AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Family first, always. By family I mean you, husband and baby. You're MIL meeds to back off and your husband needs to grow a backbone. You deserve a medal OP! Take care xx

I would not be giving his manipulative mother the satisfaction and would call him, get him home. He needs to step up and care for his wife and child.

Please tell your foster Mum, hopefully she is close enough to come visit and help out a bit.

It sounds like your DH hasn’t cut the apron strings/ they leave & cleave bit of the marriage vows.

Seems your husband hasn't cut the embolic cord

I mean, I would ring him and say the doctor has said complete bedrest and that you need someone to look after you and the baby based on medical advice - so unfortunately he needs to come home immediately.

I don't mean to be rude but is he special needs?

It sounds like he can't do anything without his parents telling him what to do first? It's like he passes every big decision onto them?

Please tell your foster mum.
she sounds lovely & would want to know and give you some emotional support.

people like your MIL and DH thrive on people feeling guilty, unreasonable & questioning their own needs - isolating yourself from other people who care about you really won’t help matters. Keep open, keep talking - and even if your foster mum gets cross, listen to her, she CARES about you & your baby, she has your best interests in mind. If that feels difficult to hear , it suggests some hard, uncomfortable truths about your in laws & DH. Please don’t push away or avoid sharing with the person who has you back - it only serves those who do not have your interests at heart.

MIL plotting to take your baby away with DH is especially cruel given your care background. DH is the unfit one, not you. Keep talking to people who can support you, keep these experiences recorded by others like HV or GP.
Treat yourself to something nice to eat this weekend if you can manage it. Take care

DH problem and MIL problem. Your main issue is the DH. If he’s doing this when you’ve just had your first baby together, it’s not going to get any better. Sorry. I don’t really have any advice except prepare for it to get worse and him always to put you and your child last. My DH wouldn’t have dreamt of doing that but my MIL would have been the first one to tell her son to look after the family he’s created as a priority.

Is there a back story, you asked if he could divorce ans apply for custody on this, he can do that at any time, he won’t get it.

but the question is why do you think he would?

No woman would leave her husband 3 weeks post major surgery and expect him to look after a newborn as well. Men would never be expected to do that.

He sounds selfish, spineless and pathetic. If he can't put yours and your baby's health and wellbeing first now, at 3 weeks, he's never going to put either of you first, ever.

I was planning on going to my friend's wedding two days after my due date! DS arrived on time and we were still in hospital, so we couldn't go, but my friend was aware and had a back up plan if I couldn't make it.

Congratulations on your baby, you sound like a wonderful mother who is doing a fantastic job. I was lucky enough not to need a c section, but I would not have wanted to go to a family bbq even for a day, let alone a weekend with a bf 3 week old. No, your DH would not get custody. Don’t worry about that. Your DH has prioritised his mum over you and your newborn. I’m not sure I could forgive that. But for the time being you need to concentrate on yourself and your baby. Your foster mum sounds supportive, reach out to her, she will want to help. My best advice would be to build your own army. Join some baby groups, make some new friends, build your army / support network up. Being a mum is hard, no one is perfect and you will make mistakes. Don’t let your DH or mil make you feel bad at all. You are doing a great job.

OP it made me so sad reading this. I am also 3 weeks postpartum after an emergency c-section and I can’t imagine my husband leaving me alone to cope, I’m still also really sore. It is major abdominal surgery and the first few weeks are awful.

Your MIL sounds horrible. Please don’t worry about this meaning he can get custody should you split- I think it’d be the opposite, any sane person would see your husband is the one who has failed here. I’d show him this thread if I were you to help him understand.

Well if it came to a custody battle, I’d a hope a court would not look fondly on a parent leaving a three week old at all, much less leaving them with someone they don’t believe can cope. The fact that you are coping alone with the baby after major surgery makes you a better parent than the man who left you alone to do it in my mind.

Your foster mum sounds very supportive and she is right to be mad about the holiday. She is someone who you can confide in so I suggest you contact her as she clearly sees what you are going through.

Oh and reach out to your foster mum. Don’t let him isolate you from your support network at the same time as refusing to be your support network. He deserves to be judged for his actions, and if you haven’t had a childhood of having good, supportive relationships being role modelled to you then it’s important to have someone pointing out what to me are the obvious red flags with your DH.

What a fucking bunch of wankers him and his family sound. I would tell him not to bother coming back

mother and son both v v unreasonable. Might just do 2/3 hours if it was quite close but not a chance the full weekend.

What a horrible family they are - selfish party goer of a DH, shit stirrer and pantomime villain of a MIL if that’s true.
You’re coping brilliantly BUT you should get on bubble right now and get a babysitter to come over and give you a had tonight and tomorrow so you don’t over do it. DH can pay.

In answer to your question, no your DH would not have a case to get custody of your child because you asked him not to go away for the weekend when you were 3 weeks post c-section. Your MiL is a deluded bully. I hope your DH stands up to her and puts his family first. Take good care of yourself because that is what is best for your baby.

He shouldn't have gone away and left you and your MIL should not have put him under emotional pressure to leave you. You and the baby should take priority.

Just to reassure you, there's absolutely no way he'd get custody just because you were nervous to be left alone to look after the baby 3 weeks after major abdominal surgery! If anything, he's the one who looks bad, leaving you and the baby to swan off to stay in a hotel for a party. His family sound bloody awful. If I were you, I'd keep your distance from them, especially as they've treated you so badly. They should be encouraging him to take care of you. His mother sounds like a nasty bitch 😡

Please reach out to your foster mum, you need her support. And get an appointment with your GP next week if the pain is still bad, you need to be checked over. Take it easy and don't do anything except the essentials. Order in food and rest as much as you can 💐

your baby CANNOT be taken away because you asked its father to help you while you were recovering from a c section.

rhe only person this makes look like a bad parent is your DH for abandoning you.

you have the right to say ‘come home tomorrow first thing please’

My OH wouldn’t have gone, but if he had there would be hell to pay when he got home, actually scratch that i wouldn’t have let him go, there would have been an ultimatum, your mum or your wife and if he didn’t choose to stay he would find his bags packed when he got home.
Under normal circumstances i wouldn’t be so ruthless but he has chosen to leave you after a c-sec that you are still hurting from with a newborn because his mum was upset, you should have come first.

Wtf, shocking behaviour from your h and monster in law. I have 2 boys and if their wife had just had a c section baby, I would be round there, doing anything I could to help the mother of my gc.
Disgusting behaviour