AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

This is a great summary and the two sides will never agree.

To the non-dog people it will always just be a dog and we will never understand why it is being prioritised above human relationships.

I think he’s showing you what kind of father he’d be. Doesn’t want to pitch in and doesn’t understand responsibility. Does he do anything else around the house? I get that not everyone is a dog person but it’s weird to think that you’d try to convince someone to rehome their own dogs where there’s no issue - non dog lovers still understand you take on a responsibility. If a baby came along and they demonstrated they were unsafe then that’s a different conversation. You said they’re big but common family pets - are we talking labs, retrievers?

No it isn't. Lots of people think pets are not very important and place far more value on human relationships. I love my cats but if DH hadn't wanted them I would absolutely have chosen him over pets!

I think it depends. If he has made either clear there will be no baby with him while the dogs are around but OP keeps talking about the time issue, then it is fair for him to say that you know my conditions and having the dogs and a baby isn't acceptable to me. So if time is an issue, and we can't await "natural events", then they need to be rehomed in order for me to go forward with TTC.

I'm sorry but this is mental on acid.

He just isn't bothered by dogs. Its not a character flaw. He could accept moving in with OP but doesn't want the work of her dogs. If I moved in with someone with horses I would be sorely unimpressed if he expected me to take on more of the household chores because he looked after his horses.

He thinks a baby and dogs is too much. Its a reasonable position from a normal human being.

This is a tale of two normal reasonable people with a lifestyle incompatibility. It is not a tale of a nice dog lady and a cold abusive arsehole bastard. Get a grip people.

Do not have a baby with this man. If he doesn’t understand how important the dogs are to you then he doesn’t understand you.

OMG that is one of the most adorably romantic things I have ever heard (and I’m a firm cynic about romance usually 😆)

You both sound fab 😬

I'd be interested to know the story of you moving in together too. He may have made it look like an adult commitment-based decision.

I hope, sincerely hope I am wrong! But I suspect it wasn't.

The abusive arsehole bit stems from him wanting OP to rehome the dogs.

If you can’t handle dogs, don’t date someone who has them

This is it for me too
The dogs are a red herring..

OP loves something and holds that 'thing' in high regard, of importance to her as a person. He knew that..he doesn't care. 🚩🚩🚩

Haha after 13 years with mr so wrong it hurts then 7 years on my own I was a massive cynic too! I’m as soppy as marshmallow fluff now!!!

Oh wow a snake is very different from a large dog, never mind two, clearly never been a dog owner before?

I wouldn't want giant dogs in my home, so guess what? I don't date people with giant dogs! It's a deal-breaker for me and it means we are incompatible, so I just swerve people who have a lot of animals

This. He maybe thought he could live with it for the love of op but the reality is it's making him miserable. Even though I couldn't live with a dog I think he's being unreasonable. He'll just have to move out.

Don't have kids with this man.
I'm not sure you should have a relationship with him.

Untangle.

LOL are you on the wrong site?

(joke😏)

I had this exact same issue with a previous partner. Now I use acceptance of my dogs as a way to weed out the men who I simply am not compatible with. One said to me “I’m struggling to put up with dog A” (who was just old and slow). That was a very easy decision to make. Don’t settle for less than what you (and your dogs!) deserve!

I am very much a dog person. I just understand that they are really just a pet. There is no reason that this should apply to partners with one type of pet but not another. You're more likely to be hurt by a dog than a snake for instance. So is the baby.

I am showing that the bias is about cuddly pups and not actually about whether it is okay to decide you don't want a baby with someone who has dependents, even if you did consent to moving in with them.

It sounds like you’ve been very reasonable and have gone out of your way to deal with any issues the dogs cause in the house. Now that your DP has run out of practical excuses, he is using the excuse of a baby, which is really manipulative. I think you need to stop being accommodating and be really firm. Call out his BS and his manipulation and tell him to stop. And as others have said, think very hard about whether you want to have a baby with this person. And I say all of this as neither a dog owner or lover. But you can absolutely look after your dogs and a baby.

I think dating and even moving in is a different step to co-parenting.

Of course that is your absolute right. But this man claimed to accept OP's dogs when he obviously had no intention of accepting them. That is dishonest and controlling.
Tragically yes, there have been cases of children killed by dogs. Sadly this is often because the dogs' owners are absolute twunts and do things like leave babies and small children alone with dogs/do not supervise/acquire dogs which are totally unsuited to family life.

I'd reserve red flags for folk who think large dogs and babies in a household is a good idea. It isn't. As numerous tragic incidents have proved.

Same for me. And picking up dog poo is vomit inducing.

I went for a run with a man and his dog and his dog did a big poo at the start which he picked up in a bag and carried on the run. This meant the entire run smelt of the poo coming from the bag. It was gross. That finalised my decision to never get a dog. 😂

Then you aren't an animal lover but you are fickle.

He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure
So he falsely portrayed something in order to move into your house. A great guy wouldn't do this. A great relationship doesn't include lies and conniving.

What happens when you have kids and they become an inconvenience for him?

Get rid of the dogs then but it's likely he will then focus on something else he wants you to change

That's not necessarily true. We don't know him. Not liking dogs isn't a character flaw. He should have thought harder before moving in though, perhaps he thought he could tolerate them but finds he can't. That's not a character flaw either.