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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to skip friends wedding

79 replies

Nettle256 · 30/05/2026 09:33

My friend is getting married in a few months in her home country. While no formal invites have been sent out yet, I have received a save the date and I am going to her bachelorette party which is relatively soon.

My issue is that the wedding is in her home country meaning I would need to take time off work, fly there and book accommodation. It is also in a fairly remote location (approx 1hour from the nearest airport) so I have no idea how I would even get to the venue/get home/find accommodation close by which is causing me some stress. I would be going by myself as no plus one.

In don't really know/ am not friends with anyone else going to the wedding apart from the MOH. Myself and the bride are only really friends through the MOH.

I am torn over whether to suck it up and just go to the wedding or not go. I know that the bride would be livid if I didn't. She is a very sensitive person and also very selfish which has been a recurring theme throughout our few years of friendship. Part of what plays in my decision to not want to go is that she has made zero effort to message me/ meet up since we moved to different cities a year ago. I feel like it is a lot of effort and money to go to this wedding for someone who to be frank, makes no effort to even maintain our friendship.

AIBU to tell her I can't go to the wedding (even if I'm going to the bachelorette, which I am only going to so that I can try and meet people before the wedding?)

OP posts:
Flamingojune · 30/05/2026 18:37

Or you could just embrace the adventure and go. Life is for living

JaneLupin · 30/05/2026 19:24

It sounds like the only reason you’re even considering going is so that the bride and MOH won’t be angry at you.

That’s not really a great reason to attend a wedding, even if the venue was convenient for you.

If you don’t want to go, then tell her you can’t go sooner rather than later.
The extra time off work and cost of travel / accommodation etc caused by a destination wedding are perfectly valid reasons to decline an invitation, and you must know that the bride would be unreasonable to expect every person invited to be able to go.

And you do sound confused about whether you consider her much of a friend or not.

Ethelspagetti · 30/05/2026 19:27

I have declined invitations to weddings far away, on an a Wednesday and abroad for financial and lack of annual leave reasons. It is expected that half the people cannot make it. I’d send her a lovely card to say congrats and that you cannot make it due to expenses.

Chilly80 · 30/05/2026 20:47

When is the wedding?

mondaytosunday · 30/05/2026 20:57

Destination weddings - it’s really only family that should go (and presumably they’ve talk about the practicalities), I don’t think friends should be obliged at all. I went to both a engagement party and a wedding that required four hours driving each way plus hotels and the marriage was over within a year! She hadn’t even received my wedding present yet as it was out of stock (John Lewis Registry list). Anyway that’s another story…but I did feel what a waste as I wasn’t that close to her.

TFImBackIn · 30/05/2026 21:01

Honestly, I wouldn't go. It's not going to be a good experience for you and let's face it, she would never make that amount of effort for you.

Are you really that bothered about losing the friendship?

TFImBackIn · 30/05/2026 21:02

I wouldn't go to the hen party, though, if I wasn't going to the wedding.

AgnesMcDoo · 30/05/2026 21:03

Anyone who books a wedding abroad has to understand that means some guests will decline.

Hatty65 · 30/05/2026 21:04

"I'm really happy to come on your hen do, Sarah and I hope you have a lovely wedding day. Sadly I won't be able to attend that as it would be far too costly for me to afford, but I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time back with your family"

That's all you need to send her.

KentCatLady · 30/05/2026 21:06

I would have a very honest discussion with your friend about your worries abut her wedding. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand and maybe even have a solution that means you’re not travelling solo. If she just kicks off and is livid, maybe she’s not such a good friend after all!

godmum56 · 30/05/2026 21:19

SlightlyAjar · 30/05/2026 09:50

Exactly. This should be filed under the weirdly common Mn issue of ‘having friends I don’t like and who aren’t that nice to me’.

Show quote history

This.

Flamingojune · 30/05/2026 21:24

SlightlyAjar · 30/05/2026 09:50

Exactly. This should be filed under the weirdly common Mn issue of ‘having friends I don’t like and who aren’t that nice to me’.

Show quote history

And the weirdly common mn issue of being invited to amazing destination weddings and complaining about it

Iocanepowder · 30/05/2026 21:26

She should be understanding if she is worth any friendship.

I was asked to be a witness at my friend’s wedding but it was abroad, covid was still a risk and i had a non-sleeping 1 year old who had delayed development, so i declined. No issues.

Dogmum74 · 31/05/2026 06:00

Your ‘friend’ does not sound like much of a friend whatsoever. I absolutely would not be going but I also would not go to the bachelorette party either in that case.

Dogmum74 · 31/05/2026 06:02

Nettle256 · 30/05/2026 10:01

One of my reasons for being hesitant to say I'm not going is that I know it will cause some significant upset between myself and the MOH who would think I was being entirely unreasonable not going.

The bride does see me as a good friend and has been very picky over the invite list so to be invited shows that she does value our friendship, she just is not good at showing up for friends in general.

Anyone - and I mean anyone - who gets shitty over someone not going to a destination wedding, is not a friend at all IMO

2021x · 31/05/2026 06:08

Destination wedding… no obligation.

Pumpkinmagic · 31/05/2026 06:20

I wouldn’t go to either. If a genuine friend they will understand and you’ll still be friends after the wedding. In the past I used to spend a fortune going to weddings and look back and regret how much time and energy I wasted. Most I am no longer friends with and they are divorced anyway.

BadLad · 31/05/2026 06:52

SandwichSuperstar · 30/05/2026 12:36

am torn over whether to suck it up and just go to the wedding or not go. I know that the bride would be livid if I didn't. She is a very sensitive person and also very selfish which has been a recurring theme throughout our few years of friendship.

This actually (did) make me laugh out loud so much.

A typical Mumsnet 'friendship' lol.

Same here.

AIBU to skip friends wedding
Silverbirchleaf · 31/05/2026 07:01

It’s very selfish of people to assume that friends will jump at the chance to go to a destination wedding, and from your posts, you don’t actually want to go.

When you get the invite, decline saying you’re unable to go and offer to take them for a meal to celebrate at some point. If they ask for a reason, cite unable to take leave, etc

OrdinaryGirl · 31/05/2026 07:09

It seems from your posts that the main reason you would be incurring ALL the expense and faff of going to the wedding is to avoid the negative consequences of NOT going, in terms of disapproval from other people. And that is surely not sufficient reason to go!

Suspect if you go you would regret it. It’s ok to have boundaries. You can say ‘I’m sorry, I’m just not going to be able to make it work’. Send a nice present.

People will get over their annoyance and disappointment, just as you have got over annoyance and disappointment in the past.

LadyMacbethWasFierce · 31/05/2026 07:12

OP this does not need to be as big a deal as you are making it.

In terms of getting there you said you had no idea how you would get to the venue. Obviously that’s not the sort of thing anyone knows instinctively, but you can google it easily and plan a route. And an hour plus transfer from the airport is perfectly normal for very many holidays. So I think that is all a non issue. Just an excuse really.

But the central point is it’s plain you just don’t want to go. It might cost you the “friendship” but it sounds as though that won’t be too big a loss. Either she is “very selfish” as you said in your first post or she is “lovely” as you later said and you expect too much of her (I don’t accept it’s possible to be both “very selfish” and “lovely”: some character flaws can still mean a person is overall lovely, but not someone who is “very selfish”). Either way the friendship is doomed.

I would tell her, but tell her soon. Don’t wait until after the hen do. That’s mean. Tell her you can’t afford to attend either in terms of money or annual leave as you have other commitments around that time. You can ask whether in those circumstances she would rather you not attend the hen do. But say you would still like to go if she’d want that. Leave that up to her. If she wants to retain some level of friendship she will say yes.

Whatever you decide to do, act on it quickly. It would be very rude to wait to decline the invitation until after the hen so. It would seem almost as though you had auditioned her other friends and found them lacking.

rwalker · 31/05/2026 07:14

Just say you can’t get time off work

PinkAndCoralRoses · 31/05/2026 08:01

I'd decline, you need your own holiday tine and family. The two of you can go out for dinner somewhere extra nice instead.

RedRock41 · 31/05/2026 08:53

Don’t go. Time, money, logistics all a total pain. Prepare for bride-zills response, but there’s every chance, once she’s hitched you wouldn’t see as much of her anyways. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm… use the £s for a you-cation another time.

Sassylovesbooks · 31/05/2026 09:24

For me to travel to another country for a wedding, with all the expense involved, the bride/groom would need to be very close family or friends.

I wouldn't entertain going for someone who I didn't see or have contact regularly. It's not only time off work to attend, it's flights, accommodation, transport costs (home and abroad), wedding outfit, wedding presents costs as well as spending money.

You need to figure out if the bride is a close enough friend, that you can justify the costs, time and annual leave. It's an invite, so you can politely decline...make an excuse if you feel you need too.