AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

Haven't RTFT but what happens if/when he is the same with your child?

This

Your dogs were there first so they should stay. They are part of you.

I don’t like dogs either so I wouldn’t get together with someone who had two large ones.

Agree, that's awful 😞

The problem isn't that he doesn't want the dogs - the problem for me is that he lied and moved the goalposts. He let you think the dogs were okay, but as soon as you were locked into the relationship (moved in together) he is now trying to force you to give them up. That's not okay - it's manipulative and controlling. He knew how he felt bout the dogs all aong. Sadly, you have a stark choice - him or the dogs. This isn't a situation where either of you can compromise. If you are adamant that the dogs are staying, don't waste anymore time on this relationship, just walk away. Otherwise you are going to get more and more exhausted, frustrated and worn down by this constant issue. I think he thought that once he had his feet under the table, especially with the idea of a baby dangled in front of you, that you would capitulate instantly. Even if he decides that the dogs can stay, you will know that he's only doing it to keep you and will resent you for it. All of this could have been avoided if he had just been honest in the first place.

ETA - I know you think the relationship is great and your biological clock is ticking but you know that he does not like the dogs. That isn't something he'll just get over. If you go ahead knowing this, in the hope that he suddenly starts to love them, that's on you.

Is it balls

irrelevant.

They got together when the OP had dogs.

They were together for two years.

And now he’s moved in he’s started to control the narrative.

He can fuck off.

I’d rehome him.

Is he in the wrong? Nope
are you in the wrong @Forest28 ? Nope

should this have been thrashed out before you moved in together? Yes!

I think they aren't very knowledgeable about dogs. Those of us who have had dogs all our lives know that some very well balanced dogs are just not compatible with living with young children. They may not become dangerous or reactive, just very miserable and sometimes territorial. You can do all the right things to help your dog adapt, but they still might not be for that life.

Especially older dogs who have owners who got them at a time where children werent even on their mind so socialising them in a way that makes them flexible to living with children wasnt at all on their radar. They spent most of their time with their owner and their adult friends.

I'm not going to get rid of the dogs. That's the problem. He's just on at me so much about it that I'm questioning whether I'm a crazy dog person and he's the reasonable one

I sort of know how he feels. Having to live with dogs would really get on my nerves, but you now put a different complexion on it for me. If he's incessantly going on at you to rehome them then that's unacceptable.
I can understand you refusing to rehome them, obviously, and I can understand him realising that living with dogs is too much for him to tolerate despite his feelings for you. In his position I would never suggest you rehome them but I'd explain I couldn't continue to live with them and would have to move out. Not as a threat. As an apology.

Agree

pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

it is over.
So you can waste more time as your bio clock starts to scream at you even louder @Forest28 or you can accept that it’s over and move on

This is an utterly ridiculous comparison. They are not his dogs. Despite what he says to the contrary, he quite possibly doesn’t even like dogs. They do not belong to him and he is not responsible for them. Maybe that’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t make him incapable or unwilling to take care of his own baby. A baby that is wanted and planned by both of them.

The problem is that he already knew about the OP’s attachment to her dogs and seems to have no empathy towards her in this respect Even if he dislikes the dogs or is even just indifferent to them, he should at least be capable of understanding his partner’s devotion and commitment to them and not assuming that she can just re home them at the drop of a hat.

He didn’t have to, he made the choice. Fwiw I think the OP’s DP is wrong but you’re talking about grown adults making choices.

It’s not the same though.

OP had 2 dogs when they met, he proceeded with a relationship - his choice.
the conditions were he will have 2 dogs in their house when they live together.

he agreed, but then didn’t split responsibility or finances (fine with finances as they are hers. But as partners- you tend to help each other out don’t you? Otherwise what’s the point?

id drop a partner’s car off for MOT, pick up dry cleaning, do the food shop. I don’t just refuse to do anything that I deem to be ‘his’. And I think that’s the issue- he doesn’t want to fully engage with her life and now is pressuring her to get rid of them.
it’s not like he asked once and accepted the answer.

He's been very dishonest to pretend he likes dogs/your dogs when clearly he doesn't.

But now you're in this position you have to make the choice:
Keep the dogs
or
Keep the man + have a baby

The only option you don't have is to live happily ever after with man + baby + dogs, that clearly is not going to work.

My parents had to get rid of their dog when they had my brother as it started to snap and nip at my brother.

I have a friend who had to get rid of their dog when she had a baby as the dog was showing aggressive behaviour around the baby.

Neither of these were aggressive breeds.

The key think I’m getting from reading your replies is that he has moved the goalposts is how he deals with it. Whatever you decide to do, if you stay with him this is how life will be when he doesn’t like how something is going. At the moment he is focused on the dogs, later down the line it could be on your weight or on how the kid is behaving. He should never have moved in with you in the first place with this attitude to pets. You made it clear where the boundaries were and he is now trying to roll over them. Sorry, but as much as you say everything else is fine, I suspect it probably isn’t as a reasonable person would not attempt to exert their preferences on a clearly defined pre existing situation.

You could have a child with him and keep the dogs, as you say, see how it goes. I’m sure they will be fine, especially as they are older, but he won’t be fine and you may find his attitude totally repels you by that point so you may end up co parenting in separate dwellings anyway. If you think he would be a sounds co parent and you are happy for that arrangement then you have you answer. As bleak as this may sound I would always advise any woman contemplating having children to imagine how the potential father would be as a co parent, as there is a strong likelihood this is where things can end up. Ultimately assuming you are not a pattern repeater, I would follow your gut. If it feels wrong, don’t do it, any of it.

This with bells on. A massive MASSIVE red flag. Please don't rehome your dogs.

Cleaner than the average toddler

The average toddler doesn't crap in the garden or lick its own arse.

Predictable though on a dog thread. Small humans being compared, negatively, to dogs.

My BF is highly allergic to almost everything 😁 including dogs and cats. I had two cats when we met and initially, he was really unsure whether we could continue due to his allergies. He dosed up a little to start and thankfully, he has somehow adjusted to their presence and doesn't have the same problems. But my cats were non-negotioble and he never once suggested them leaving in favour of him staying.

It's been genuinely wonderful watching him bond with my cat (sadly, one died last year) as he's never been able to be close to one before - it makes me love him so much when he actively encourages her onto his lap or has a little conversation with her when she's being a bit needy.

The fact your DP won't even interact with two members of your household (which your dogs absolutely are!) beyond having a moan and an occasional pat would make me really sad. I know you've said the dogs are staying and other than this, he's wonderful but I don't understand how he can remain so completely aloof from them when he's basically living with them?

Please keep us updated @Forest28

the only reason I’d rehome my dog would be if they ever became dangerous. My dog is 9 now and the sweetest and most gentlest creature. I’d sooner get rid of my dh than my dog (and I know my dh feels the same).
i wouldn’t marry this man and I wouldn’t have a dc with him either. He’s priming you so that when you have a dc he can complain (which you’re tired etc) ‘well you were the one who said you could handle two dogs and a baby’. Then the relationship will collapse and you’ll be left with all 3.

I’d question your statement “I love my cats” if you don’t think pets are important, and would have got rid of them if your partner didn’t want them.

That isn’t love. I guess it’s fondness, affection - but not love.

I hate dogs and even I say rehome the man. He is controlling. He knows the dogs came as part of the package and now he’s trying to move the goalposts. Dogs are for life, they shouldn’t be got rid of on a whim.

Do NOT try for a baby with this man. What if the baby becomes an inconvenience, will he want to rehome it too? Also, he’s controlling in one aspect of your relationship, soon he will be controlling in more. Sorry OP, I don’t think this is the man for you. Please don’t have a baby with him just because you think you might not find someone else to have a baby with.