AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

Yes. It is rage bait a lot of the time, people on 'rough' estates with status dogs they've clearly never bothered to train.

And let's not forget that a lot of babies are killed by men too.

He's got a nerve as it's not even his home!

If someone asked me to rehome my beloved dog that would be the end of the relationship.

What do you love?

Imagine if you loved running, you've always loved running and you jog everyday and do marathons. You've been running for twenty years or more. You get a bf who isn't keen on running but knows it's your passion. You move in together and he nags and nags that you're always running, so you cut it down to just 2 evenings a week as a compromise but then he continues to nag and wants you to stop completely.

This is what OP is facing but with dogs not running.

He clearly doesn’t like dogs and that’s ok in general and is why he doesn’t interact with them and that’s fine again.

No point in comparing how someone who doesn’t like a pet is with said pet vs how they might be as a parent. For that you want to look at how involved he is with the other house stuff.

The bit op needs to understand is if she stays with him because she loves him and wants babies he will not step up with the dogs.

He isn’t going to suddenly pick up their poo because you had a section when he could hold the baby instead. He is telling you the dogs are yours and 100% 24/7 your responsibility.

If he is a loving partner and pulls his weight in all areas other than the dogs are you’re ok accepting that he won’t ever help to get your baby.

The problem here is him "going on at you". I assume you have been clear that a) the dogs are staying, and if he can't accept you as a package he moves on, and b) you have had enough of him "going on at you" and if he doesn't cut it out, you will move on yourself.

He needs to put up or shut up as the saying goes. Continual nagging is too corrosive to be part of your ongoing journey together (or if needs be, apart). It needs to stop.

This, as so many discussions, is not a dog issue but a partner issue.

I think you’re missing the point. Dogs are pact animals and have emotional needs. Having a new born baby would change that. They clearly have a lot of care already. There is no way any woman can carry that on with a new baby. Dogs aren’t just a pet, they require training and preparation for a baby. It needs to come from them both.

If he sees looking after dogs to be something he can opt-out of, who's to say he wouldn't be the same with a baby?

I'd definitely re-home him; not sure he'll find a woman willing to take him if he doesn't like dogs. I would choose a dog over most humans.

@Forest28 As someone with a dog which is very much a family member, you’re not being unreasonable. He knew about the dogs and didn’t make rehoming them a condition of you moving in together. Don’t feel the need to give in to this.

He’d be gone. Love me love my dogs. If not. Bye bye.

And that is why it is ok to say to someone that you aren't prepared to take on the commitment of 2 dependent beings (which is what pets are) as well as have a baby.

It makes more sense to say yes to a snake owner (and commit to the actually minimal care a snake needs) than a dog owner (because dogs are bloody needy!).

Sorry but in your shoes it would be a case of ‘love me, love my dogs’. You had them first. They think you are their ‘mum’. How could you ever consider getting rid of them just because a selfish and probably jealous man wants you to.

Keep the dogs they haven't done anything wrong and love you unconditionally. X

The dogs arent his. He didnt consent and commit to them as puppies. He didnt adopt them.

This man already hates you. No one who loved a person would try and force you in to giving up something you love.
He isn’t for you. He doesn’t love you. Get rid of him. Nasty nasty man

Someone else's dogs, that he was never that keen on, compared to his own child. It isn't really the same thing.

I don’t think yabu at all, but personally i wouldn't stay with someone who would treat my animals like that.
i would never date anyone that would ask me to ditch my pets, id ditch them without question.
yes my pets my responsibility, but to not even interact with them? What about if you’re sick, will he just leave? What happens when you’re not watching, how does he treat them?
i’d worry if you did try/have a baby if he would try to force your hand.

This is a ridiculous post

Well if the OP has a kid with him, I guess she will find out

I'm really struck in this thread how dog people are convinced this man is an abusive arsehole, despite the fact he is not and OP does not think he is not.

There was a thread a while ago where there was a couple who had spent a life together and raised grown children who had left home. The H decided he wanted a dog. OP did not but finally agreed on the grounds he looked after the dog. He got a dog. The dog was very destructive, destroying her beloved garden and making her feel she had to hide away from it in her own home. After six months she told her H how she felt and asked him to rehome the dog. His reply was ' I would rather get rid of you than the dog.'

There was a notable lack of posters accusing this H of being manipulative by pressurising OP to get a dog despite knowing she did not want them. Compare and contrast that to this thread. Dog person persuades non-dog person to have a dog in their home and then values dog over life partner- not manipulative or abusive. Non-dog person wants dog person not to have dogs in their home - manipulative and abusive.

The H in the thread got support from dog people who said they would do the same. They agreed that throwing away a life time of marriage, the person you raised children with, for a dog of six months was reasonable and justified. I felt this was shocking.

Anyway, I am bowing out of this thread now. I feel this thread has moved from the reasonable people saying OP on this thread has an incompatibility issue to the extreme dog people on the previous thread I mentioned who think in all and every circumstance a relationship with a dog trumps a relationship with fellow humans, and that anyone who tries to disrupt that is obviously the scum of the earth.

He resents your dogs and wants them gone, he wasn't truthful with you. So you have a choice and if it was me, he'd be the one to go. Don't get pregnant with him as you will never ever hear the end of it with your dogs and he might take it upon himself to remove them from the home anyway...

There is no way he's going to allow them near a child of his, this isn't going to work.

Yeah YANBU.
but YABU to think you could have a kid together and he would be different. Currently ypu have dogs which depend on you, like children do, and you have to put their needs first eg ypu have to walk them even if you’re tired/it’s raining. It’s different obvs but same for children- up early whether you want to be, broken nights sleep for an unknown period of time depending on what type of kid ypu birth.

if he can’t even sacrifice time to look after a dog, which is frankly way easier than a newborn/toddler- I really don’t think he shows the sort of selflessness ypu need as a parent. I suspect you would take on all the burden regardless of your dogs.

honestly he’s supposed to be your partner, after 2 years if he doesn’t love the dogs too and care for them it’s weird. I would honestly start over. I don say it lightly but it is really tricky having a kid, mental load, house etc. you don’t need to do it with a selfish person- it will be even worse.

He’s so lucky to have you 🙄

I can’t believe you made him do that.