Seriously? I mean, seriously?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Help, I’m in hell. I’m in London to watch the Arsenal game later (have tickets to watch at a fan zone) and the parade tomorrow. Staying in a twin Travelodge room with no air con and which currently feels like the ninth circle of hell but even that cost £256 for two nights!

I’m here with a male friend who’s more like a brother, we’ve known each other forever. A few years ago he developed a secret cocaine habit and ended up spending the last three years in a psychiatric hospital. He’s out now and in supported accommodation but other than reminding him about his meds I thought he seemed ok and pretty self sufficient.

Well he’s pissed me off from the start. Telling a guy on the train how he does literally nothing for himself, nothing all day (not sure that’s a boast although since I worked 70 hours last week I’m pretty jealous tbh). Then showed me £7k of benefits he’s saved up!

He then drank far too much even though he’s not supposed to, wouldn’t come back to the hotel with me, and ended up eating a bucket of fried chicken in the early hours. I’ve tried to sleep given he snores like a walrus but given up, I’m getting up and out and he can do his own thing.

He was in the bathroom a lot last night, and I’ve come in to have a shower and THERE IS LITERAL SHIT ON THE WALL. I am disgusted and tbh I don’t think I can be friends with someone who behaves like this. However I need to get through the next 24 hours! Do I book a hotel of my own somewhere else? I really can’t afford to but I feel sick staying here! Most places are also fully booked around where we need to be…

@Needmorelego yes, he lied to me about his ability to cope and that his supported accommodation encouraged him to go, when really they advised him not to (they have permission to speak to me despite me not being a relative as he doesn't have close family he speaks to) - I'm disappointed as well that they didn't think to get in touch with me but he perhaps didn't tell them who he was going with or where.

I sent him some firm messages last night about how the weekend had made me feel. All I got in response was a thumbs up. I'm done. I also spoke to another mutual friend yesterday who had done the same routine last week of trying to get him to look after himself, he basically said he had no intention to. And why does he need to I suppose when he's getting £2k a month from the taxpayers with no rent to pay...

How the fuck is any of this the OPs fault?!

Yes it is 16k

Exactly.

@IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece @MyOtherProfile thank you. My other thread is even worse, they're falling over themselves to tell me exactly how stupid and naïve I must be!

I have read the full thread but he is in supported accommodation because he cant function without it.
Addicts are always addicts and MH this bad can improve but people aren't cured. You only took his word for it that he was fine and just needed a prompt for meds? So whilst its not your fault I think you've been incredibly silly to go away with him and think he wouldnt require some support whenever he cant live alone without support.
Apart from him, who did you speak to about his capabilities? Where is it you work in MH cause it surely isnt with any actual patients or family as all of this is basic knowledge? You say later on that other people who work with him said it was a bad idea, so who did you check with? You cannot trust addicts. You are not at fault for his issues but extremely silly to not have foreseen some of these issues

Ah so you haven't read the full thread then. I clearly state I am not clinical.

I've never had anything to do with the staff at his supported living, he is under local adult social care services not mental health services so nothing to do with where I work either. It's up to him not to lie to me and say that all he needs is prompting to take his meds.

Yeah silly fucking me. I'll never trust another human again

Maybe just dont trust an addict with severe MH issues, most people would say thats fairly basic knowledge, you dont have to be clinically working with MH patients to know that.
How could you seriously have thought he had all those support services and his history but he was actually fine?

@SunshineOnIslington there's plenty of people you can find in your life to trust.
Just not him.
Forget him.
Find some other football fans 🙂

Well I didn't think he had all of those support services did I as he told me he just needed a few prompts!!!! That's my whole point!

Also, I'm an ex addict with serious mental health issues too, albeit I've never been sectioned like he has. Unlike him I chose not to live a life of learned helplessness and did absolutely everything that I could to become the best version of myself. It was damn hard work but I would never let it beat me. But I guess by your logic nobody should ever trust a thing I say either.

@SunshineOnIslington please tell me you haven't been in any contact with him since the weekend and have blocked him from all methods of messaging/contact.
Forget about him. Move on with your life.

@Needmorelego I sent him a polite but firm message on Monday about how he had made me feel over the weekend and how I didn't think the friendship could continue. He then responded with a thumbs up which says it all really. I also contacted his social worker and accommodation with my concerns. But I'm getting it in the neck from mutual friends as well as on this thread....

Thumbs up 😭 he’s probably carried on the bender

ignore the mean nasty posts on this thread Op

What exactly are you hoping to achieve with this?

The OP has explained multiple times what information she was given, what she believed at the time, and what she's since discovered. Repeating the same criticism over and over again isn't adding anything new to the discussion.

At this point it feels less like you're trying to understand the situation and more like you're determined to keep blaming someone who is already struggling with the consequences of it.

@SunshineOnIslington find some better mutual friends too.
I don't think you need any of these people in your life.
💐

These mutual so called friends can get in the bin too. God's sake.

Yes, this. Focus on yourself and all the hard work you've done to get where you are. You are not to blame. Step away from them all; it doesn't sound like they are positive relationships for you at this point.

She keeps arguing back with me that none of it was her fault and she couldn't have foreseen it coming.... which is total nonsense. There were sooooo many red flags to this that you would have to be deliberately choosing to ignore.
She's not responsible FOR him but she is for her own poor choices.

You're viewing those red flags through the lens of information they only learned after the event. It's hindsight bias. Once you know the ending of the story, all the clues look obvious.

But, as you're determined to keep repeating yourself then I'm out.

Sounds like it's you who could do with some MH support to be honest

By that token no one would ever maintain a relationship/friendship with anyone who has fragilities or vulnerabilities or difficult histories and who need support. No one would ever go to a show or a holiday or an activity with any of those people. Im one of them.

Its not OPs responsbility for how someone else behaves, she isnt responsible for risk assessing this mans needs or determining what he should or shouldnt do or is or isnt capable of any more than he can tell her about and now she knows its different. But she didnt know before. Not her fault at all and she hasnt made any 'bad choices'