Seriously? I mean, seriously?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Help, I’m in hell. I’m in London to watch the Arsenal game later (have tickets to watch at a fan zone) and the parade tomorrow. Staying in a twin Travelodge room with no air con and which currently feels like the ninth circle of hell but even that cost £256 for two nights!

I’m here with a male friend who’s more like a brother, we’ve known each other forever. A few years ago he developed a secret cocaine habit and ended up spending the last three years in a psychiatric hospital. He’s out now and in supported accommodation but other than reminding him about his meds I thought he seemed ok and pretty self sufficient.

Well he’s pissed me off from the start. Telling a guy on the train how he does literally nothing for himself, nothing all day (not sure that’s a boast although since I worked 70 hours last week I’m pretty jealous tbh). Then showed me £7k of benefits he’s saved up!

He then drank far too much even though he’s not supposed to, wouldn’t come back to the hotel with me, and ended up eating a bucket of fried chicken in the early hours. I’ve tried to sleep given he snores like a walrus but given up, I’m getting up and out and he can do his own thing.

He was in the bathroom a lot last night, and I’ve come in to have a shower and THERE IS LITERAL SHIT ON THE WALL. I am disgusted and tbh I don’t think I can be friends with someone who behaves like this. However I need to get through the next 24 hours! Do I book a hotel of my own somewhere else? I really can’t afford to but I feel sick staying here! Most places are also fully booked around where we need to be…

@SunshineOnIslington are you the same person that originally wanted to cancel this trip because you were concerned it would be too busy and overcrowded?
I know you say you're a football fan but is this whole situation really worth it?
You originally didn't want to go, you've gone and you are having a crap time.
Why are you doing this to yourself?

I'd book somewhere in outer London that you can travel to the parade from in an hour and a half. Have a look on Air BnB for rooms.

You’re probably right, I don’t know how this works. At any rate he clearly lacked the self discipline to be around alcohol. He probably doesn’t have sufficient self awareness to realise its a bad idea and no doubt the prospect of an afternoon in the sun watching football sounded fun.

Its just a shame OP has become collateral damage in this monumental cock up.

Hopefully in future she will avoid being in a situation which involves him and alcohol.

https://www.airbnb.co.uk/rooms/51210972?unique_share_id=3ea4ff4b-1741-40fa-90a8-63e8f85a4244&viralityEntryPoint=1&s=76

An example.

@SunshineOnIslington you work in the field so you obviously know a lot more about it than I do - I guess you've got to take a steer on what you want to do with the rest of the time

there'll be cancellations and stuff, I guess but I still think it's him ought to move rooms

This struck me though "I do keep him at arms length most of the time but he’s my only friend who supports Arsenal (other than my mum) - I would never go away with him otherwise"

So you know not to go away with him really? It was an exceptional circumstance that made you throw caution to the wind... that can happen to all of us.

I guess you just have to figure out how to make the best of it - but don't go away with him again, even if you win again!

Op this is so grim and I feel really sorry for you.

Tbh I would be going straight home in your shoes. Avoid the heat and the crowds.

I know you were planning on getting another hotel room but why are you doing this to yourself?

I would go back home and block him on all accounts. Be that “awful” person! Do you at this point think anyone will take what he says about you seriously? And if you still care about what he thinks of you, why, why, why? Did he give you even one precious thought when he stayed out drinking?

Does he care that he is milking the welfare system (he may not be btw, it’s probably bravado bc he can’t admit to himself that he can’t hold down a job) did he care about waking you up, or making a disgusting mess in the bathroom (which you may have to pay for to get cleaned by a specialist team btw if you don’t leave early), does he care one iota about your friendship? And in thinking about this consider his actions not his words.

Draw a line op. Look after yourself 🌺

Milking the welfare system? He’s been sectioned for a few years and now in supported living. Are you joking?

Go absolutely nuclear on him! He deserves it. And chuck him out, disgusting creature. How people shit on the walls I have no idea.

@Discardedbutnotlost8 I would never miss this occasion for anyone and given the price of train tickets it’s likely to cost me more to go home than stay in another hotel.

Someone asked about my mum, she’s staying with a friend an hour outside London, she doesn’t live here.

I deliberately chose not to have children yet here I am with a 46 year old child. He won’t eat anything, won’t drink any water, of course never even thought to put any sun cream on and will burn, and has had two pints already, when the match doesn’t kick off until 5pm.

Perhaps you should have gone with someone else x

Fouroclockrock

Milking the welfare system? He’s been sectioned for a few years and now in supported living. Are you joking?

Sorry, busy day, very, very poor choice of words on my part.

I actually said he may not be milking the system btw and that he probably couldn’t hold down a job but didn’t want to admit it to himself.

I was actually referring to the part when Op said he was boasting on the train about doing nothing to earn the money he receives. In other words, he was trying to give the impression that he was milking the system. Given his behaviour to Op, I probably gave too much credence to his statement.

I was trying to support the op, not criticise or stigmatise anyone with mh issues or addictions. If he can’t work then of course he needs financial support which is what I was referring to to in my post.

At the same time, it’s only realistic to acknowledge that these same issues can make you a less than good friend and behave in unacceptable ways.

It’s an eternally difficult question actually. Not about who deserves benefits but rather the extent that one goes to help or support people who, sorry to say, are not helping themselves or behaving in particularly productive ways.

Fwiw, I strongly think Op needs to put strong boundaries in place because he hasn’t been honest with her, probably out of shame, but nonetheless you can’t have true friendship without trust and honesty.

What do you mean 'responsibility for his welbeing'. That would be him

Unless he is subject to DOLs, he doesnt need 'permission' to do anything.

If you booked the hotel room, I would refund the remaining money for the remaining night and make him leave. Go to the hotel, pack his stuff, give an explanation to the hotel staff and ask them to issue you a new key card. Then go back and give him his bag. If you leave and he stays, you might be liable for his damage.
If it’s his booking, go back, pack and leave your bag in a convenient locker and arrange somewhere else. Text him what you have done and why. Either which way just bin him off to sort himself out and enjoy your day alone.

He needs to be the one packing his stuff, the animal. Refund him his share of the room and tell him to get out. Get the hotel staff to help - point out there was shit on their walls.

Unfortunately we are together now. I’ve just told him exactly how his behaviour is making me feel and that I don’t want a repeat of last night (which let’s face it is what’s going to happen since he’s been drinking already). He’s just almost been in tears, but I am so fucking sick. His excuse for drinking last night and not taking his meds? He doesn’t know London! 🤦🏼‍♀️ all I can hope is that we end up mixing with a group of people at the fan park and I don’t have to be stuck with him.

I understand you wanting to be there for your own sake Op but hang on, this update suggests that you are still with him now, trying to make him wear sun cream and drink water? And he’s started drinking already?

Why Op? Sorry. You sound like a very good person and a wonderful friend but you know the outcome tonight could be worse than last night? Unless I have got the wrong end of the stick somehow?

Who is looking out for you?

@Discardedbutnotlost8 i look after myself, that’s the way it’s always been. I can’t just leave him here

Then maybe offer to help him purchase a train ticket straight back to his home town if London is the problem.

I’d be worried he’ll be after some coke today to pick him up from his hangover !

He’s a grown man, you’re not responsible for his behaviour, try and enjoy yourself and get out of there as early as you can tomorrow then cut ties, if anyone says you’re being awful tell them about the 💩 on the wall and that’ll shut them up.

Can you get him to stop drinking and get him to The Lantern recovery cafe or similar?

Has he explained how his shit got on the wall??

I know you see it that way but as a person outside of this situation I cannot see that you are looking after yourself at all.

Would you think a person who had spent yesterday in the situation you found yourself in was looking out for themself spending another day going down exactly the same path as yesterday expecting a different outcome?

I feel sorry for you, I hope today goes well.

I think the only thing he's really done wrong is the shit on the wall.

Probably the best thing you can do is focus on the game and parade, and not to be bothered by him.

This. He should pay.