AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

This thread really highlights the fundamental difference between dog people and non dog people.

Dog people are horrified at the suggestion someone might expect you to choose a human relationship over dogs.

Non dog people cannot fathom that you might choose the dogs over a human partner.

To be honest op, you aren't going to be compatible. Even if you think you won't replace these dogs, if you are a dog person and used to having them around, you'll get the dog itch again at some stage, and your partner won't ever want to get one.

I think some dog people assume non
-dog people would like/learn to love dogs if they just have one for a bit. Nope. If you don't like dogs you don't like dogs, and living with one can make you dislike them even more.

You and your partner are compatible in all things, but the dogs are an issue - so you're not really compatible, and bringing a child into the mix is only going to make things worse. He will put you under even more pressure to get rid of your dogs and use the presence of the child to bolster whatever arguments he presents to achieve his goal.

The issue of the dogs will only fester - and if you do stay with him and somehow manage to keep the dogs, you have to consider whether you foresee a future without a dog in your life, because when your dogs eventually shuffle off this mortal coil it's highly unlikely you'll be allowed to replace them.

Heavens, OP, why would you even contemplate breeding with this pillock? Of course he is allowed to not like dogs but he accepted you and your dogs as a package and has been trying ever since to get rid of them. That is dishonest and very controlling, not so much a red flag as an enormous, bloody great red banner! Get rid of him. Find somebody who is not dishonest and not a control freak. Failing that, consider parentage on your own if it is very important to you.

I dont think you both are compatible. I personally wouldn't want to bring a newborn anywhere near large dogs. This should have all been resolved before he moved in, and if i were him i wouldnt budge on this either. His mistake was thinking that he could pressure you into rehoming the dogs once he had moved in. This should have been resolved either way long before he moved in. You are not being unreasonable to stand your ground on this one, and he is not unreasonable to stand his ground on this one too, and possibly end the relationship. Perhaps its best if you both find someone else as partners, but i hope no one agrees to bring a newborn into the picture as long as you have large dogs with you. Then it will be up to you to decide what is more important to you - a baby or large dogs.

It's why we don't have a dog. I quite like dogs, but I'm not prepared to give a dog the commitment and time that owning a dog requires.

Also be wary of him saying he wants a baby to get you to rehome the dogs. Who's to say he won't suddenly change his mind. Imagine how you'd feel knowing you lost them for nothing. I agree with the person who said pressuring you to part with them is ignoring your love for them. This isn't a good man who will naturally turn into a good dad. Relaxation with the dogs v stress with the wuss.

If only there were more considerate people like you 😊

What a horrible person. I would not be reproducing with someone with such a red flag. 🚩

There are a few real red flags here - I think you are far more rose tinted on your relationship than you realise.

1. He accepted a move in with you, knowing you had dogs and agreed to that. Therefore he should also have accepted equal responsibility for the household chores. He shouldn't have moved in if he wasn't prepared to undertake some of the tasks involved with the dogs, or balance it out with other mundane tasks.
2. He claims to love and accept the dogs but his behaviour belies this. You can expect this duplicity elsewhere in the relationship.
3. You have repeatedly stated your intentions regarding the dogs but he continually challenges and puts pressure on. You can expect him to challenge your boundaries on other issues.
4. He clearly wants to only engage on household matters that suit him. Dogs are such a temporary part of our lives in the grand scheme of things, it would not have been so difficult for him to suck it up and take some responsibility for the pets as part of his partnership with you, knowing that they would not be forever and the plans you both have for the future. His inability to take this temporary responsibility does not bode well for the future. He is likely to continue to only engage with the bits that suit him, irrespective of what needs and requires to be done.
5. You say he would be a great dad - based on what? So far he shows you that he will not do the less desirable things, the responsibilities that need doing but are not as enjoyable and rewarding. This comes with children too! So yeah, maybe he'll be a great Disney dad with all the nice stuff as long as you are there to pick up the slack with the shit tasks.

This really isn't about the dogs at all. He has shown that he is not an equal partner and has little respect for your boundaries and that his needs and desires are more important than yours.

As others have already said - he is telling you who he really is. The clues are there. IMHO this man is not good father material. Cut your cloth accordingly.

Also this. What is next? The baby disturbs him in some way so it goes in the attic?

People who don't want to live with dogs aren't unkind or incapable of love and caring. They just don't like dogs. It's not a sign of anything untoward.
Having said that, now he's discovered he doesn't want to live with them or have a baby with them around he should move out.

You are NOT a crazy dog person - you are a serious, responsible, caring adult.
This man, on the other hand, does not appear to be any of those things, or to understand what that would even look like. :(
Rehome him!

He's not necessarily gaslighting her.

He may not dislike dogs. As in actively dislike them.

He is probably just not bothered by them at all and so does not want them around or taking up space in his world.

There are lots of things I don't actively dislike but I still don't want to have to look after them or have them in my home, let alone look after them whilst also looking after a baby.

I think dog and non-dog people have difficulty understanding each other.

l'm somewhere in the middle. I don't have a dog but I enjoy other people's. I would be happy with a boyfriend with a dog but having a baby and a dog would be a step far too far. I can see where both the BF and OP are coming from.

He has no intention of doing both and giving it a try and he isn’t going to stop going on at you about it. He obviously intended for you to get rid of the dogs when you moved in together because it’s funny how it wasn’t an issue beforehand and yet it is now that you’re tied together with a house. You now need to decide whether you can put up with that sort of pressure or not.

Each to their own, I would rather take my chances with a cat on the bed than a snotty, drooling, germ riddled toddler with a manky nappy 😬

It is a very good example.

Males of a lot of species harm young that isn't theirs. Humans are absolutely no exception--look at the stats! Many, many babies and children are killed and injured at 'step dads' hands.

This man is controlling, OP. He probably had no intention of living with dogs and thought that as you told him you loved him youd change your mind once you realised how amazing living with him was. I wouldn't be at all surprised (sadly) if he mistreated and/or got rid of the dogs once you were in hospital due to pregnancy/birth.

You cannot trust him and I would have a bbay alone before one with a man who does not understand love, commitment and responsibility.

For goodness sake, why no baby and large dogs? What do you think is going to happen? I have always had large dogs, since before I had children. No child has been bitten or knocked over or even growled at. I have grandchildren now, neither of them have been bitten, growled at or knocked over either.

I'm not even sure it's about the dogs.
He's trying to change something about her that she made clear from the start.
What's next on his list?

It’s a massive character flaw to expect someone to give up their pets though

I’m not a doggy person but you are not wrong here, he chose to be with you in first place, he shouldn’t of got this serious with you if the dogs are a deal breaker, totally unreasonable to make you rehome them now. I wouldn’t trust him as a dad to your future kids, if he gets fed up, he’ll just leave you, what if you want more dogs later down the line, he’ll say no. I don’t think he’s well suited for you.

Do we know that actually it didnt go more like this:

• they agree they'd like to move in together. Partner isn't keen on dogs but will LIVE with them. Babies are on the cards at some point. They know they both want kids.

• they move in, and then OP understandably wants to TTC, partner is saying not with the dogs around. I don't want my newborn in the house with dogs.

• they both understand the time limit on the conceiving, but partner isn't going to budge on the newborn-with-dog thing.

He probably says he likes the dogs because he knows op loves them, and he wants to be with op. If he said "to be honest op, I can't stand dogs, ive just put up with them because I dont want to lose you" op would probably be unhappy that he didn't like them. He clearly does not like dogs.

He just wants to be chosen over the dogs. From the perspective of a non dog person, its completely mad that someone would risk losing a boyfriend they love & are planning kids with, for the sake of a dog. His mistake is that op is not a non dog person, & sees it as completely unreasonable the suggestion she might be made to choose.

There are numerous instances of babies and young children being harmed or killed by dogs in the home. It’s quite simply not worth the risk and I wouldn’t allow it either.

How will ypu feel when its your child he is doing this to?

Because trust me when I tell you I have seen it and sometimes with "good men" who tout themselves as family orientated.

I have 2 kids so am not trying to put you off but have your eyes open going in.
The women i know with shit partners who are coping oaky and the ones who expected their husbands to be useless.
The ones who thought they were "a team" are struggling badly.

(My kids are 4 and 2 and I work FT for ref)

I initially only messaged him because of the photo of him and his cat! I’d viewed his profile and thought cor he’s a bit of alright! But then saw he lived 90 miles away so thought that’s a no go then saw a photo of him and his cat and the angle of the photo the cat looked just like my dearly beloved and sadly deceased soul cat so I messaged him just saying I know this won’t go anywhere because of the distance but just wanted to say hi and can’t believe I’ve found my cats dopplganger and the rest so they say is history and here we are 5 years later married!!!! So the cats on the bed conversation was an important one and would have been a deal breaker for both of us.

Ridiculous isn’t it! The hysteria about dogs on here is batshit! I don’t particularly like then (and there are some breeds I can’t touch because of a specific phobia about their coats) but plenty of people are capable of having both