AIBU to skip friends wedding

[Nettle256]

My friend is getting married in a few months in her home country. While no formal invites have been sent out yet, I have received a save the date and I am going to her bachelorette party which is relatively soon.

My issue is that the wedding is in her home country meaning I would need to take time off work, fly there and book accommodation. It is also in a fairly remote location (approx 1hour from the nearest airport) so I have no idea how I would even get to the venue/get home/find accommodation close by which is causing me some stress. I would be going by myself as no plus one.

In don't really know/ am not friends with anyone else going to the wedding apart from the MOH. Myself and the bride are only really friends through the MOH.

I am torn over whether to suck it up and just go to the wedding or not go. I know that the bride would be livid if I didn't. She is a very sensitive person and also very selfish which has been a recurring theme throughout our few years of friendship. Part of what plays in my decision to not want to go is that she has made zero effort to message me/ meet up since we moved to different cities a year ago. I feel like it is a lot of effort and money to go to this wedding for someone who to be frank, makes no effort to even maintain our friendship.

AIBU to tell her I can't go to the wedding (even if I'm going to the bachelorette, which I am only going to so that I can try and meet people before the wedding?)

why haven’t you got all the details as yet if the hen party is just about to go ahead? Usually with destination weddings people send out flight info, hotel details or options, transfers, activities so people can asses the cost/feasibility and see whether they are actually able to attend. If you don’t have that, it’s pretty unfair so I would ask for all the info so you can make an informed decision.

in a fairly remote location (approx 1hour from the nearest airport pretty much every airport in the UK is an hour away from it's nearest city - London, Manchester, Leeds, 1hr away isn't remote...

Life’s too short. Don’t go and ditch the friendship

I find this crazy. Why are people incapable of travelling an hour from an airport. Don’t know how some people get through life when everything is so stressful

Yes, that’s a pathetic excuse. Obviously, if she doesn’t want to go or can’t take time off, that’s one thing, but someone too helpless to figure out public transport options or sharing a hire car with the MOH to a venue an hour from the airport they’re flying into is a bit of a puzzler.

I mean, the friend isn’t getting married on St Kilda.

Gotta be honest if that’s the way you talk about people you like, you’ve a fairly warped view of friendship,

Do what works for you. I once was in two minds about going to a friend's wedding as I hadn't seen her for years and we'd grown apart plus my partner (now DH) wasn't invited and I didn't want to alone when I wouldn't know many people. It was in the UK but a bit remote so had to drive and stay over alone somewhere. I was really reluctant but I went and I was really glad I did. We're still good friends now and I don't think we would be if I hadn't gone, not because she would have been angry, she's not that sort of person.

If you feel like it's too much effort, going because she'll be angry as she's selfish isn't a reason. If you think you'll be friends in 10 years time and want to remain friends then go if you can but there is no obligation.

Just tell her you can’t afford it or have enough annual leave.

You’ve not actually been invited. She hasn’t provided you any details in which to do any travel planning. There’s nothing to decline at the moment.

OP, you would be mad to spend money on someone who can't be arsed to text you back.

So many people spend serious money they don't really have to go to weddings they would rather decline.

Invariably they bitterly regret not just responding with "Thank you but I cannot make it."

Real friends do not give you grief.

Personally I love weddings abroad and have been to a few, although the bride and groom would always say only if could afford, I of course missed the ones in far away expensive islands as just couldn't afford it and they all understood, can you say that it's just too expensive for you? Or if you really want to go people on here can be brilliant at finding suitable accommodation, and hour from the airport is not really far tbh. Where's the moh staying

am torn over whether to suck it up and just go to the wedding or not go. I know that the bride would be livid if I didn't. She is a very sensitive person and also very selfish which has been a recurring theme throughout our few years of friendship.

This actually (did) make me laugh out loud so much.

A typical Mumsnet 'friendship' lol.

If she hasn't sent invites out yet then I would be surprised if anyone is going! Who is shelling out on flights and accommodation abroad without the certainty of an actual invitation? Save the dates don't count.

If you don't want to go, when she does eventually grace you with an invitation apologise and say sorry, can't sort flights and accommodation with so little notice

Well, maybe that’s the bride and groom’s intention? Not invite people way in advance and hence cut down the guest list.

I thought YANBU long before you got to this bit

I know that the bride would be livid if I didn't. She is a very sensitive person and also very selfish which has been a recurring theme throughout our few years of friendship

There is nothing in this description that indicates you should go to this person's wedding. Even if it were in the same street you lived in.

I have one dear friend who got married in what sounds like a place which was similarly difficult for me to get to (that was his bride's home, not just a 'destination for the sake of it') . We were invited, and looked into the logistics which were just to difficult for us to solve, so I contacted him to let him know we wouldn't be able to come, and to wish him well. Obviously - because we were actual friends and understanding of each other's circumstances - he said "Oh, that's a shame but I completely understand, and we've carried on with our friendship for the next 20 years without this ever being an issue.

Haven't you planned to travel with the MOH?

If she’s a livid and selfish person, sounds like an ideal way of ducking out of the friendship as a whole.
A good friendship is NOT being afraid of someone’s reactions to a perfectly understandable quandary.

I don't think couples should expect anyone to attend an overseas wedding. I wouldn't go, based on your point of view. Be honest and tell her you cannot afford the time & expense of it.

Sounds like the bride just wants to fill the guest list so she can feel popular. It is so entitled to expect others to pay a fortune to attend weddings in far-flung places. Fine if their friends want to do it but to be offended if they don't or can't is pathetic behaviour. They can always have a party back home for those who can't make it. It doesn't sound like either of these two are real friends.

Speak to the moh maybe she wants you there. If it was me I wouldn’t be going as far as I am concerned if people choose to marry abroad they choose to have people not going. Op it’s entitlement expecting people to spend money and annual leave on them. I would go for family if I could afford it but if I can’t I will be honest with them. They can fall out with people but the bridezillas need to know not everyone has to fall in line with there expectations. It’s a joke how many people do this then expect everyone else to just attend.

Anyone getting married abroad cannot possibly get upset if people can't come!

Can you afford it? Could you share a hotel room and transfer taxi with the MOH?

If you go you will resent the whole shebang. If you decline you will be fine, no one is going to blackball you. No need for long explanations either, therein lies the path to coercion by others to change your mind. No apologies either, you are not sorry for anything you are just not going!

Hi Anne, thanks so much for the lovely invitation to your wedding in Mongolia. I regret that I will be unable to attend, but I really hope you and all your guests have a fantastic time. X

You are making excuses because you don’t want to go:

An hour from an airport isn’t an issue. Rent a car, take a cab, take a train etc.

Can you not go with the MOH?

Good friends worth having do not order you to attend their wedding, and then become livid and tantrum if you decline. A good friend would say “oh no that’s such a shame that you can’t make it. I’d love to catch up with you afterwards to celebrate with a glass of wine and show you some of our wedding photos.” Etc

Decline with grace if you choose not to go, and have a rock solid excuse if she asks why i.e work refused me annual leave, finances are tight and just can’t make it work etc. If she kicks off, what have you really lost? It doesn’t really sound like either of you are that fussed about each other in all honesty.