Seriously? I mean, seriously?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Help, I’m in hell. I’m in London to watch the Arsenal game later (have tickets to watch at a fan zone) and the parade tomorrow. Staying in a twin Travelodge room with no air con and which currently feels like the ninth circle of hell but even that cost £256 for two nights!

I’m here with a male friend who’s more like a brother, we’ve known each other forever. A few years ago he developed a secret cocaine habit and ended up spending the last three years in a psychiatric hospital. He’s out now and in supported accommodation but other than reminding him about his meds I thought he seemed ok and pretty self sufficient.

Well he’s pissed me off from the start. Telling a guy on the train how he does literally nothing for himself, nothing all day (not sure that’s a boast although since I worked 70 hours last week I’m pretty jealous tbh). Then showed me £7k of benefits he’s saved up!

He then drank far too much even though he’s not supposed to, wouldn’t come back to the hotel with me, and ended up eating a bucket of fried chicken in the early hours. I’ve tried to sleep given he snores like a walrus but given up, I’m getting up and out and he can do his own thing.

He was in the bathroom a lot last night, and I’ve come in to have a shower and THERE IS LITERAL SHIT ON THE WALL. I am disgusted and tbh I don’t think I can be friends with someone who behaves like this. However I need to get through the next 24 hours! Do I book a hotel of my own somewhere else? I really can’t afford to but I feel sick staying here! Most places are also fully booked around where we need to be…

This.
I would definitely leave if he refused to leave.

You can usually tell the difference between old shit and new shit 😅

Tell him to get his own hotel room, the little scrote can clearly afford it.

If you do stay, and not for a second discounting any of the other stuff going on - can you get the hotel to provide fans? You shouldn’t have to, but could you go out and buy a couple? Dealing with all of that AND being incredibly overheated does indeed sound hellish and at a high price! I really feel for you 🥵

Isn’t it £16 K ?

Absolutely. And stop washing his actual shit off the walls! Surely that's way above and beyond. He sounds supremely selfish and volitale.

How does a person end up maintaining such a friendship? He must have some super qualities that offset the wiping shit on a wall and boasting of being a waster to stranger.

I mean I'd rather have no friends than keep company of someone like that.

I admire your loyalty to a friend op. However I think he might have blown it this time. I’d be staying elsewhere and staying well away from him.

Uc would not stop at 6k. The upper limit is 16k and there is some reduction in monthly amount for anything over 6k.

Can you not stay with your mum tonight? It doesn't sound safe to stay in a hotel room with him.
Or go home early?
You're not responsible for him, don't lethim out you in a vulnerable/dangerous position

This @SunshineOnIslington you need to work on your friendship boundaries and the role you play in friendships. I think it is likely that the job you do has normalised to a detrimental degree the types of behaviour your friend is exhibiting. You sound incredibly kind and empathetic, he sounds like someone who preys on those traits in others.

As an aside, how does shit get onto walls? I always wonder when people mention this on threads. Did he actively scoop it out of the loo and smear it around? Because that is really quite odd.

It’s all well and good people saying I should have thought this through more but at the end of the day he needs to take some personal responsibility not to drink too much (I admit I’ve been drinking but less than him) and to remember to take his medication. He’s also never had an issue with alcohol. I will be speaking to someone at his accommodation when we get back. As for me, I’ve always been a people pleaser and I hate confrontation. Menopause has made me more assertive but if I were to cut ties with him I’d be the awful person who abandoned him. I do keep him at arms length most of the time but he’s my only friend who supports Arsenal (other than my mum) - I would never go away with him otherwise

Why would you worry about being an awful person that abandoned him when he literally shat on the wall.

He is the master of his own destiny here.

Learning to be a decent human with clean habits is the barest minimum for having friends. He has to learn somehow.

This. Absolutely this.

Knowing someone forever clearly doesn't equate to knowing them well. I wouldn't have wanted to share a room with any male friend with his circumstances (vs simply booking my own room) and it sounds like this trip in general was extremely poorly conceived given his circumstances.

I also would not be cleaning an adult man's shit. I'd have turned away housekeeping, woken him up and told him to get in there and clean it up immediately. He needs to be held accountable for his behaviour and how it's impacting your trip. Absolutely I would be asking him to book another room, he can clearly afford one - but equally I wouldn't let this spoil my trip - I'd just sack him off, go elsewhere and crack on alone, I wouldn't spent time with him in this way again either.

I would be notifying the relevant party at his accommodation about the very concerning behaviour happening too as clearly this has been far too much to contend with and should not have been agreed upon, something somewhere has been critically misjudged and needs flagging.

The support workers in sheltered accommodation don’t look after their residents like parents looking after children

he’ll be expected to take responsibility for his own mental health.

unless he’s currently psychotic (probably not if he’s sleeping like a baby) he’s got no chance of being admitted to hospital

You are completely right that he is completely responsible for what he has done but you are responsible now for taking in this information and protecting yourself going forward starting from today. That is your responsibility.

if I were to cut ties with him I’d be the awful person who abandoned him

Who would think that? People have all sorts of mad ideas about the roles others should play in their lives and other people’s lives.

You don't need to meet up with him today, you can just enjoy your day alone. I'd get on the phone & find somewhere else to stay tonight (is your mums not an option?) & I wouldn't drag my Mum into it tomorrow.

I'd probably relent & meet up with him to get him back on the train & back to his SA.

I’m staying in London tonight - just booked a room in a 4 star hotel with aircon for £105! Go in Lastminute.com NOW op and find yourself a new place to stay.

Obviously its not your fault OP and it’s on him to manage his health, no one blames you, but I also have to wonder why you couldn’t see that drinking all afternoon with someone who is an addict and in a fragile mental state was going to be risky. It feels like a big safeguarding fail all round.

You say he’s never had a problem with alcohol but he’s a cocaine addict so clearly has an addiction problem (and cocaine and alcohol go hand in hand often). If you work in mental health you should know addiction often transfers from one substance to another if the problem substance is off limits. Really he should be staying away from anything addictive or mind altering.

I just think you should have avoided planning a social event with a recovering adult which revolved around drinking.

If you still value this friendship (and I am not sure I would), I would speak to whoever has oversight of his mental health (family members/social workers) when this is over and tell them he has relapsed.

And put better boundaries in place.

You could have gone on your own.

he's not in a place where he can take personal responsibility & I feel like you've encouraged him to go for company & haven't really thought through the consequences of this 'adventure' for him.

You don’t want to go to the parade, do you ? You need to start making arrangements to suit yourself, not your mum or your ex friend

I feel so sorry and outraged for you. Especially at the thought of having what should have been a marvellous weekend ruined. In your position I would definitely cut my losses and get a last minute hotel room. Just had a quick look on Airbnb and there was still some availability a train ride away from North London around Cheshunt/Oakwood.
Using public transport you'd certainly pick up on the atmosphere...although you might have to leave even earlier in the morning to get to the parade.
Not that you should be having to do any of this though🙄