AIBU to be annoyed about MIL coming to toddler class?

[TheThursdayClub]

I’ve been taking DS to a little toddler class which we both really enjoy. SIL has started attending with her LO too - we aren’t particularly close but obviously I can’t dictate what classes she goes to and it’s nice for the children to mix.

The issue is that she always brings her mum (my MIL) along as well. DS is very disloyal sociable and basically makes a beeline for MIL and I’m ending up being the spare part while MIL & SIL participate in the class with DS and DN.

I don’t know if I’m being petty but it’s really starting to grate. It was my special thing I did with DS and now paying £50 a month for MIL to take over.

Since the children have been born, I’ve felt like MIL and SIL will just monopolize the babies and I’m never included (never even got offered a cuddle with DN once!) so this just feels like an extension of that.

I’m thinking about stopping the class and either finding another date or doing something altogether. AIBU and petty or would this annoy you too?

I agree with others - go to a different place and don't tell them where you're going to. They're definitely side-lining you - it's not fair.

Why does mil even go? Does anyone else take their mum with them to these classes?

id speak to the group organiser and explain that it’s quite off putting and distracting for your child because mil is there and you are going to find a new class to go to. She may make the class one adult per child only.

I just don’t understand the benefit of mil being there .

A lesson I learnt the hard way was to keep my mouth shut about what clubs I took my dcs to. As I found IL's turned up and after the first 2 clubs I kept quiet after that.

There was lots on offer in my area but they only went to things I mentioned in conversation (I wasnt thinking they'd show up, in some cases I gave very brief details and they still showed up!)

I felt it changed the vibe for me as one IL in particular made it clear she didnt like me, which was even odder, she'd come but not talk to me? Like why bother attending?

I'd find somewhere new to attend and dont mention any specifics, deflect the topic whenever it arisies in conversation.

I'd tell my MIL it's such a shame but I can't afford the class anymore. She might then offer to pay so you won't mind going along and not seeing your baby so much - and they get to see the baby too.

I'd then sign up to a class just for me and keep quiet about it!

Choose a different class Op. I adore my classes with DS and wouldn’t want anyone (my own mum included despite the fact I see her most days) encroaching on that. They’re little for such a short time it’s understandable you want some time for you and DS to enjoy. You shouldn’t have to change classes, but it’s the best way to avoid resentment building up.

There is not a single class I go to where it’s a two adult situation as a matter of course. Find one where only one adult is permitted per child and then the problem goes away.

It's not fair but I would find another class

I dont really understand why MIL is coming along either. Its useful to have another pair of hands if you're trying to do a class with twins or a baby and toddler but this sounds like a structured 1:1 type class so i'd be irritated by this situation too. My sister and I both attended Monkey Music in the same location for a short while with our eldest children (we live in different villages but the timing worked) and neither of us felt the need to take mum along.
My mum and mil did childcare for us when I went back to work PT and I loved it if mum took DS to a toddler group in her village or in-laws took both DS to the zoo but on my days off classes were for me and DS.
I think this class 'no longer fits your schedule' and would look for the same one in a different location/different time.

Id be glad he loves his granny snd aunt

maybe suggest you stay at home and she gives you a break

and find another binding sess for you - swimming would be a good one ?

Or you could just be pleased your child has lovely relationships with his extended family? Just a thought.

My MIL was a bit like yours sounds, she went completely gaga over her grandchildren and was obsessed with them (until they turned about 5 and then she calmed down). I had to work hard to keep my boundaries in place.

My SIL also had her youngest around the same time I had my eldest, luckily she’s a sensible woman and doesn’t live very close to us, so this situation couldn’t have arisen for us, but we spent a lot of weekends together at my MIL’s insistence. I often felt as though I was only there as the babymaker. However one thing I will say now is that my eldest and his cousin are very very good mates, the sort that will be there for each other through thick and thin, and as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think that would have happened without my pushy MIL.

not sure why anyone would be pleased to be stuck with in-laws respecting no boundaries, it's hardly a gift!

I’d speak to the group leader. The place would be packed if everyone brought a plus one along. The whole point is for you to bond with your child! Not MIL the space invader 🤯 If they were to invoke a one adult per child policy, that would solve your issue. I’d be open and say you were quitting otherwise.

I can understand how hurtful this is.
as everyone says, find another class

This is your time to make friends with other mothers,I would go somewhere else,you need that independence from family,find people who share common interests,especially over the top mil who may you feel inferior and insecure. You need to gain confidence.

I don't think toddler classes are for the mother to bond with her child - I thought they were for the child to have fun with other toddlers, or if they are babies, for the mothers to have other women to speak to!

Givwn your updates, it does seem like they are muscling in on your quality time with your DS. I'd (very reluctantly) quit the ckass, find something else to do and not inform them.

If they pull the same muscling-in trick again, you'll know that you are going to have a very real problem with them.not acceptung your boundaries, and that will require an action plan and your DH recognising that there is a problem.

Why are people such dicks?!

You sound paranoid/insecure. It's highly unlikely your SIL and MIL have joined a baby class you attend to try and push you out, it's more likely that they're trying to connect with you.

What's wrong with MIL taking DC to the class though? It's bloody annoying that they just muscled in, but it might be a case of "let them" this time. As long as MIL will pay for it of course. Perhaps she could look after him one day a week? That's what my MIL did and took DD to a class. Then find another activity to do with DC. And you get a day off to yourself. You could perhaps turn this into a win win.

MIL knows exactly what she is doing here, power play.

Even so, who’d want their MIL rocking up?

Is this a particular toddler group, rather than bog standard one in village hall or library? Trying to think why they would travel to a different town for it.

I always saw toddler groups as a way to meet other mums and DD to be amongst little friends. If grandma tags along then SIL is less likely to mingle with other mums and grandma is taking your child's attention away from the whole point of going.

And it's ok for them to have family time with your DC without you being there. My DDs are 20 and 17 and have a lovely relationship with PIL, their cousin and SIL because they spent a lot of time with them without me or DH being there. But obviously a lot more time with us at home. I am still their mum and that will never change.

Definitely ask if you can move to another class time/day.

Oh, what - so the OP can sit there like a lemon by herself every week for a joint activity she's paying for and wants to enjoy with her own son?

OP - YANBU.