogs would be equally inappropriate for a young baby. Interesting you chose these 2.

Why? Do you think an unmarried mother is vulnerable? It's mad to get married just be ause she wants a baby.

You can't get rid of dogs just because you might get pregnant. We're both of the age where it may not happen or may take years/fertility treatment. Then there's assuming issues with the dogs that may not happen. Then there's assuming this relationship will last and I won't give up my pets only for it to fail anyway. I don't see any concrete reason. If there became a concrete reason like a safety issue further down the line, that would be a different conversation. I've said I'm not preemptively doing this just because you don't like dogs.

What is his reasoning for asking you to rehome them? Do they bark all the time!
?

Taking the dogs out of the equation, he thinks his opinions trump yours, that’s the crux of this. I would not have a child with this man, as I can guess who will be doing all the work.

I bet he thought once he was under your roof and dangling the carrot of marriage and a baby in front of you, he could wear you down so that you’d eventually give the dogs up. So confident was he in your desperation to please him and his golden penis. I’m not surprised he’s disappointed to discover it was not the case.

But this is all on him. If he doesn’t like dogs and didn’t want to live with dogs, then he shouldn’t have moved into a home that has two large dogs! His choice is he puts up and shuts up or he moves back out.

If I were you I’d be thinking really seriously about whether to have a child with this man. If he’s jealous of your attention being on the dogs, he is likely to be jealous of a baby too. And you will probably end up doing everything for the dogs and the baby while he sulks because he can’t have it all his own way.

Otherwise what, he would be in a mood or pass comments or give looks?

Control can be subtle.

If you have a baby, you'll lose the dogs. He'll take full advantage of you being vulnerable and make sure they go.

Apart from what everyone else has said, I think you're in danger generally of trying to be so fair about responsibilities that you end up doing everything.

It just reminds me of one of my relationships when I had children and I let mum BF get away with doing absolutely nothing around the house because I figured that even if he wasn't there I'd be doing all the work. Then I felt very resentful. But ultimately he didn't bring anything to the relationship so it backfired and I kicked him out.

I'm not saying that would happen if you had children with him but it's the current situation with the dogs. You should be with someone who sees the dogs as a bonus.

The thing with dogs (and cats, actually), is that there is a range of behaviours they could display that shows they are not compatible with living with a baby.

At the worse end of the scale, you have aggressive behaviour that hurts the child or others. Biting etc.

But more commonly, you'll have new guarding and territorial issues or just plain misery in the animal. For instance, I knew if a cat who just wouldn't come back in the house once the baby was home. It was rehomed with a family member because it was obviously depressed and now felt homeless.

Some people sadly would only act on the former type. The type which gets someone physically hurt. As long as the pet was able to suppress that behaviour, they don't care if their quality of life has been diminished by the arrival of the kids.