AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

My foster mum is on her way. She was a bit cross I hadn’t told her and said she would stay with me if she had known.
I can’t give him ultimatums or demand he comes back because that’s what happened before when he was on holiday and I was ill asking him to come back. He and his parents said I was being controlling and abusive. I’m not fighting anymore for him to pick us. I will chat with my fm tonight about it.

Your MIL is a trouble making tinker. It's great that your foster mum is coming to support you.

Good luck.

If its a fight for him to pick you then you have your answer- he cares more about his family than you and that is wrong, my OH comes before my parents/siblings and he is the same with me, when you marry someone and have kids with them they then become your family and come first.

That’s great that your foster mum is coming round. She obviously cares for you and your baby a lot. Open up to her, she’ll want to support you and will have your best interests at heart.

It wouldn’t have been unreasonable to ask him to stay even if you had a completely straightforward vaginal delivery never mind a traumatic emergency C section.
I wouldn’t have wanted to travel and stay overnight 3 weeks after my first baby, and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to be left alone for the whole weekend, and I didn’t even have a c section.

Your DH should have stood up to his mum over this. I think I would feel like asking him not to bother coming back.

You are unfortunately married to a man child , this won’t improve as he obviously allows his mother to bully you .

Leave him, OP. He’s showing you that you are simply not a priority. You’ll have to learn to co-parent and probably end up 50/50 as the baby gets older and is weaned, but it’s better than being married to a man who doesn’t actually give a shit about you. You’re only married to him because you got pregnant. Neither of you actually chose this. It isn’t a marriage.

No way would my DH do this after 3 weeks PP.
Your MIL sounds awful if this is true.

Your husband actually wanted to be married to you. My partner wouldn’t do this either, but again, we chose to be together (not married as I have kids from before so we don’t want to mix assets). But, we chose to commit to each other.

The OP is married for appearance’s sake. He didn’t actually want it marry her, and he is behaving exactly like that. She needs to get strong, stand up for herself and leave. Figure out the co-parenting and make sure she gets a job if she doesn’t have one.

Bless you, you sound lovely and you deserve a lot better. Your h is being pathetic and his mum is toxic. His priority should be YOU. His mum sounds like a nasty bully with that custody remark.

I’m glad your foster mum is coming over to support you - you deserve it. YABU to want your h’s help and support.

What’s he like when he’s home? does he do his share?

I’m so glad your foster mum is on her way to help you. This made me so mad reading it.

Your dickhead other half needs to grow a spine. You and the baby are his family now, he should be putting you first and blooming protecting you from the mil, good lord she sounds unhinged.

Hope you get some good rest this weekend

That sounds like an excellent plan.

Talk it through with her. Listen to what she has to say.

Your DHs mum sounds cruel. Your DH married you, not his mother, so he needs to decide who is more important. He should never have chosen his mum over you and the baby.

Lots of things here.

Firstly I an EMCS with my ds but would have been fine with my DP going to the party.

However you aren’t fine with it and so he should have said.

Well he did say but I wouldn’t blame your MIL for him going - that was his choice. He’s a father now. He needs to grow a backbone and make the right decision regardless of outside pressure. Unless of course he used that as an excuse to go and was pretending it was pressure from MIL? Either way the decision to go was entirely his - they didn’t kidnap him.

lastly it’s how that conversation came up. Why would MIL think you were having problems? Again your DH probably has a huge part to play in that and he should have loudly stated to everyone listening that she was wrong, you’re a great mum, he’s very lucky to have got away for the party etc.

MIL may be an overbearing witch. But your DH has autonomy over his own decisions.

Glad you’re getting some real life support. Look after yourself

Your foster mum sounds like a great person to have in your corner, I'm glad you told her what's going on.
Sorry your husband isn't standing up for you.

Myself and my DH were invited to a very close and long time family friend's (of my family) wedding when our first born was 3 weeks old. I had a forceps birth with episiotomy so was still a bit tender. My entire family were attending this wedding and the groom's family are like family to us.

My mother and father offered significant support if we wanted to go.

I was not ready to go anywhere that involved any sort of inconvenience or stress. I thought I would be, but I just wasn't. I was anxious, still a bit sore, overwhelmed by the changes to my life and the weight of my new responsibilities and needed to stay home and look after my baby. My DH fully supported me and we didn't go.

Two weeks later he was due to fly to Spain to attend the wedding of two close friends. He had booked flights when I was pregnant with my full support. He ended up cancelling because I just wasn't ready. We were both a bit devastated but it's just how it was. He knew I needed him and didn't begrudge me or our son, that.

Your DH should have stayed OP, and you MIL should have fully supported you both. If it's true that she has said those things, then take care.

Recoveries can vary so much.

My first instinct is to get checked out by the Dr as your levels of discomfort are raising major red flags for me. Mine were planned sections, but past the first 3 days or so, if have been comfortable enough physically to do this if I'd wanted to.

Based on my recovery, if have either been going or sending him off with my blessing.

But, I've seen first hand from a close relative with a different surgery how much an average recovery time can vary, and how important it is to be guided by your body.

Glad your FM is on her way. The thing is it shouldn’t be a competition. I’ve never made dh choose me or his family and he neither. We are lucky in that both our families are supportive and dh’s would have handed his arse to him on a plate if he done what yours did. Similarly if he had had an operation and I’d swanned off mine would have handed me mine.

best of luck.

Completely agree - MIL is a complete disgrace, that’s the only word for it

Listen to your FM, she has your back and also has had additional training to spot issues and be supportive. Listen to her advice and let her mother you

I had a c - section asleep as we were both in trouble. It was the worst thing I have experienced. I was emotionally raw for months after..

I can't believe your husband left you at 3 weeks in and at least not arrange someone to come and stay with you. You are at your most vulnerable and he hasn't put you first.

And who are these people telling you to watch your back. They should be telling MIL to fuck right off.

Hope you are ok op. Time is needed to heal - physically and emotionally. Xx

Unfortunately, it's perfectly possible to be a healthcare professional AND an ignorant dick.

Glad foster mum is coming to your rescue. Give her a huge hug from all us mumsnetters who are rooting for you 💗

Sorry to be blunt OP, but your DP would not have gone if he cared about you and the baby. He'd basically be like if mummy doesn't get this that's her problem.

I am so so sorry. You basically got forced into marriage because you fell pregnant. And your husband isn’t even around to support you!

He shouldn’t want to leave you if not necessary. And a party is not something that he needs to go to.

They are using words therapy words to make you look like the bad guy when it’s them.

Please speak to your health visitor or midwife. Tell them everything. They are there to help and try and get you the support you need.

I am so pleased you have a good relationship with your foster mum and that she will be there for you. I hope she can be there still when your husband comes home. It might stop him from saying things to you that he otherwise might.

I would very seriously reconsider this relationship. They will not give custody or even overnights to him when they are so young.